As a life guide and psychological consultant I often work with people who are challenged with something in their life and when I suggest ways for them to change this, many times they will say, "I know, I know but.." Then they tell me they know better but there is something holding them back. In my experience this something takes the form of two things - they get a payoff for not acting and they fear the loss of something if they do act.
What I ask them to do then is to take a deep look at what their payoff is - in other words what are they getting for not acting. I then I ask them to look at what they fear they may lose if they do act. At this point, I ask them to sit quietly and reflect on how they might take baby steps to begin the process of acting on what they fear and how the payoff is holding them back from authentic living. My experience tells me that these payoffs and the price people are often willing to pay come from three areas of life; work, relationships and pleasurable habits and behaviors. May of these can then have long term negative consequences.
Some Payoffs for Knowing But Not Doing
Career and Work Challenges:
- It keeps the peace and lets you remain in your comfort zone
- It pays the bills
- It lets you live in a nice house and drive a new car
- It's favored by your family and friends
- It fits who you say and tell yourself you are
- It makes you look good and has credibility and prestige
Relationship Challenges:
- It keeps the peace and lets you remain in your comfort zone
- It's what your family, friends and even society thinks is the proper way to live
- It makes you look like a good citizen of your community
- Your kids will love and respect you if you don't disturb the relationship
- You are not alone and are engaged in the world in a way that is seen as normal
Negative Behaviors or Habits:
- It feels good and you love doing it
- It's acceptable - everybody does it
- Even though you have read the data on it being negative - you ignore this data
- You feel you have to have something to relieve the pressure of life and this is it
Some Prices You May Pay For Not Doing
- The great unknown - you don't know what will happen if you do what you know you should do
- You fear you'll go broke and lose your house, your partner and the good life you now have
- You believe you'll be alone and broke forever
- You imagine your family and friends will disown/abandon you
- You see yourself as embarrassed and a major failure
Of course we all have our unique fears and our unique payoffs for putting off doing what we say we know we should do. This then is one of the areas of psychological consulting I do, so if you keep giving yourself the yes. but excuse maybe it's time to get some help with this. I would love to help you, so someone you know who is currently struggling with this challenge. I would love to help you or your friend. All you have to do is send me a quick email at
lorrainebanfield@msn.com or call me at 720-258-5963. I look forward to hearing from you.
Blessings,
Lorraine
