Love and Work - The Two major Challenges of Wellness Within

This little boy is working to learn to walk and you can tell by the look on his face that he loves what he is doing.  He loves this work!  And of course, he has wellness within - you can see it on his face!  But when we get to adulthood, a lot of things can take a smile like that right off our faces.  And if anything is going to wipe the wellness within right off our faces it is not being happy with our work or our love life.   As Freud once said, "Love and work, that's all there is."  And wellness within is what comes of fulfilling and satisfying love and work.  But what is wellness within? 

Wellness Within 

Wellness within is a sense of well being about your life and who you are.  You feel that you are doing the right work for your skills and talents and that this choice is bringing you the life satisfaction and joy you desire in life.  A person with a good solid sense of wellness within does not dread Monday morning or wish they had some other job or career.  Nor do they long for a different life partner or wish they were single and could choose someone else.  They love their partner and love the life they are living with him or her.  

Now in some cases, a person may feel unhappy or unsatisfied with the choices they have made in either their career or their primary relationship, but this unhappiness is related more to themselves than the career or relationship.  These people don't trust their choices and are always looking for new avenues to explore.  This is not wellness within, this is global dissatisfaction with themselves.  

Global Dissatisfaction with Oneself 

If you do not feel a sense of wellness within but instead feel a sense of global dissatisfaction with yourself and your life then you have some work to do.  The first thing you have to do is become your own best friend.  The truth is that at the end of the day and in fact, at the end of your life, you're the only one you've got - so make friends with yourself.  Take your own side in conflicts with others, forgive yourself for your mistakes, love yourself for your choices and have faith in those choices and decisions.  And fix or get help with the things in your life that you truly believe need to change.  

Go on a Change Odyssey

If after some deep reflection you decide you do need to change some things about yourself, then takes this on.  Go on what I call a Change Odyssey.   Let's say you fret too much about this or that in your life.  Well, any time you fret that is not wellness within.  Fretting and worrying create un-wellness within or what most people would call misery.  What I would say as a psychological consultant is that any time you fret and worry, this is your soul telling you something is amiss.  Attend to it.  Change it or it will kill you!  There's an old saying "She's worried to death."  Well, don't worry yourself to death - fix it and fix it now.  Worry, will indeed kill you!  

Love Your partner or Leave Your Partner

The same goes for your life partner - you need to openly love them or make the decision to leave them since you can't change them, you can only change yourself.  So get busy going on a change odyssey to love your partner or make a decision to leave them.  You can't have it both ways.  One of the things about wellness within is the decision to accept certain unchangeable things and let them be.  Maybe your partner is always late or running late and this bothers you.  Well, that bother is a little bit of un-wellness within.  A little chunk of dissatisfaction inside yourself.  Then the next time she is running late, that bother bumps up against your insides and eventually it's a huge ball of misery.   

What Else Can You Do?

One of the things I tell people about life in general is helping someone out is always a good thing.  So if you life partner is always running late maybe he or she is overwhelmed with all the things they have to do.  So offer some help and do this with an open heart.  Or just do it.  No sarcasm, no under the breath passive aggressive comments, either.  A "Hey let me help you with that."  will almost always be met with gratitude and open acceptance.  

Accept Them For Who/What They Are, Not Who or What You Would Like Them to Be 

This is true whether it is your career or your partner.  The job is what it is and so is your life partner.  The chances of you changing them is pretty unlikely. So be careful who and what you choose in life.  Take your time and do your own self development work so you are as good as you are going to be as well.  Who would want to live with someone or go to work at a job where you are always being ask to change.  

Being accepted for who and what you are is one of our most treasured aspirations.  So go where you are loved and valued for what you bring, not what they wish you would bring.  That is a miserable place to be - AVOID IT!!!!

I wish you love and acceptance for whoever you are, no matter what!

Lorraine 

Is Your Ego Running Wild? While Your Soul Remains Unheeded?

James Hillman said in his book, The Soul's Code - In Search of Character and Calling, that we all come with gifts and talents and that we are here to use them for the greater good, that is, if we want to live a good and purpose filled life.   At the same time, we all have an ego that in most cases keeps us on track with our lives, including what our soul's want for us.  But sometimes we focus only on ego related things and lose touch with what our soul's want for us.  You may get the occasional twinge of a soul related thought or feeling but many people are all ego focused with little soul coming to the forefront of their lives.  

We Live in an Ego Focused World

As young people we went to school and were taught the three R's; reading, writing and arithmetic and we did this using our egos, with almost no soul involved.  It was a matter of learning these things so we could function in the world in a positive and successful way.  This has produced a population of people with strong egos.  In general, we all - most of us anyway - know how to read, write and do math - we are a well educated society.  But are we a soulful society?  I wonder about this, I really do.  

What Would a Soulful Society Look Like?

In my work I urge people to get in touch with their souls and to do and act on their soul's messages.  This can be a delightful prospect or a daunting undertaking.  It depends on how ego focused they are.  In some ways the ego is like a strong protector of the individual person - it will not let anything get in the way of the individual's desires.  But ego desires are often in direct conflict with soul desires.  Let's say your employer offers you a new job in a different city and state, with a higher salary and more responsibility.  Your ego says, "Go for it." and you agree to take this new job.  But once you begin the process of this new ego related position - you can't sleep at night or you wake up at 4am wondering what in the world you have just done to your self and your family.  This is your soul tapping you on the shoulder and asking you to consider the consequences of this action.  

A Soulful Society Would Look More Temperate 

Of course a temperate world is not as exciting and tantalizing as one that is wild and wholly, and if you are a single person with no dependents or with no plans to become a parent, then maybe this job would be okay for you.  But even then, you need to check in with your soul to make sure you have decided on the right thing for you.  Because here is the deal, any decision you make in your life will often affect other people, so you have to consider them.  That's part of living in a temperate world.  Other people affect us as we go along, making decision.  

Ego and Soul Decision Making - The Dance of Equals 

But let's get back to making life decisions based on our ego and not our souls.  What I tell my clients is that all of one's life decisions must be both ego and soul considered.  It's a dance and the ego leads, but the soul brings the rhythm.  I call it a dance of equals.  If it's all ego, it will be kind of stiff and if it's all soul, it might be off in the corner doing something no one understands.  

It's like reading a great book - the ego wrote the book and the reader understands this but if the writer did no include his/her soul in writing the book, it will be less than what it could have been.  It might be entertaining but it won't be touching, meaningful or soulful.     

If You Want Your Life to be Meaningful and Soulful 

Then I suggest you get in touch with your soul and see what he/she has to say about whatever you are considering.  Even if it is a small thing, the ego may set you on what appears to be a good path, but if there is no soul to this new path - your soul will tap you on the shoulder and get your attention.  BTW, the soul speaks in metaphor and symbols, unlike the ego who speaks, more or less in direct messages.  If you make a major life decision and then you can't get to sleep at night or you oversleep and are late to work, it could be that there is something soulful that is unaddressed by this decision.   

Create Some Soul Time

We all need some soul time in our lives.  Always attending to some task or chore, watching movies and television shows, or going out with friends is not soul time.  Soul time is alone time.  Now it doesn't have to be a lot of time, an hour or even half an hour a day dedicated to getting in touch with your soul is often time enough.  Some writers call this "going home" time.  Call it what you like, but make sure you carve out some time to get in touch with your soul.  If you do, I guarantee you will be a happier, more relaxed and purpose driven individual.    

Blessings,  Lorraine 

The World of Worked has Changed Radically, Have You Changed With it?

When I got my master's degree over twenty years ago I did some research, wrote some articles and helped my clients come to terms with the changing world of work, which at that time was just getting started with all the changes we are now facing.  But in most cases my clients didn't want to address this or simply wanted to stay the same, skate through this upheaval, as best they could, and then retire when they got to retirement age.  

Then I wrote a book, Second Act Soul's Calls - Your Guide for the Re-Invention of your life at Midlife and Beyond with Passion, Purpose and Possibilities -  published in 2013 - which was about how your soul has a plan for you and that at midlife you could hear this call and make some changes and create a new life for yourself, but again, most people not only didn't want to hear this call, but actively remained the same, by continuing to do what they had been doing all along.  But the world continues to change and we either change with it or become like the dinosaurs - those giant beasts that roamed the world several million years ago and are now extinct.   

You Can Only Change What You Do - Not Who You Are

BTW, I don't believe that people can change their basic personality type or temperament, what they can do is change what they do in relation to the world around them.  In fact, I would say that we all need to know and understand our basic temperament and personality type.  Once we know and accept this we can begin to react to the world as it changes and do it in a way that fits who we are at a soul level.  For example, I am an ENFP - an Advocate for others  - on the Myers-Briggs personality scale - which also makes me an Idealist temperament.  Therefore, for me to know and pay attention to how the world of work has changed radically in the last twenty years and especially since the Pandemic, and then write about this, fits who I am at a deep, soul level.  It's what I do.  

But What About You?  

What do you do?  What changes have you made to address the changes in the world of work?  Or have you just put your head in the sand and tried to hang on - until retirement, as I said.  But retirement is not the same either - people are living longer and they need something to do other than go on a perpetual vacation.  When retirement was first developed back in the 1930,s  most people only lived a few years past it and were often not particularly healthy - but the average retired person today is very healthy and can expect to live another twenty or thirty years.  What have you noticed about the world of work in the last ten to fifteen years that you know is going to change that world for you and others.  

Last night on PBS, there was a show on all the technological innovations that have taken over the world of work. In one, a person was getting surgery and the "surgeon'" was a robot.   In this show the robot was monitored by a real surgeon - but my guess is that within a short time, the person watching the surgery will no longer be a medical doctor, but a trained technician and that he or she will be using technology to check to make sure the robot is doing it right, but that at some point, sooner rather than later, it will all be technolgy with only a limited number of technicians keeping things going for patients getting surgery.  

Now What?  Now What, Indeed!  

What I see with this is that what the world of work is going to need in the future is a whole lot of technicians doing the work that in the old days - in 2021 - was done by educated and trained individuals who used their training and education to do the job, not a computer program, but their own brain.  But with all these technological changes, the human brain may become obsolete.  

Oh, No!  That Can't Happen!  We Won't Let It!

In fact, what I would say is that the world of work is inhabited by human beings and we can and do have a lot to say about how it works.  So the number one thing we need to do is pay attention to our work, especially where and how we work.  And to notice what has changed and is changing so that we can do something before our brains and our human spirit is completely outdated.    

Look for Satisfaction, Joy and Wonder in your work!

And if you don't find that, then begin to look for and find work that does do this for you.  Also, look for  others who are doing work you enjoy and join them.  Or find organizations that support and advocate for joyful and satisfying work and become a member.  The bottom line is the world or work is changing and either you change what you do in relation to it or become like those dinosaurs, just pictures in a book on the world of work before the big shift happened.  

Are You Paying Attention?

If you put your head down and just hang on - what do you think will happen to you and your life?  This is the big question at this time.  Think on it and let me know your thoughts.  

Blessings

Lorraine 

New Visions - Wellness Within - 720-258-5963
A Learning and Growing Resource - annlbanfield@gmail.com

"You have to see it to believe it and take action to make it real."  

Are You Shrinking to Fit Something that does not Fit You

 

In life we are often given the opportunity to shrink to fit something that may, on the surface, look like a good thing for us but once we shrink to fit it, we find that it is not something we really want.  

It could be a job, a relationship, a trip somewhere, a political party we are offered the opportunity to join, or anything that expects or requires us to be less than who we really are at our core in order to fit it.  

This happens when we are offered something of value to us but doesn't really fit us and we take this less than what we want thing in spite of this.  Usually this happens when we want something we have either not earned or want in spite of the price we are being asked to pay for it.  

The Ways We Shrink To Fit

Let's say it's a new job.  You go for the interview and it looks good but then they mention something to you in kind of an off hand manner, that is part of the job, but the job looks great in all other ways, so you accept it.  But then on the first day of work you are asked to do this one thing that doesn't fit you.  Maybe it's some kind of misrepresentation of what the company does - I once got a job with a career consulting company that had a gorgeous front office with a huge conference room looking out onto the mountains, where I met and worked with the clients they assigned me, but on a daily basis I was put into a a tiny, little boxed in cubicle next to the telemarketer who spent all day on the phone selling clients on the work I would do for them.  In order to do this job I had to pretend that the front office and the conference room were the true nature of this company, when in reality I had to shrink myself  to fit the cramped and noisy little cubicle they put me in.  I left after I worked with my first customer, since shrinking to fit is something I simply won't do.  

But Maybe It's Not a Job But a Relationship

Sometimes, shrinking to fit comes in the form of a relationship.  It could be a romantic relationship or a new friend or neighbor.  One of my clients had a neighbor who wanted to be friends with her, but they were not on the same level of education, maturity or lifestyle.  My client tried really hard to make this friendship work, but in order to do that she had to shrink to fit this neighbor.  The neighbor bitched and moaned about her boyfriend, her grown up children and her job.  But my client was happy with her life and didn't bitch and moan about much of anything.  Eventually, my client had to put space between her and this woman and was simply unavailable for friendship with her.  

Shrinking to Fit Could be a Nice Guy Way of Being

Some of us want to be seen by others as a nice guy or a sweetheart, and in doing this we often have to shrink in order to fit someone else's vision of us.  This is actually a self esteem issue.  People who like and value themselves don't worry too much about what other people think of them.  They hope people like them and respect them but they don't sell their souls to get this.  One of my favorite writers, Wayne Dyer said "Self actualized people are independent of the good opinion of others." So if you are playing the role of nice guy or sweetheart in your interactions with others, it is time to take stock and begin to be your true self in the world and stop shrinking to fit anything or anyone.  If you think you might be doing this then give me a call as I love to help others find and value their true selves in the world.  

Blessings, Lorraine 

New Visions - Wellness Within 

 Lorraine Banfield - Director - Mentor- Educator

720-258-5963

Are You Shopping for Solutions to Life's Challenges?

We live in a world that markets and sells the solution to all of life's challenges. If you have a problem you will be told via the Internet, Television and other sources that all you have to do is purchase the solution with this or that product or service.  We are bombarded by these ads on a relentless basis, from drugs that will cure us, supplements that will prevent problems from developing, exercise programs and equipment that will keep us healthy and young, to ambulance chasing attorneys who will get you a million bucks if you've been in an auto accident. We are also sold political ads that tell us what to think and how to vote.  Then there are of course, all the recreational and pleasurable actives we can purchase that sell us the good life.  And one of my favorites, the beauty ads - hair, make up and face creams that try to guarantee us that we will never get old.   

Now don't get me wrong - I love shopping and of course we need or at least want all kinds of things like food, shelter, exercise, health care, professional services, entertainment and so on but when it comes to solving life's more challenging aspects we need to look inside and find the answer with in us.  As Karl Jung said,

"He who looks outside dreams, he who looks inside, awakens."

So the next time you find yourself struggling with some existential angst, try looking inside yourself for the answer.  Each us is gifted with who and what we are and that includes what we can do with our lives.  We do not have to shop for the answer, all we have to do is get in touch with what is already inside ourselves.  Now this may mean that what you find will require you to do something that does require a bit pf shopping.  Let's say you find that what you really want to do with your life is be a writer, or a professor, a nurse or doctor - well all these things require education and learning.  So you will have to shop for a school to attend or books to read people who can help you with your call.    I use the word call as that is what your insides will illuminate for you - what you are here to do with your life, your calling.  And of course, once you hear your call, you will most likely need to do some shopping in order to make it happen.  I call this Target Shopping.  

Do Some Target Shopping To Make it Happen
 

Once you wake up to what you want in your life then going out and target shopping to make that happen flows easily and that's how you know you are on the right track.  Once you look inside and hear your call, things begin to flow.   But if that is not happening maybe you need a little help and that's what I do with people, I help them discover who they are and what they long to do with their life.  If you feel stuck or lost in the woods then give me a call - I am here to help you - it's what I found inside myself when I looked within.

Blessings, Lorraine

New Visions -At Wellness WithIn

720-258-5963 - Email lorrainebanfield@msn.com

"You have to see it to believe it and take action to make it real"

Change the Way You Look at Things & the Things You Look at Change

We all have things we think, believe and do that we don't really question too much, it's just what we think is right or wrong depending on what it is.  Some of these things come from the culture, some come from our families, some come from our religion and some come from the media but many of them come from our own life experiences and our reactions to these events.  These reactions could have happened last week or when we were kids.  Some of these experiences were delightful, some were boring and tedious and some were horrible, miserable and stressful.  So we decide what we feel about these experiences and this sets up our belief systems, our daily actions and the way we then do and direct our lives more or less on auto pilot.   

 

But what if we were wrong?  What if what we have "decided" is not serving us or is making us live a life that is not soulful or authentic for us.  What if our beliefs and actions are limiting us in ways that in the long run will make us feel cheated by life?

 

Look at What You Do - Is this Authentic for You?

 

Start with what you do each day and ask yourself if this is the right thing for you to be doing with your life.  Are you doing the right work for you?  Do you love it or are you simply marking time until  you can do something else.  Do you like/love and value the people in your life?  Do you feel your life is purposeful and meaningful?  Do you feel true to yourself?

 

Look at Your Values - Do They Support the Greater Good?

 

Whether we like it or not, the best lives are lived by those who act in ways that both support themselves and their own souls but who never forget that we are all in this together.  In other words, if we only work and believe in our own good but don't care a bit about others, we are going to eventually feel empty and dead inside.  So when you look at your values pay attention to those that may be prejudiced against others, or that tell you that you are above certain people, are better than them based on some arbitrary thing like the color of your skin, your I.Q. your physical beauty or the country in which you were born.  These are either accidents of birth or given by God, depending on your belief system, but what ever you believe, you did not earn these things but were given them by something beyond mine or your understanding. 

 

Be Diligent

 

As  you go about your day, be diligent about looking at what you believe, do and say.  Are your basic actions in support of you and your soul and the souls of others or are you simply going about life on without conscious thought about it?    Of course, if you have questions about this or want some support in making some changes in your life then give me a call - this is what I do.

 

Blessings, Lorraine  

 

720-258-5963 or lorrainebanfield@msn.com

 

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change

 

 

 

 

 

 

No BMW's or Helicopters to the Summit

I was watching a PSB program recently about two professors from Colorado State University, now both in their 80's, who still teach, coach and take students and others on hikes in the high country of the Rocky Mountains.  I found these men both inspiring and entertaining.  One of them told those he teaches, coaches or takes on hikes that he has only one rule - No BMW's!  My immediate thought was a sleek, German built luxury car, but then he said, "No Bitching, Moaning or Whining!"  He said he told his students and others that if they wanted to make the grade, win the game or make it to the summit of the mountain then they would have to refrain from this negative talking and thinking.  I totally agree and now have added this mantra to my own self talk and teach it to others as well.  I also added another one - No Helicopters to the Summit!  Most of us, of course, understand the first one but what does this other one really mean? 

Well, a helicopter to the summit means taking a short cut to the top of something that challenges you.  Examples could be cheating on a test, lying about your work or life experience, stealing someone else's idea and presenting it as your own, using drugs and alcohol to make yourself feel better or it could be something much more subtle. 

As a life coach I work with people who want solid, successful and loving relationships, but many of them resist the work and time it takes to become the kind of person who can actually do this.  Divorce and the break-up of long term relationships is common, but what is not as common is taking the time to deal with what happened, what your part in it was and what YOU need to do to keep this from happening again. 

BMW's are Part of the Blame Game

I meet people all the time who are what one writer called divorce burn outs - people who have been divorced for several years but who are still talking about their ex spouses as if they were the man or woman from Hell.  These are the BMW talkers, they talk regularly about their ex partner without ever taking any personal responsibility for what happened.  

Helicopters to the Summit are Fantasy Trips

The other kind of person I meet are people who want to avoid the work and responsibility of their failed relationships or other life challenges and simply decide to take a helicopter to the summit.  I know a woman who one  week after moving out from a seven year relationship was online looking for a new man and within three months she had met one and he moved in with her.  He too, of course, was recently divorced from his second marriage and looking for a helicopter to the fantasy of love and romance. They told me they were in love and asked me if I believed in love at first sight.  I told them that I believed in attraction at first sight but that love was a different matter.  They, of course, ignored me. 

Life is Challenging - You are Responsible for Your Challenges

Successful people meet the challenges of life by taking actions to meet those challenges not by bitching, moaning whining and blaming others or trying to avoid the hard work,disappointment and responsibility by taking a fantasy trip to the summit of their desires.

Successful people also use the resources available to them such as a professional who can help them meet these challenges and that's what I do.  So if something in your life is encouraging you to bitch, moan, whine and blame others or a fantasy trip is tempting you,  then give me a call. I would love to hear from you. 

Blessings, Lorraine

Phone - 720-258-5963 - Email - lorrainebanfield@msn.com

You have to see if to make it happen and you have to take action to make it real