If You Want A Life Renaissance Then You Will Have to Change Your Methods

This blog is dedicated to the idea that those of us who are in our second act are being called to a life renaissance. What this means is that we are looking to live a transformed life from our first act; that instead of simply floating down the river enjoying the fruits of our first act labors or working diligently to hang on to them, we are actually making a transition into a new way of being and living. I call it a renaissance since this word means renewal, regeneration, reawakening, revitalization and rebirth, it does not mean doing the same things we have always done and expecting different results or expecting the results to bring us satisfaction in a second act way. Each stage of life offers its joys and challenges and no stage lasts forever. Many of the ideas and methods we used for success in our first act, will in many cases not bring what we actually want in terms of our new idea of success in our second act. What happens to us however is we get used to doing things in certain ways – tried and true ways. These are our habits and our methods for negotiating life. If something has worked for us in the past, most of us will not question it now, but that is exactly what we need to do if we want a true renaissance in our lives.

Recently I had this come home to me. I was doing some research to find an agent for my book and I heard about this one woman and looked her up on the Internet. She had a list of what she would expect from a non-fiction author she would consider representing. When I looked at this list I got a negative reaction and it took me a few days to figure out why. She said that in order for her to represent a non fiction author they would need to be doing from 30-60 speaking engagements a year, have a syndicated newspaper or magazine column, a connection to a major university, published articles, and established media contacts in both radio and television. As it turns out I have most of these and for those that I don’t – the speaking engagements – I don’t usually do that many - and the media contacts – I have a few but they need reestablishment – but I knew I could easily put these in place, I just needed to speed up my game and get out there, no problem; I’d done this before. But I was still disturbed looking at this list. At first I think it’s because I feel challenged by this or I wondered if there was some fear in there somewhere, you know the old fear of success. I considered that maybe I was somehow intimidated by this kind of expectation. So I mulled this over for about a week – I wrote in my journal and I talked to some close friends about it. Everyone told me they had no doubts about my ability to do this, including myself, but I still felt disturbed.

Then one morning I woke up and knew what it was – I DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT! This was a first act definition of success, not a second act one. The most negative item on her list was the 30-60 speaking engagements a year. Well, think about it, that ends up being close to two a week. If I did that then I would no doubt be traveling around the country as I would run of places to speak if I simply did them in Denver where I live. Having that kind of schedule and that kind of expectation and commitment to your work is what first act people do. I’m in my second act and I want a different life than that. Getting on airplanes and staying in hotels on a weekly basis is not my idea of the good life – it might be for a first act person and I did that kind of thing in my first act but that is not it for me now. And it’s not because I am too old to do it or too tired and worn out but because I’m too smart, too wise for that kind of grueling schedule. The life I want to lead is not made up of life in airports and hotel rooms. The life I want to lead is filled with enough free time that the muse shows up in both my writing and other creative projects, I want to help others by giving my gifts in ways that bare fruit, I want to be able to get out in nature every day, read and learn new things on an on-going basis and be with my friends and family regularly. I am not simply looking to make money, which is the message from this agent - which is fine but money, in and of itself, is not enough of a motivator to get me to do what she requires.

What I realized I was doing was using a first act person’s definition of success as a method for generating my own renaissance and that is a mistake. This by the way is a prevalent message in our culture – almost all advice you will find in books, the media and particularly on the Internet is directed at first act people. There is an assumption out there that we get this one act to be successful and all the methods and all the advice is for people in their first acts. The assumption is that everyone is either in their first act or are hanging on to the idea that they can stay there forever and continue to use the methods first act people use to be successful. The media tells us that life is a one-act play with any second act being a vacation from the first. Except for selling you products to make your second act financially secure, physically healthy and filled with recreational activities; there is very little out there about a second act done in a different way than the first act.

But, if like me, you are in your second act and would like a renaissance in your life then you will need to come up with some new definitions of success and some new methods to get you there. This new definition will not be a one size fits all definition. For me traveling weekly to give speeches is not my idea of a second act soul call, but it might be for you. If you think it is, I still ask you to make sure by examing it closely to make sure you are not simply using a first act definition. Below are some questions to ask yourself in helping you come up with your own guidelines for what constitutes success for you in your second act:

What brings you meaning and a sense of using your gifts on a daily basis?
Who or what would you want your gifts to serve?
What is your definition of success and do you need to re-think it?
What are you no longer willing to do to be conventionally successful?
What methods for success have you used in your first act that need to be re-examined now, given your current calling for your life?

I would love to hear from anyone who is at the point of wanting a renaissance and have grappled with these questions and come up with some new methods – we are indeed, all in this together and we need to help each other in amy way that we can. I’ll publish the best ideas so send them to me.

Blessings, Lorraine

Five Off Beat Ways to Beat the Winter Slugs

I don’t know about you but as soon as the time changes in the fall I experience what I call the winter slugs. I think I must be related to the bear family as all I want to do is hole at home and eat fatty, sugary foods and watch trashy TV shows or read escapist novels. My energy level plummets and I find myself getting grumpy and unmotivated to do what even a month before I was eager and energized to do.

Many years ago, I diagnosed myself as having Seasonal Affective Disorder and read up on how to prevent it or at least modify its affects. SAD as it is called, is caused by lack of direct sunlight in the proper amounts. Not everyone is afflicted but for those that are, it can be a real bummer. If you suffer from this syndrome then you will begin to notice a decrease in energy when the time changes and the days get shorter and there are more cloudy and overcast days. So I have a light source that I use every morning from early November until May – I sit with it directed at me while I write in my journal. I do a four mile walk everyday unless it’s raining or snowing, I keep all my window curtains open to the outside sunshine, I have my writing desk in front of a big window and I limit negative influences as much as humanly possible. I do this last because one of the affects of this syndrome is that once your energy gets low this creates a kind of blue mood and since negative thinking can increase any depressive feelings you might have, it’s important to make sure you don’t allow yourself to wallow in negative thoughts or allow negative people to come into your space, if at all possible.

Those are the basic ways to stem the tide of the winter slugs, but they only do so much and one day you wake up and that little creepy monster has his big sluggy paw right up against your eyes and everything looks dark and gloomy. It’s time to go for the weird stuff, the offbeat stuff, the, I never thought of that stuff. So here goes, below are five things that work for me:

Wear an outlandish hat – Make sure it is wild in some way – the color, the decorations on it or its design. Now wear it to work or wherever you happen to be going the day the big slug shows up. When people ask you about it tell them it’s a kind of ju ju against the winter slugs. If no one asks you, then ask them how they like your hat and in this way you can tell them why you are wearing it.

Have a Saturday Night Fever Party - Rent Saturday Night Fever or the sound tract to it and invite all your friends over. Tell then to wear something from the 70's. If no one is available for this then have the party on your own. If you’re a woman put on a flouncy cocktail dress, and if you’re a man find your self something lounge lizardy to wear; now dance to every disco tune in that movie by yourself - it will lighen your mood and be good exercise at the same time.

Become a Kid Again - Go to a park with slides and rides – swing on the swings, slide down the slide and ride on the rides. Stay at least an hour so you can get your blood pumping by being a kid again – go alone or take a friend – a kid if you have one handy.

Take or Create a Show Tunes Dance Troup - Either take a class or create one yourself where you learn some jazz and modern dance routines. Then twice a year give a performance. Go to the Goodwill or the ARC store and buy some funky clothes to wear for your routines. Rent a Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movie and copy thier routines.

Eat Some Weird Food - Go to Whole Foods or a Chinese or Japanese market that sells weird and unusual food and buy something you’ve never had before and that looks like something you really don’t think you want to eat but buy it anyway and cook it and eat it. Invite some friends over for a Weird Food potluck. Tell everyone to wear something outlandish too.

Although these things may not cure your winter slugs, they will, in most cases get you out and about and in a different frame of mind and who knows maybe one of them will be so much fun, you’ll start doing it on a regular basis just for the fun of it.

Blessings, Lorraine

Dealing With Challenging People – Some Things to Consider

No matter how evolved we may be or think we are, no matter how much personal growth work we’ve done or how high our emotional intelligence is, there will be times when someone comes along who challenges us and creates frustration, annoyance and a sense of being unable to solve this issue in a way that works, and does not create more conflict and turmoil. We’re all human and as such we can get caught up in conflict with others in the blink of an eye. As part of the journey toward self-actualization and answering our soul’s call, we will be tested in many ways, and dealing with difficult and challenging people is one of the tests we get along the way, and unlike some other tests, we may get it again and again until we become expert at recognizing it before it becomes a problem. The trick is not to eliminate the troublesome people from our lives; these kinds of people will always be there; but to figure how to deal with them without getting our buttons pushed and without having to limit our life in some way in order to avoid them.

It’s Both Personal and Not Personal

It’s Not Personal – We often hear that it’s best not to take things too personally, and this is almost always true in the sense that to take what someone else says about you, or who does things that irritate and frustrate you is almost always about them and not you. It’s who they are and what they are struggling with that instigates the behavior that is bugging you. Now occasionally someone will take you aside and tell you something about yourself that you’d prefer not to hear, but if this person is someone you respect and admire, and who you believe is telling you this in your best interest, then it seems logical in this case to take in the feedback and give it some serious thought. If you do not respect or value this person’s opinion, and you feel it is more about what this person wants from you than what is best for you, then it would be better to be honest and say you hear her or him, but you’re going to stick with your own ideas about whatever it is and simply agree to disagree.

It Is Personal – However, in reality, in many cases, it is personal in that the problem, the person, is in your life and you have to deal with them. You will need to do something in order to neutralize this person’s effect on you and your life. In some cases, this will be fairly easy – you can simply decide not to engage with them – you may walk away and end your association with this person. Not so fast, you say. What if this person works with me, is a close relative, a neighbor or in my social network or in a group I love and don’t want to walk away from, then what?

Evaluate the Costs and Benefits – When it comes to people you cannot simply walk away from, you must then evaluate the costs and the benefits of remaining involved with this person or the group in which they operate. If it is a work setting, then the cost of walking away might be your job; that would be too high a cost in most cases. If it is a family member, and to end your relationship with them would mean an elimination of the family connection or the creation of a convoluted one, then again this would be too high a cost.

Take the High Road and Become the Conscious One

In some cases, depending on the person, you may be able to talk with her or him and agree to disagree, as I said above, but in many cases, the fact that this person is a burr under your saddle blanket means that this really isn’t an option with her or him. If you could have simply talked to the person, you would have, and in many cases, have already tried and it didn’t work. Now you have to become the conscious one. What this means is you go into any encounter with this person knowing that a problem could occur with them. In a way, you could think of her or him as having a virus, and if you go into the person’s space you could be infected with this virus so you protect yourself by becoming conscious and aware. Most of the time we get blindsided by these kinds of people because we are going into situations with them expecting them to be different than they are. We act innocently, which is the same as being unconscious, and then get upset when the same thing that has happened before happens again. Here’s the thing, people who are difficult and contentious, often enjoy the conflict, or are so immature and narcissistic that they simply do not see this about themselves. But you do, and so you must be the one who prepares ahead of time for any encounter with them. This does put the burden on you, but you have already decided that it’s in your best interest to remain in this group, family or work setting, and so this is what you are doing to protect your own life and interests.

Taking the High Road – It’s also important to take the high road by not engaging in any conflict that occurs. What this may mean is that you actually say, “You know, I think we disagree on this so let’s change the subject”, or you simply say nothing. Remaining quiet is one of the most powerful things one can do to staunch the fire that is brewing, or is trying to be started by someone gunning for a fight or who thrives on controversy. By simply remaining silent and not engaging, someone else will usually either change the subject or bring in a new idea that will effectively eliminate the controversy.

Become Compassionate and Understanding – Another way to take the high road is to become compassionate and understanding toward the challenging person. Of course it is crucial that you do this with tact and diplomacy. If you do this in any way that suggests that you are being patronizing, then this will backfire. To say to someone that you see her or his point does not mean you agree with the point, but it can defuse the situation by leaving no room for a fight. You may also simply become more understanding of what drives this person. Many people who become this way are carrying some kind of chip on their shoulders, usually from a childhood wound. You might try finding out what this is and offer some kind of support or understanding. Maybe they grew up in a family where they never felt heard, or they had to fight to be heard. If you recognize this about them and then let them have their say, they might begin to tone themselves down and work within the confines of the group, rather than attempting to shout or demand their due at every opportunity.

Enlist the Help of Others But Be Cautious in This Regard – If you feel sure that others in the group feel the same way you do, and this feeling is not the result of gossip or being catty, then you might enlist their help in taking the high road with this person. Mainly what you would want to do is to get the others to agree not to engage in debates or controversy with this person, but to do this in a way that is not patronizing or condescending, but positive and affirming of this person and her or his role in the group. Remember, in most cases, this person has a role and a value to the group, or one can be found for this person, therefore to simply dismiss her or him out of hand, is unfair and harsh.

Seek Out a Professional for Coaching and or Mediation – I once worked with a mother and daughter who had gotten to a place where they were no longer speaking to each other. In working with them, I found that both had valid issues and concerns. The main thing I helped them see was this very thing; that each had her issues with the other and each needed to be heard by the other. Once we did this, they began to resolve their own problems and no longer needed a coach or mediator to show them the way. I also worked with a work team where things had gotten to a place of conflict and even shouting, but these people were invested in the project they were creating, and neither wanted to leave or quit and they both knew that even though they were frustrated and upset about the situation, each was, in reality a valued member of the team and neither really wanted the other to quit or be replaced. In this case, we worked on each person understanding and being compassionate about the other, and particularly understanding the different temperaments of each and how these could work together, but also how they could butt heads due to these differences. Once each felt heard, understood and accepted for who he was and what he brought to the table, the whole controversy was resolved and their project is now a well running operation and they look back on the conflict and laugh when some new issue comes up that has similar attributes. It's then that they remind themselves of what they learned and that they have been down this road before and now have the skills to solve any problems that occur on their own.

Check Out Your Own Narcissistic Behaviors – Any time you have a problem with someone else, the first place to look to see what is causing the problem is your own needs, desires and attitudes. We all have our own agendas and often forget to listen to and pay attention to what others want or need or we are so focused on what we want in a particular situation that we fail to factor in anyone else's needs but our own. So next time you have a problem with someone make sure it doesn't come from your own narcissistic desires rather than the fact that they are being difficult.

If you find yourself involved in a difficult situation with someone, take a look at the ideas presented here, and see if one of them can help you solve or resolve the issue with this person. The truth is that if you want to be a self- actualizing person; a person who is evolving and learning how to be in the world in your best and most authentic way, then to take full responsibility for your own actions and reactions is the only way to go, and this includes how to deal with all the various people and situations that come your way. If you don’t, then you will become embroiled in situations with people who like being cantankerous and difficult, and who in many cases just love to get your goat or with people who simply have a different, but just as valid agenda as you do. The best way to do this is to become conscious, be compassionate and understanding; take the high road, enlist help and always where appropriate, always, take responsibility by looking directly and deeply at your own actions and how they may contribute to the problem. Once you begin to do this as a matter of course, many, if not all, of these difficult people and situations will begin to disappear or they will somehow pass you by.

Blessings, Lorraine