No matter how evolved we may be or think we are, no matter how much personal growth work we’ve done or how high our emotional intelligence is, there will be times when someone comes along who challenges us and creates frustration, annoyance and a sense of being unable to solve this issue in a way that works, and does not create more conflict and turmoil. We’re all human and as such we can get caught up in conflict with others in the blink of an eye. As part of the journey toward self-actualization and answering our soul’s call, we will be tested in many ways, and dealing with difficult and challenging people is one of the tests we get along the way, and unlike some other tests, we may get it again and again until we become expert at recognizing it before it becomes a problem. The trick is not to eliminate the troublesome people from our lives; these kinds of people will always be there; but to figure how to deal with them without getting our buttons pushed and without having to limit our life in some way in order to avoid them.
It’s Both Personal and Not Personal
It’s Not Personal – We often hear that it’s best not to take things too personally, and this is almost always true in the sense that to take what someone else says about you, or who does things that irritate and frustrate you is almost always about them and not you. It’s who they are and what they are struggling with that instigates the behavior that is bugging you. Now occasionally someone will take you aside and tell you something about yourself that you’d prefer not to hear, but if this person is someone you respect and admire, and who you believe is telling you this in your best interest, then it seems logical in this case to take in the feedback and give it some serious thought. If you do not respect or value this person’s opinion, and you feel it is more about what this person wants from you than what is best for you, then it would be better to be honest and say you hear her or him, but you’re going to stick with your own ideas about whatever it is and simply agree to disagree.
It Is Personal – However, in reality, in many cases, it is personal in that the problem, the person, is in your life and you have to deal with them. You will need to do something in order to neutralize this person’s effect on you and your life. In some cases, this will be fairly easy – you can simply decide not to engage with them – you may walk away and end your association with this person. Not so fast, you say. What if this person works with me, is a close relative, a neighbor or in my social network or in a group I love and don’t want to walk away from, then what?
Evaluate the Costs and Benefits – When it comes to people you cannot simply walk away from, you must then evaluate the costs and the benefits of remaining involved with this person or the group in which they operate. If it is a work setting, then the cost of walking away might be your job; that would be too high a cost in most cases. If it is a family member, and to end your relationship with them would mean an elimination of the family connection or the creation of a convoluted one, then again this would be too high a cost.
Take the High Road and Become the Conscious One
In some cases, depending on the person, you may be able to talk with her or him and agree to disagree, as I said above, but in many cases, the fact that this person is a burr under your saddle blanket means that this really isn’t an option with her or him. If you could have simply talked to the person, you would have, and in many cases, have already tried and it didn’t work. Now you have to become the conscious one. What this means is you go into any encounter with this person knowing that a problem could occur with them. In a way, you could think of her or him as having a virus, and if you go into the person’s space you could be infected with this virus so you protect yourself by becoming conscious and aware. Most of the time we get blindsided by these kinds of people because we are going into situations with them expecting them to be different than they are. We act innocently, which is the same as being unconscious, and then get upset when the same thing that has happened before happens again. Here’s the thing, people who are difficult and contentious, often enjoy the conflict, or are so immature and narcissistic that they simply do not see this about themselves. But you do, and so you must be the one who prepares ahead of time for any encounter with them. This does put the burden on you, but you have already decided that it’s in your best interest to remain in this group, family or work setting, and so this is what you are doing to protect your own life and interests.
Taking the High Road – It’s also important to take the high road by not engaging in any conflict that occurs. What this may mean is that you actually say, “You know, I think we disagree on this so let’s change the subject”, or you simply say nothing. Remaining quiet is one of the most powerful things one can do to staunch the fire that is brewing, or is trying to be started by someone gunning for a fight or who thrives on controversy. By simply remaining silent and not engaging, someone else will usually either change the subject or bring in a new idea that will effectively eliminate the controversy.
Become Compassionate and Understanding – Another way to take the high road is to become compassionate and understanding toward the challenging person. Of course it is crucial that you do this with tact and diplomacy. If you do this in any way that suggests that you are being patronizing, then this will backfire. To say to someone that you see her or his point does not mean you agree with the point, but it can defuse the situation by leaving no room for a fight. You may also simply become more understanding of what drives this person. Many people who become this way are carrying some kind of chip on their shoulders, usually from a childhood wound. You might try finding out what this is and offer some kind of support or understanding. Maybe they grew up in a family where they never felt heard, or they had to fight to be heard. If you recognize this about them and then let them have their say, they might begin to tone themselves down and work within the confines of the group, rather than attempting to shout or demand their due at every opportunity.
Enlist the Help of Others But Be Cautious in This Regard – If you feel sure that others in the group feel the same way you do, and this feeling is not the result of gossip or being catty, then you might enlist their help in taking the high road with this person. Mainly what you would want to do is to get the others to agree not to engage in debates or controversy with this person, but to do this in a way that is not patronizing or condescending, but positive and affirming of this person and her or his role in the group. Remember, in most cases, this person has a role and a value to the group, or one can be found for this person, therefore to simply dismiss her or him out of hand, is unfair and harsh.
Seek Out a Professional for Coaching and or Mediation – I once worked with a mother and daughter who had gotten to a place where they were no longer speaking to each other. In working with them, I found that both had valid issues and concerns. The main thing I helped them see was this very thing; that each had her issues with the other and each needed to be heard by the other. Once we did this, they began to resolve their own problems and no longer needed a coach or mediator to show them the way. I also worked with a work team where things had gotten to a place of conflict and even shouting, but these people were invested in the project they were creating, and neither wanted to leave or quit and they both knew that even though they were frustrated and upset about the situation, each was, in reality a valued member of the team and neither really wanted the other to quit or be replaced. In this case, we worked on each person understanding and being compassionate about the other, and particularly understanding the different temperaments of each and how these could work together, but also how they could butt heads due to these differences. Once each felt heard, understood and accepted for who he was and what he brought to the table, the whole controversy was resolved and their project is now a well running operation and they look back on the conflict and laugh when some new issue comes up that has similar attributes. It's then that they remind themselves of what they learned and that they have been down this road before and now have the skills to solve any problems that occur on their own.
Check Out Your Own Narcissistic Behaviors – Any time you have a problem with someone else, the first place to look to see what is causing the problem is your own needs, desires and attitudes. We all have our own agendas and often forget to listen to and pay attention to what others want or need or we are so focused on what we want in a particular situation that we fail to factor in anyone else's needs but our own. So next time you have a problem with someone make sure it doesn't come from your own narcissistic desires rather than the fact that they are being difficult.
It’s Both Personal and Not Personal
It’s Not Personal – We often hear that it’s best not to take things too personally, and this is almost always true in the sense that to take what someone else says about you, or who does things that irritate and frustrate you is almost always about them and not you. It’s who they are and what they are struggling with that instigates the behavior that is bugging you. Now occasionally someone will take you aside and tell you something about yourself that you’d prefer not to hear, but if this person is someone you respect and admire, and who you believe is telling you this in your best interest, then it seems logical in this case to take in the feedback and give it some serious thought. If you do not respect or value this person’s opinion, and you feel it is more about what this person wants from you than what is best for you, then it would be better to be honest and say you hear her or him, but you’re going to stick with your own ideas about whatever it is and simply agree to disagree.
It Is Personal – However, in reality, in many cases, it is personal in that the problem, the person, is in your life and you have to deal with them. You will need to do something in order to neutralize this person’s effect on you and your life. In some cases, this will be fairly easy – you can simply decide not to engage with them – you may walk away and end your association with this person. Not so fast, you say. What if this person works with me, is a close relative, a neighbor or in my social network or in a group I love and don’t want to walk away from, then what?
Evaluate the Costs and Benefits – When it comes to people you cannot simply walk away from, you must then evaluate the costs and the benefits of remaining involved with this person or the group in which they operate. If it is a work setting, then the cost of walking away might be your job; that would be too high a cost in most cases. If it is a family member, and to end your relationship with them would mean an elimination of the family connection or the creation of a convoluted one, then again this would be too high a cost.
Take the High Road and Become the Conscious One
In some cases, depending on the person, you may be able to talk with her or him and agree to disagree, as I said above, but in many cases, the fact that this person is a burr under your saddle blanket means that this really isn’t an option with her or him. If you could have simply talked to the person, you would have, and in many cases, have already tried and it didn’t work. Now you have to become the conscious one. What this means is you go into any encounter with this person knowing that a problem could occur with them. In a way, you could think of her or him as having a virus, and if you go into the person’s space you could be infected with this virus so you protect yourself by becoming conscious and aware. Most of the time we get blindsided by these kinds of people because we are going into situations with them expecting them to be different than they are. We act innocently, which is the same as being unconscious, and then get upset when the same thing that has happened before happens again. Here’s the thing, people who are difficult and contentious, often enjoy the conflict, or are so immature and narcissistic that they simply do not see this about themselves. But you do, and so you must be the one who prepares ahead of time for any encounter with them. This does put the burden on you, but you have already decided that it’s in your best interest to remain in this group, family or work setting, and so this is what you are doing to protect your own life and interests.
Taking the High Road – It’s also important to take the high road by not engaging in any conflict that occurs. What this may mean is that you actually say, “You know, I think we disagree on this so let’s change the subject”, or you simply say nothing. Remaining quiet is one of the most powerful things one can do to staunch the fire that is brewing, or is trying to be started by someone gunning for a fight or who thrives on controversy. By simply remaining silent and not engaging, someone else will usually either change the subject or bring in a new idea that will effectively eliminate the controversy.
Become Compassionate and Understanding – Another way to take the high road is to become compassionate and understanding toward the challenging person. Of course it is crucial that you do this with tact and diplomacy. If you do this in any way that suggests that you are being patronizing, then this will backfire. To say to someone that you see her or his point does not mean you agree with the point, but it can defuse the situation by leaving no room for a fight. You may also simply become more understanding of what drives this person. Many people who become this way are carrying some kind of chip on their shoulders, usually from a childhood wound. You might try finding out what this is and offer some kind of support or understanding. Maybe they grew up in a family where they never felt heard, or they had to fight to be heard. If you recognize this about them and then let them have their say, they might begin to tone themselves down and work within the confines of the group, rather than attempting to shout or demand their due at every opportunity.
Enlist the Help of Others But Be Cautious in This Regard – If you feel sure that others in the group feel the same way you do, and this feeling is not the result of gossip or being catty, then you might enlist their help in taking the high road with this person. Mainly what you would want to do is to get the others to agree not to engage in debates or controversy with this person, but to do this in a way that is not patronizing or condescending, but positive and affirming of this person and her or his role in the group. Remember, in most cases, this person has a role and a value to the group, or one can be found for this person, therefore to simply dismiss her or him out of hand, is unfair and harsh.
Seek Out a Professional for Coaching and or Mediation – I once worked with a mother and daughter who had gotten to a place where they were no longer speaking to each other. In working with them, I found that both had valid issues and concerns. The main thing I helped them see was this very thing; that each had her issues with the other and each needed to be heard by the other. Once we did this, they began to resolve their own problems and no longer needed a coach or mediator to show them the way. I also worked with a work team where things had gotten to a place of conflict and even shouting, but these people were invested in the project they were creating, and neither wanted to leave or quit and they both knew that even though they were frustrated and upset about the situation, each was, in reality a valued member of the team and neither really wanted the other to quit or be replaced. In this case, we worked on each person understanding and being compassionate about the other, and particularly understanding the different temperaments of each and how these could work together, but also how they could butt heads due to these differences. Once each felt heard, understood and accepted for who he was and what he brought to the table, the whole controversy was resolved and their project is now a well running operation and they look back on the conflict and laugh when some new issue comes up that has similar attributes. It's then that they remind themselves of what they learned and that they have been down this road before and now have the skills to solve any problems that occur on their own.
Check Out Your Own Narcissistic Behaviors – Any time you have a problem with someone else, the first place to look to see what is causing the problem is your own needs, desires and attitudes. We all have our own agendas and often forget to listen to and pay attention to what others want or need or we are so focused on what we want in a particular situation that we fail to factor in anyone else's needs but our own. So next time you have a problem with someone make sure it doesn't come from your own narcissistic desires rather than the fact that they are being difficult.
If you find yourself involved in a difficult situation with someone, take a look at the ideas presented here, and see if one of them can help you solve or resolve the issue with this person. The truth is that if you want to be a self- actualizing person; a person who is evolving and learning how to be in the world in your best and most authentic way, then to take full responsibility for your own actions and reactions is the only way to go, and this includes how to deal with all the various people and situations that come your way. If you don’t, then you will become embroiled in situations with people who like being cantankerous and difficult, and who in many cases just love to get your goat or with people who simply have a different, but just as valid agenda as you do. The best way to do this is to become conscious, be compassionate and understanding; take the high road, enlist help and always where appropriate, always, take responsibility by looking directly and deeply at your own actions and how they may contribute to the problem. Once you begin to do this as a matter of course, many, if not all, of these difficult people and situations will begin to disappear or they will somehow pass you by.
Blessings, Lorraine
Blessings, Lorraine
Great advice! I like your focus on compassion. Most difficult people don't mean to be difficult (unless, as you say, they like conflict), and listening to them, hearing them, really can help. Finding just one small iota of truth in what they say can also make them go away...
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