Debunking The I Know Better Myth

When I am working with people on some challenge, problem or issue I often find myself saying something to them that elicits the response, "I know, I know, but.."  and they tell me that they know better than to do this thing or that they actually need to do it, and then they go into all the reasons they keep doing it or don't do it that would clean up, cure or eliminate the problem or concern.  They know better, they say but in truth, they do not know better or they would fix it, whatever it is.  What I tell them is that they know better intellectually but for some reason they have not actually learned the lesson yet.  In other words, they have not put their so called knowing into practice.  I ask them then to look at and reflect on what is holding them back, because in all these situations, there is some kind of a payoff for doing or not doing whatever it is and this is what is holding them back - the payoff.  
 

Here Are Some Payoffs for Knowing But Not Doing

• It keeps the peace and lets you stay in your comfort zone
• It pays the bills and has little or no risk
• It let's you live in a nice house and drive a new car
• It's favored by your friends, family and neighborhood
• It fits who you say and tell yourself you are
• It's fun and feels good - at least in the moment
• It makes you look good and has credibility and prestige
• It gives you time to think and reflect and take stock on your life

Of course, when you look at this list, except for the last one, what you will see is that it's all about risk and fear of that risk.  When people look at the idea of doing or not doing something they "know" they should or should not do, the reason they do not act is that they fear they will lose something or it will cost them something they value want in their life. 

It could be your marriage, career, life style, or where and how you live.  It could be the fear that your children won't love you or care for you later on, if you get tough with them now and hold the line on their behavior.  It could be anything. 






What we all need to do when we are struggling to meet a life challenge that you feel you know, but have concerns with what it will cost you to act, it is time stop and take stock and review your life and begin to take some baby steps to move in the direction you really want to go. 

This is the work I do with folks and I would love to help you - so give me a call and let's get busy moving you along to the place you "know" you want to be. 








Blessings, Lorraine

720-258-5963




www.lorrainebanfield.com

Email:  lorrainebanfield@msn.com

Doing Some Magic Today

When I look around me and see all the beauty and grandeur that is the natural world I can't help but believe in the idea that something magical created it all.  But magic, like a lot of other concepts, can be used in ways that are just cheap tricks to entertain and amaze us.  I have no use for that kind of magic.  I am talking of the kind of magic that comes when we have a foundation of belief and faith in both ourselves and a higher power that supports the idea of magic.  In other words we have to have done the work of developing our authentic selves and a strong understanding of the workings of the world, especially the idea of a spiritual path, in order for true magic to happen.  In other words if we try to do magic without these and are simply like children asking for everything we see on television or at the local mall, that's not magic, that's like being an enabling permissive parent.

But if you have done the work and have a solid understanding of life and have faith that what you ask for is both good for you and serves more than your own little wants and desires, then I say, ask for it. As the Bible says, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will open"

It helps to put this out to the universe as well.  Tell your family what you want, tell your friends and co-workers and put it in your prayers, or meditate on it or chant it if that is part of your spiritual practice.  Write it down and post it on your wall.  Create a vision map with a picture of what you desire and put it in a place of pride in your home or office.  And remember it does not have to be a tangible thing or even just for you.  You may use this kind of magic to help others or to bring something into the world that is more global like world peace or freedom from violence and hate.

So I am putting this magic into the world today- I ask for several new people for me to help with their life challenges.  I seek to help those who are struggling or who are confused or unhappy with the state of their life.  I feel God has gifted me with the tools to help them and I desire to do that as my life's work and my gift to the world.

Blessings and much Magic to you,  Lorraine    

Failure is Your Opportunity to Re-think Your Path

One of the things about failure is that we don't usually fail where we are celebrated.  When we are on the right path for us we are almost always celebrated and valued.  When we fail this is a sign to re-think our path.  I used to tell people that failure was their opportunity to start again more intelligently, a quote from Henry ford. But it has occurred to me recently that this may not be the best advice because it implies that all you need to do, is do a better job, a more intelligent job of whatever it is that you have failed at - it's an ego idea and not a soul one.  This seems logical for someone like Ford, an engineer and industrialist who chose his path and stuck to it his whole life. His path, although it had its ups and downs and wrong turns and in many people's view of him he may have strayed off his path but he died a millionaire many times over and so he is often cited as a big success.  But is money and fame the only motivators to a life well lived?  I don't think so. I prefer the philosophy of Joseph Campbell who said, "Follow your bliss."

What I now see, and this philosophy has been building over time for me and my work, is that when we are on the right path for us, things mostly work out and we do not have much failure in our lives. But that when we do, when we feel either miserable or just slogging away, we need to look at it and say, wait a minute, am I going in the right direction for me?  Is this failure or misery a message to make a course correction rather than to double my efforts and put my nose to the grindstone?  Now, I am not saying that life does not have its detours and road blocks - it does, but each of these is a lesson to be learned and that lesson may not be to work harder or smarter, but a message to make sure you are on the right path.

James Hillman wrote a book called The Soul's Code in which he says we are all called to a particular path and that when we are on this path and attending to the tasks and challenges it presents to us, we will feel we are going in the right direction and that the failures and accidents that happen to us along the way are messages from our soul to take some time to look at this and see what it means for us personally.  He says, "The idea is to look at the accident or injury or disturbance, as a potential with some sort of meaning to it."  For me, just working harder at something is not the message, the message is usually deeper and more profound than that.

So the next time you fail at something or feel you are not being successful at something or you simply hate getting up in the morning to go do whatever it is, take some time and reflect on the path you are on.  Is it the right one for you?  Does it feel right on a soul level? Does it bring you a sense of purpose?  Does it provide you with what you need in this life to feel your life has meaning and you are doing what you are  here to do?

If what your path is providing is a means to an end but your daily life is not much fun and you don't find much meaning or purpose in it except making a living, then I suggest taking some time and reflecting on what your bliss might be.  I welcome your comments and hope you are having a blissful time or at least a growing and learning one.

Blessings, Lorraine 

Don't You Think it's Time to Pimp Your Grits?

I love the idea of pimping my grits - you might wonder where in the world this idea came from and what it means.  I see it as a metaphor for changing or adding to some long standing situation, belief or activity in your life, in other words opening yourself up to new ideas and new ways of doing things.

What Do Yankees know?  Well, Maybe More Than I Gave Them Credit For

I grew up in the south, first South Carolina until I was ten and then we moved to Georgia where I ate grits for breakfast almost every day of my life - the same way each time.  Hot with butter and eggs, sometimes with bacon or sausage and homemade biscuits.  That's the way my mama prepared breakfast and I ate it up.  Later as an adult when I ate grits, that's how I cooked them as well.  It never occurred to me to eat them in any other way, in fact when I still lived in Atlanta new people would show up, people from up north as we would say,  and they would put sugar and milk on their grits as if it were cereal. All us Georgia Crackers simply called them Yankees and laughed at them.

Then one day I happened to watch a PBS show called A Chef's Life about a woman and her husband who worked in NYC as chefs.  Then out of the blue they got a call from her parents who offered to set them up in a restaurant of their own - but as she says, there was a catch, they had to open it in eastern North Carolina where she was from and had sworn never to return.  She had decided that her grits would be cooked in NYC and she would not be doing any pimping of her grits - until she got an offer she could not refuse.

Old Fashioned Grits Tastes Good but So Does Adding Some Wonderful New Ingredients 

Then one night she decided to run a new item on her menu - Pimping Your Grits.  Her whole show is based on the idea of re-inventing, if you will, all these southern favorites with new twists on them. I had seen others and tried them so I decided to try this one as well.  This recipe, of course, was way outside the box of my mama's grits, but it occurred to me that in truth, I was bored with the old school girts I usually ate.  As I watched her prepare one of these dishes, I said to myself, why not?  I like all the things she used in the recipe and so the next day, I made the recipe for myself.  OMG that dish was scrumptious and out of this world delicious!

Cooking Up Some New Grits Might Just Be the Ticket 

I'm using a cooking metaphor here but any change or addition to something you now do or believe in, is on the menu for today - think about it.  What could you change or add to your life that might pimp your grits, might just be the thing that brings some new energy into your life.  I'd love to hear back from you if you decide to do this.  Meanwhile here is the recipe for grits in a whole new way.

Cheesy Apple Grits

2 cups of cooked grits - use the five minute variety and use the instructions on the package
4 apples cored,  peeled and sliced - I used Gala apples but most any will do
1/4 - 1/2 cup sugar to taste - check after the first three minutes
1 tablespoon lemon juice
Zest of one lemon
5 strips of cooked bacon - crumpled
1 cup Monterey Jack or White Cheddar - grated

Cook the sliced apples with the sugar, lemon juice and zest in the microwave for three minute intervals - check after each interval - I cooked mine for 9 minutes - until the apples are soft and the liquid is syrupy.

Put the cooked grits in a medium size shallow glass baking dish.  Layer the rest starting with the bacon, then the cooked apples, then the grated cheese.

These grits can be eaten for lunch or as a side dish with other meals.  If you serve it for dinner and it gets a little bit cold, then microwave it for 1 - 2 minutes to melt the cheese and keep it hot.

Enjoy,  Lorraine

Only Fools Rush In - But Maybe they Know Something We Need to Learn

This past weeked I went to see the movie, My Name is Doris, starring Sally Field.  I had seen an interview with Field on the Charlie Rose show the past week so I was excited to see this movie. It was about an older woman who falls in love with a younger man.  As I sat through the movie I both laughed and cried but when it was over, I had a feeling that disturbed me.  I felt the writers and the producers had made fun of Doris and as I told my friend who went with me, it felt like they made her look foolish.  She wore these outlandish clothes, had cat eye classes and wore her hair in a kind of Bridgett Bardo hair style long since out of style.  Being a woman of a certain age myself, I am sensitive to all the jokes and stories about older people - it seems we are often depicted as the butt of jokes and stories and this is something I don't allow in my life.  I value my life in all its ages and stages and have the mantra for everyone, regardless of how old or young they may be we are all valuable.

I felt that a movie that made fun of people my age was not my cup of tea.  But the movie and it's story weighed on me and as I thought about it, I began to see that being a fool or acting in what some might see as being foolish, which is exactly what Doris was doing, may actually be the very thing that jumps starts a new phase in your life.  As the old saying goes, "Only fools fall in love"  Well, Doris fell in love and it was exactly what she needed to do - looking foolish be damned.  

I pondered this and began to look back on the times I had made a fool of myself as well and I had plenty to look at - in fact, what I found was that in many cases the times I had been the most foolish were the times I had in fact learned the most about myself and had moved my life along in a way that staying safe and not acting foolishly would not have done.  In many cases I got my heart broken and I suffered, but the experience deepened me and made me stronger.

So the next time you get an idea to do something a bit outrageous, go for it.  You never know what might happen and that, as it turns out, is what makes life interesting and worthwhile - if we could predict everything and predict it in a way that kept us safe and sound, would we really want to live that life?  I wouldn't.  Life is about living, not about being safe - so try a little foolishness and see where it leads you.

Blessings, Lorraine    





I

You Are Needed for What You Bring

James Hillman, author of the book, The Soul's Code said, "You are needed for what you bring... and...Each person enters the world called."  I love this idea and it is part and parcel of the work I do as a writer and as a advocate for others.  I see it with my grandchildren and in my own children who are busy doing what they are here to do.  I also see myself as called and doing what I am here to do with what I bring.

So today, I ask you, what do you bring to the table and what does the world need from you?  If we are all needed for what we bring then it seems obvious that we should from early on be in the process of figuring this out.  Of course this is a long process and what we bring at one point in our lives may have shifted to the background later on, but in most cases there will be an element of the original in all phases of our life.

But we can get off track and the best way to know that is to take our internal temperature, that is, check out our feelings and ask ourselves how we are doing and how we feel about our lives. The more in tune with our true calling and doing what we are here to do with our lives, then the happier and more satisfied and gratified we will be.

Of course this does not mean that people doing their true calling are never frustrated, depressed or out of sorts - life is filled with challenges and even those who feel called to a particular path experience bad days and bad weather, just like the rest of us.  In fact, Maslow, another great thinker, came up with what he called The Hierarchy of Needs,which says that as soon as you meet one set of needs, restlessness will set in and you will then want to then move up the hierarchy and meet the next higher challenge.  In this way, we are always moving, growing and learning.  Here's a link to Maslow's work http://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

Once you check in with your feelings and look at where you are on Maslow's hierarchy of needs then make sure you are on the right path for you.  Your feelings will in most cases let you know if you are on the right path soul wise, but it will not necessarily tell you which path is right for you.  That might take some time and analysis of your life up to this point.  A good way to start is with your basic temperament - we all come to this life with a basic temperament.  The Keirsey Temperament sorter is a good way to begin.  A free test for this is available at http://keirsey.com/sorter/register.aspx.

Doing this kind of work is exciting, energizing and inspiring but it can at times be frustrating and confusing.  If this is how you experience this process and would like some help, I see this kind of work my calling and so I would love to help you.  Just call me at 720-258-5963 or just shoot me an email at lorrainebanfield@msn.,com.  I'm here to help.

Blessings. Lorraine 

Same Lesson - New Chapter

Years ago when I was still working in the business world I had this horrific boss - she did everything in her power to undermine me and cause me to feel stressed and frustrated.  Finally I called the church I was then attending and asked if they had any counselors on staff. The pastor recommended this wonderful woman who helped me to see my part in why this was happening to me.  I only saw her for a few times before it became apparent to me that the only way for me to feel good about my work was to find a job where I was doing the work I was here to do using my gifts and talents and one where I was respected and valued by those I reported to as well as those I worked with.  Within a short time I had that kind of job and I always thought of her as a miracle worker.  At the same time I remembered something she said to me and it has helped me in many other life challenges along the way.  She said, " You know Lorraine, as soon as you get this lesson these kinds of people will quit showing up in your life."  She told me that difficult people and difficult situations come into our lives to teach us something and it is our job to figure out what that is.  She called this life lessons and let me know that I would continue to attract this lesson, in the form of these kinds of people, until I had learned whatever this lesson was for me.

Figure Out the Lesson - It's all ABout You

So I figured out that I needed to respect and value myself first and foremost and look for indications from new jobs and new friends along the way that they agreed with me or that they didn't.  I thought I was done with this lesson and then one day a new challenge showed up.  But it was different - it wasn't about mean and nasty bosses or difficult friends - it was a whole different situation.  That's when I remember her also saying, "By the way, these lessons come in many disguises and many different situations, but they all have a common theme and a common denominator and that is you and what is it that you need to learn."

Yes, But...

This happens a lot with my therapy practice - it comes in the form of Yes, but...it's not their fault, it's just that this or that person or situation is in the way of whatever it is that they want or need to have happen so they will be happy and satisfied with life.  But life is about learning and growing not just having a life of pleasure and comfort.  It's like the old quote from Robert Browning, "Your reach should exceed your grasp or what's a heaven for."  So I ask you today, what chapter are you on in the book of you?  What lesson are you working on?  What challenge are you now facing that is about something you need to learn?

Examine Old Lessons for Clues to The New Lesson 

A good way to do this is to go back to some old lesson, one that you feel you learned and is at least five years old and see what you think the core lesson was and ask yourself, "What is in my current situation that is similar and that is testing me again? and what did I learn then that I can apply now to this new challenge?"

Ask for Help If You Feel You Need it - I Did

But if you feel stumped, as I did back years ago, then ask for some help.  Maybe you too need a "miracle worker" to help you.  But remember, "Oz never did gave the Tin Man anything he didn't already have."  All the miracle worker does is shine the light on what's already there waiting to be discovered.  I can help you discover that.

Blessings, Lorraine