I will be back in January with some new articles on living the Renaissance Way. Stay tuned!
Blessings, Lorraine
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
If You Want A Life Renaissance Then You Will Have to Change Your Methods
This blog is dedicated to the idea that those of us who are in our second act are being called to a life renaissance. What this means is that we are looking to live a transformed life from our first act; that instead of simply floating down the river enjoying the fruits of our first act labors or working diligently to hang on to them, we are actually making a transition into a new way of being and living. I call it a renaissance since this word means renewal, regeneration, reawakening, revitalization and rebirth, it does not mean doing the same things we have always done and expecting different results or expecting the results to bring us satisfaction in a second act way. Each stage of life offers its joys and challenges and no stage lasts forever. Many of the ideas and methods we used for success in our first act, will in many cases not bring what we actually want in terms of our new idea of success in our second act. What happens to us however is we get used to doing things in certain ways – tried and true ways. These are our habits and our methods for negotiating life. If something has worked for us in the past, most of us will not question it now, but that is exactly what we need to do if we want a true renaissance in our lives.
Recently I had this come home to me. I was doing some research to find an agent for my book and I heard about this one woman and looked her up on the Internet. She had a list of what she would expect from a non-fiction author she would consider representing. When I looked at this list I got a negative reaction and it took me a few days to figure out why. She said that in order for her to represent a non fiction author they would need to be doing from 30-60 speaking engagements a year, have a syndicated newspaper or magazine column, a connection to a major university, published articles, and established media contacts in both radio and television. As it turns out I have most of these and for those that I don’t – the speaking engagements – I don’t usually do that many - and the media contacts – I have a few but they need reestablishment – but I knew I could easily put these in place, I just needed to speed up my game and get out there, no problem; I’d done this before. But I was still disturbed looking at this list. At first I think it’s because I feel challenged by this or I wondered if there was some fear in there somewhere, you know the old fear of success. I considered that maybe I was somehow intimidated by this kind of expectation. So I mulled this over for about a week – I wrote in my journal and I talked to some close friends about it. Everyone told me they had no doubts about my ability to do this, including myself, but I still felt disturbed.
Then one morning I woke up and knew what it was – I DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT! This was a first act definition of success, not a second act one. The most negative item on her list was the 30-60 speaking engagements a year. Well, think about it, that ends up being close to two a week. If I did that then I would no doubt be traveling around the country as I would run of places to speak if I simply did them in Denver where I live. Having that kind of schedule and that kind of expectation and commitment to your work is what first act people do. I’m in my second act and I want a different life than that. Getting on airplanes and staying in hotels on a weekly basis is not my idea of the good life – it might be for a first act person and I did that kind of thing in my first act but that is not it for me now. And it’s not because I am too old to do it or too tired and worn out but because I’m too smart, too wise for that kind of grueling schedule. The life I want to lead is not made up of life in airports and hotel rooms. The life I want to lead is filled with enough free time that the muse shows up in both my writing and other creative projects, I want to help others by giving my gifts in ways that bare fruit, I want to be able to get out in nature every day, read and learn new things on an on-going basis and be with my friends and family regularly. I am not simply looking to make money, which is the message from this agent - which is fine but money, in and of itself, is not enough of a motivator to get me to do what she requires.
What I realized I was doing was using a first act person’s definition of success as a method for generating my own renaissance and that is a mistake. This by the way is a prevalent message in our culture – almost all advice you will find in books, the media and particularly on the Internet is directed at first act people. There is an assumption out there that we get this one act to be successful and all the methods and all the advice is for people in their first acts. The assumption is that everyone is either in their first act or are hanging on to the idea that they can stay there forever and continue to use the methods first act people use to be successful. The media tells us that life is a one-act play with any second act being a vacation from the first. Except for selling you products to make your second act financially secure, physically healthy and filled with recreational activities; there is very little out there about a second act done in a different way than the first act.
Recently I had this come home to me. I was doing some research to find an agent for my book and I heard about this one woman and looked her up on the Internet. She had a list of what she would expect from a non-fiction author she would consider representing. When I looked at this list I got a negative reaction and it took me a few days to figure out why. She said that in order for her to represent a non fiction author they would need to be doing from 30-60 speaking engagements a year, have a syndicated newspaper or magazine column, a connection to a major university, published articles, and established media contacts in both radio and television. As it turns out I have most of these and for those that I don’t – the speaking engagements – I don’t usually do that many - and the media contacts – I have a few but they need reestablishment – but I knew I could easily put these in place, I just needed to speed up my game and get out there, no problem; I’d done this before. But I was still disturbed looking at this list. At first I think it’s because I feel challenged by this or I wondered if there was some fear in there somewhere, you know the old fear of success. I considered that maybe I was somehow intimidated by this kind of expectation. So I mulled this over for about a week – I wrote in my journal and I talked to some close friends about it. Everyone told me they had no doubts about my ability to do this, including myself, but I still felt disturbed.
Then one morning I woke up and knew what it was – I DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT! This was a first act definition of success, not a second act one. The most negative item on her list was the 30-60 speaking engagements a year. Well, think about it, that ends up being close to two a week. If I did that then I would no doubt be traveling around the country as I would run of places to speak if I simply did them in Denver where I live. Having that kind of schedule and that kind of expectation and commitment to your work is what first act people do. I’m in my second act and I want a different life than that. Getting on airplanes and staying in hotels on a weekly basis is not my idea of the good life – it might be for a first act person and I did that kind of thing in my first act but that is not it for me now. And it’s not because I am too old to do it or too tired and worn out but because I’m too smart, too wise for that kind of grueling schedule. The life I want to lead is not made up of life in airports and hotel rooms. The life I want to lead is filled with enough free time that the muse shows up in both my writing and other creative projects, I want to help others by giving my gifts in ways that bare fruit, I want to be able to get out in nature every day, read and learn new things on an on-going basis and be with my friends and family regularly. I am not simply looking to make money, which is the message from this agent - which is fine but money, in and of itself, is not enough of a motivator to get me to do what she requires.
What I realized I was doing was using a first act person’s definition of success as a method for generating my own renaissance and that is a mistake. This by the way is a prevalent message in our culture – almost all advice you will find in books, the media and particularly on the Internet is directed at first act people. There is an assumption out there that we get this one act to be successful and all the methods and all the advice is for people in their first acts. The assumption is that everyone is either in their first act or are hanging on to the idea that they can stay there forever and continue to use the methods first act people use to be successful. The media tells us that life is a one-act play with any second act being a vacation from the first. Except for selling you products to make your second act financially secure, physically healthy and filled with recreational activities; there is very little out there about a second act done in a different way than the first act.
But, if like me, you are in your second act and would like a renaissance in your life then you will need to come up with some new definitions of success and some new methods to get you there. This new definition will not be a one size fits all definition. For me traveling weekly to give speeches is not my idea of a second act soul call, but it might be for you. If you think it is, I still ask you to make sure by examing it closely to make sure you are not simply using a first act definition. Below are some questions to ask yourself in helping you come up with your own guidelines for what constitutes success for you in your second act:
What brings you meaning and a sense of using your gifts on a daily basis?
Who or what would you want your gifts to serve?
What is your definition of success and do you need to re-think it?
What are you no longer willing to do to be conventionally successful?
What methods for success have you used in your first act that need to be re-examined now, given your current calling for your life?
I would love to hear from anyone who is at the point of wanting a renaissance and have grappled with these questions and come up with some new methods – we are indeed, all in this together and we need to help each other in amy way that we can. I’ll publish the best ideas so send them to me.
Blessings, Lorraine
What brings you meaning and a sense of using your gifts on a daily basis?
Who or what would you want your gifts to serve?
What is your definition of success and do you need to re-think it?
What are you no longer willing to do to be conventionally successful?
What methods for success have you used in your first act that need to be re-examined now, given your current calling for your life?
I would love to hear from anyone who is at the point of wanting a renaissance and have grappled with these questions and come up with some new methods – we are indeed, all in this together and we need to help each other in amy way that we can. I’ll publish the best ideas so send them to me.
Blessings, Lorraine
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Five Off Beat Ways to Beat the Winter Slugs
I don’t know about you but as soon as the time changes in the fall I experience what I call the winter slugs. I think I must be related to the bear family as all I want to do is hole at home and eat fatty, sugary foods and watch trashy TV shows or read escapist novels. My energy level plummets and I find myself getting grumpy and unmotivated to do what even a month before I was eager and energized to do.
Many years ago, I diagnosed myself as having Seasonal Affective Disorder and read up on how to prevent it or at least modify its affects. SAD as it is called, is caused by lack of direct sunlight in the proper amounts. Not everyone is afflicted but for those that are, it can be a real bummer. If you suffer from this syndrome then you will begin to notice a decrease in energy when the time changes and the days get shorter and there are more cloudy and overcast days. So I have a light source that I use every morning from early November until May – I sit with it directed at me while I write in my journal. I do a four mile walk everyday unless it’s raining or snowing, I keep all my window curtains open to the outside sunshine, I have my writing desk in front of a big window and I limit negative influences as much as humanly possible. I do this last because one of the affects of this syndrome is that once your energy gets low this creates a kind of blue mood and since negative thinking can increase any depressive feelings you might have, it’s important to make sure you don’t allow yourself to wallow in negative thoughts or allow negative people to come into your space, if at all possible.
Those are the basic ways to stem the tide of the winter slugs, but they only do so much and one day you wake up and that little creepy monster has his big sluggy paw right up against your eyes and everything looks dark and gloomy. It’s time to go for the weird stuff, the offbeat stuff, the, I never thought of that stuff. So here goes, below are five things that work for me:
Wear an outlandish hat – Make sure it is wild in some way – the color, the decorations on it or its design. Now wear it to work or wherever you happen to be going the day the big slug shows up. When people ask you about it tell them it’s a kind of ju ju against the winter slugs. If no one asks you, then ask them how they like your hat and in this way you can tell them why you are wearing it.
Many years ago, I diagnosed myself as having Seasonal Affective Disorder and read up on how to prevent it or at least modify its affects. SAD as it is called, is caused by lack of direct sunlight in the proper amounts. Not everyone is afflicted but for those that are, it can be a real bummer. If you suffer from this syndrome then you will begin to notice a decrease in energy when the time changes and the days get shorter and there are more cloudy and overcast days. So I have a light source that I use every morning from early November until May – I sit with it directed at me while I write in my journal. I do a four mile walk everyday unless it’s raining or snowing, I keep all my window curtains open to the outside sunshine, I have my writing desk in front of a big window and I limit negative influences as much as humanly possible. I do this last because one of the affects of this syndrome is that once your energy gets low this creates a kind of blue mood and since negative thinking can increase any depressive feelings you might have, it’s important to make sure you don’t allow yourself to wallow in negative thoughts or allow negative people to come into your space, if at all possible.
Those are the basic ways to stem the tide of the winter slugs, but they only do so much and one day you wake up and that little creepy monster has his big sluggy paw right up against your eyes and everything looks dark and gloomy. It’s time to go for the weird stuff, the offbeat stuff, the, I never thought of that stuff. So here goes, below are five things that work for me:
Wear an outlandish hat – Make sure it is wild in some way – the color, the decorations on it or its design. Now wear it to work or wherever you happen to be going the day the big slug shows up. When people ask you about it tell them it’s a kind of ju ju against the winter slugs. If no one asks you, then ask them how they like your hat and in this way you can tell them why you are wearing it.
Have a Saturday Night Fever Party - Rent Saturday Night Fever or the sound tract to it and invite all your friends over. Tell then to wear something from the 70's. If no one is available for this then have the party on your own. If you’re a woman put on a flouncy cocktail dress, and if you’re a man find your self something lounge lizardy to wear; now dance to every disco tune in that movie by yourself - it will lighen your mood and be good exercise at the same time.
Become a Kid Again - Go to a park with slides and rides – swing on the swings, slide down the slide and ride on the rides. Stay at least an hour so you can get your blood pumping by being a kid again – go alone or take a friend – a kid if you have one handy.
Take or Create a Show Tunes Dance Troup - Either take a class or create one yourself where you learn some jazz and modern dance routines. Then twice a year give a performance. Go to the Goodwill or the ARC store and buy some funky clothes to wear for your routines. Rent a Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers movie and copy thier routines.
Eat Some Weird Food - Go to Whole Foods or a Chinese or Japanese market that sells weird and unusual food and buy something you’ve never had before and that looks like something you really don’t think you want to eat but buy it anyway and cook it and eat it. Invite some friends over for a Weird Food potluck. Tell everyone to wear something outlandish too.
Although these things may not cure your winter slugs, they will, in most cases get you out and about and in a different frame of mind and who knows maybe one of them will be so much fun, you’ll start doing it on a regular basis just for the fun of it.
Blessings, Lorraine
Although these things may not cure your winter slugs, they will, in most cases get you out and about and in a different frame of mind and who knows maybe one of them will be so much fun, you’ll start doing it on a regular basis just for the fun of it.
Blessings, Lorraine
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Dealing With Challenging People – Some Things to Consider
No matter how evolved we may be or think we are, no matter how much personal growth work we’ve done or how high our emotional intelligence is, there will be times when someone comes along who challenges us and creates frustration, annoyance and a sense of being unable to solve this issue in a way that works, and does not create more conflict and turmoil. We’re all human and as such we can get caught up in conflict with others in the blink of an eye. As part of the journey toward self-actualization and answering our soul’s call, we will be tested in many ways, and dealing with difficult and challenging people is one of the tests we get along the way, and unlike some other tests, we may get it again and again until we become expert at recognizing it before it becomes a problem. The trick is not to eliminate the troublesome people from our lives; these kinds of people will always be there; but to figure how to deal with them without getting our buttons pushed and without having to limit our life in some way in order to avoid them.
It’s Both Personal and Not Personal
It’s Not Personal – We often hear that it’s best not to take things too personally, and this is almost always true in the sense that to take what someone else says about you, or who does things that irritate and frustrate you is almost always about them and not you. It’s who they are and what they are struggling with that instigates the behavior that is bugging you. Now occasionally someone will take you aside and tell you something about yourself that you’d prefer not to hear, but if this person is someone you respect and admire, and who you believe is telling you this in your best interest, then it seems logical in this case to take in the feedback and give it some serious thought. If you do not respect or value this person’s opinion, and you feel it is more about what this person wants from you than what is best for you, then it would be better to be honest and say you hear her or him, but you’re going to stick with your own ideas about whatever it is and simply agree to disagree.
It Is Personal – However, in reality, in many cases, it is personal in that the problem, the person, is in your life and you have to deal with them. You will need to do something in order to neutralize this person’s effect on you and your life. In some cases, this will be fairly easy – you can simply decide not to engage with them – you may walk away and end your association with this person. Not so fast, you say. What if this person works with me, is a close relative, a neighbor or in my social network or in a group I love and don’t want to walk away from, then what?
Evaluate the Costs and Benefits – When it comes to people you cannot simply walk away from, you must then evaluate the costs and the benefits of remaining involved with this person or the group in which they operate. If it is a work setting, then the cost of walking away might be your job; that would be too high a cost in most cases. If it is a family member, and to end your relationship with them would mean an elimination of the family connection or the creation of a convoluted one, then again this would be too high a cost.
Take the High Road and Become the Conscious One
In some cases, depending on the person, you may be able to talk with her or him and agree to disagree, as I said above, but in many cases, the fact that this person is a burr under your saddle blanket means that this really isn’t an option with her or him. If you could have simply talked to the person, you would have, and in many cases, have already tried and it didn’t work. Now you have to become the conscious one. What this means is you go into any encounter with this person knowing that a problem could occur with them. In a way, you could think of her or him as having a virus, and if you go into the person’s space you could be infected with this virus so you protect yourself by becoming conscious and aware. Most of the time we get blindsided by these kinds of people because we are going into situations with them expecting them to be different than they are. We act innocently, which is the same as being unconscious, and then get upset when the same thing that has happened before happens again. Here’s the thing, people who are difficult and contentious, often enjoy the conflict, or are so immature and narcissistic that they simply do not see this about themselves. But you do, and so you must be the one who prepares ahead of time for any encounter with them. This does put the burden on you, but you have already decided that it’s in your best interest to remain in this group, family or work setting, and so this is what you are doing to protect your own life and interests.
Taking the High Road – It’s also important to take the high road by not engaging in any conflict that occurs. What this may mean is that you actually say, “You know, I think we disagree on this so let’s change the subject”, or you simply say nothing. Remaining quiet is one of the most powerful things one can do to staunch the fire that is brewing, or is trying to be started by someone gunning for a fight or who thrives on controversy. By simply remaining silent and not engaging, someone else will usually either change the subject or bring in a new idea that will effectively eliminate the controversy.
Become Compassionate and Understanding – Another way to take the high road is to become compassionate and understanding toward the challenging person. Of course it is crucial that you do this with tact and diplomacy. If you do this in any way that suggests that you are being patronizing, then this will backfire. To say to someone that you see her or his point does not mean you agree with the point, but it can defuse the situation by leaving no room for a fight. You may also simply become more understanding of what drives this person. Many people who become this way are carrying some kind of chip on their shoulders, usually from a childhood wound. You might try finding out what this is and offer some kind of support or understanding. Maybe they grew up in a family where they never felt heard, or they had to fight to be heard. If you recognize this about them and then let them have their say, they might begin to tone themselves down and work within the confines of the group, rather than attempting to shout or demand their due at every opportunity.
Enlist the Help of Others But Be Cautious in This Regard – If you feel sure that others in the group feel the same way you do, and this feeling is not the result of gossip or being catty, then you might enlist their help in taking the high road with this person. Mainly what you would want to do is to get the others to agree not to engage in debates or controversy with this person, but to do this in a way that is not patronizing or condescending, but positive and affirming of this person and her or his role in the group. Remember, in most cases, this person has a role and a value to the group, or one can be found for this person, therefore to simply dismiss her or him out of hand, is unfair and harsh.
Seek Out a Professional for Coaching and or Mediation – I once worked with a mother and daughter who had gotten to a place where they were no longer speaking to each other. In working with them, I found that both had valid issues and concerns. The main thing I helped them see was this very thing; that each had her issues with the other and each needed to be heard by the other. Once we did this, they began to resolve their own problems and no longer needed a coach or mediator to show them the way. I also worked with a work team where things had gotten to a place of conflict and even shouting, but these people were invested in the project they were creating, and neither wanted to leave or quit and they both knew that even though they were frustrated and upset about the situation, each was, in reality a valued member of the team and neither really wanted the other to quit or be replaced. In this case, we worked on each person understanding and being compassionate about the other, and particularly understanding the different temperaments of each and how these could work together, but also how they could butt heads due to these differences. Once each felt heard, understood and accepted for who he was and what he brought to the table, the whole controversy was resolved and their project is now a well running operation and they look back on the conflict and laugh when some new issue comes up that has similar attributes. It's then that they remind themselves of what they learned and that they have been down this road before and now have the skills to solve any problems that occur on their own.
Check Out Your Own Narcissistic Behaviors – Any time you have a problem with someone else, the first place to look to see what is causing the problem is your own needs, desires and attitudes. We all have our own agendas and often forget to listen to and pay attention to what others want or need or we are so focused on what we want in a particular situation that we fail to factor in anyone else's needs but our own. So next time you have a problem with someone make sure it doesn't come from your own narcissistic desires rather than the fact that they are being difficult.
It’s Both Personal and Not Personal
It’s Not Personal – We often hear that it’s best not to take things too personally, and this is almost always true in the sense that to take what someone else says about you, or who does things that irritate and frustrate you is almost always about them and not you. It’s who they are and what they are struggling with that instigates the behavior that is bugging you. Now occasionally someone will take you aside and tell you something about yourself that you’d prefer not to hear, but if this person is someone you respect and admire, and who you believe is telling you this in your best interest, then it seems logical in this case to take in the feedback and give it some serious thought. If you do not respect or value this person’s opinion, and you feel it is more about what this person wants from you than what is best for you, then it would be better to be honest and say you hear her or him, but you’re going to stick with your own ideas about whatever it is and simply agree to disagree.
It Is Personal – However, in reality, in many cases, it is personal in that the problem, the person, is in your life and you have to deal with them. You will need to do something in order to neutralize this person’s effect on you and your life. In some cases, this will be fairly easy – you can simply decide not to engage with them – you may walk away and end your association with this person. Not so fast, you say. What if this person works with me, is a close relative, a neighbor or in my social network or in a group I love and don’t want to walk away from, then what?
Evaluate the Costs and Benefits – When it comes to people you cannot simply walk away from, you must then evaluate the costs and the benefits of remaining involved with this person or the group in which they operate. If it is a work setting, then the cost of walking away might be your job; that would be too high a cost in most cases. If it is a family member, and to end your relationship with them would mean an elimination of the family connection or the creation of a convoluted one, then again this would be too high a cost.
Take the High Road and Become the Conscious One
In some cases, depending on the person, you may be able to talk with her or him and agree to disagree, as I said above, but in many cases, the fact that this person is a burr under your saddle blanket means that this really isn’t an option with her or him. If you could have simply talked to the person, you would have, and in many cases, have already tried and it didn’t work. Now you have to become the conscious one. What this means is you go into any encounter with this person knowing that a problem could occur with them. In a way, you could think of her or him as having a virus, and if you go into the person’s space you could be infected with this virus so you protect yourself by becoming conscious and aware. Most of the time we get blindsided by these kinds of people because we are going into situations with them expecting them to be different than they are. We act innocently, which is the same as being unconscious, and then get upset when the same thing that has happened before happens again. Here’s the thing, people who are difficult and contentious, often enjoy the conflict, or are so immature and narcissistic that they simply do not see this about themselves. But you do, and so you must be the one who prepares ahead of time for any encounter with them. This does put the burden on you, but you have already decided that it’s in your best interest to remain in this group, family or work setting, and so this is what you are doing to protect your own life and interests.
Taking the High Road – It’s also important to take the high road by not engaging in any conflict that occurs. What this may mean is that you actually say, “You know, I think we disagree on this so let’s change the subject”, or you simply say nothing. Remaining quiet is one of the most powerful things one can do to staunch the fire that is brewing, or is trying to be started by someone gunning for a fight or who thrives on controversy. By simply remaining silent and not engaging, someone else will usually either change the subject or bring in a new idea that will effectively eliminate the controversy.
Become Compassionate and Understanding – Another way to take the high road is to become compassionate and understanding toward the challenging person. Of course it is crucial that you do this with tact and diplomacy. If you do this in any way that suggests that you are being patronizing, then this will backfire. To say to someone that you see her or his point does not mean you agree with the point, but it can defuse the situation by leaving no room for a fight. You may also simply become more understanding of what drives this person. Many people who become this way are carrying some kind of chip on their shoulders, usually from a childhood wound. You might try finding out what this is and offer some kind of support or understanding. Maybe they grew up in a family where they never felt heard, or they had to fight to be heard. If you recognize this about them and then let them have their say, they might begin to tone themselves down and work within the confines of the group, rather than attempting to shout or demand their due at every opportunity.
Enlist the Help of Others But Be Cautious in This Regard – If you feel sure that others in the group feel the same way you do, and this feeling is not the result of gossip or being catty, then you might enlist their help in taking the high road with this person. Mainly what you would want to do is to get the others to agree not to engage in debates or controversy with this person, but to do this in a way that is not patronizing or condescending, but positive and affirming of this person and her or his role in the group. Remember, in most cases, this person has a role and a value to the group, or one can be found for this person, therefore to simply dismiss her or him out of hand, is unfair and harsh.
Seek Out a Professional for Coaching and or Mediation – I once worked with a mother and daughter who had gotten to a place where they were no longer speaking to each other. In working with them, I found that both had valid issues and concerns. The main thing I helped them see was this very thing; that each had her issues with the other and each needed to be heard by the other. Once we did this, they began to resolve their own problems and no longer needed a coach or mediator to show them the way. I also worked with a work team where things had gotten to a place of conflict and even shouting, but these people were invested in the project they were creating, and neither wanted to leave or quit and they both knew that even though they were frustrated and upset about the situation, each was, in reality a valued member of the team and neither really wanted the other to quit or be replaced. In this case, we worked on each person understanding and being compassionate about the other, and particularly understanding the different temperaments of each and how these could work together, but also how they could butt heads due to these differences. Once each felt heard, understood and accepted for who he was and what he brought to the table, the whole controversy was resolved and their project is now a well running operation and they look back on the conflict and laugh when some new issue comes up that has similar attributes. It's then that they remind themselves of what they learned and that they have been down this road before and now have the skills to solve any problems that occur on their own.
Check Out Your Own Narcissistic Behaviors – Any time you have a problem with someone else, the first place to look to see what is causing the problem is your own needs, desires and attitudes. We all have our own agendas and often forget to listen to and pay attention to what others want or need or we are so focused on what we want in a particular situation that we fail to factor in anyone else's needs but our own. So next time you have a problem with someone make sure it doesn't come from your own narcissistic desires rather than the fact that they are being difficult.
If you find yourself involved in a difficult situation with someone, take a look at the ideas presented here, and see if one of them can help you solve or resolve the issue with this person. The truth is that if you want to be a self- actualizing person; a person who is evolving and learning how to be in the world in your best and most authentic way, then to take full responsibility for your own actions and reactions is the only way to go, and this includes how to deal with all the various people and situations that come your way. If you don’t, then you will become embroiled in situations with people who like being cantankerous and difficult, and who in many cases just love to get your goat or with people who simply have a different, but just as valid agenda as you do. The best way to do this is to become conscious, be compassionate and understanding; take the high road, enlist help and always where appropriate, always, take responsibility by looking directly and deeply at your own actions and how they may contribute to the problem. Once you begin to do this as a matter of course, many, if not all, of these difficult people and situations will begin to disappear or they will somehow pass you by.
Blessings, Lorraine
Blessings, Lorraine
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Put a little Magic in Your Everyday Life
5 Ways to Invoke Magic Now!
I believe in magic! For a long time now, I have had this little hand-crafted sign over my desk that says exactly that. It keeps me on the path, it keeps me feeling positive and uplifted, it’s a ray of sunshine even on the dreariest of days and it reminds me to have heart even in the midst of life’s most difficult challenges. Without magic, life would get pretty dull and tedious. Without a bit of magic to our days, we might find ourselves wondering if the whole thing is worth it. But magic is available to all of us and I have five ideas to help put some magic in your life and your days. I just finished a walk in the gorgeous Colorado outdoors and saw much to make me smile. The fall colors, the sun and blue skies - this is indeed a day to celebrate the magic of life because magic is everywhere we look. It’s also inside us when we think positive and uplifting thoughts and then take action based on those thoughts. Magic also comes when we reach out to others and give a helping hand or simply act as a change agent by expressing and modeling optimism and faith.
By the way, I am not talking about the magic of a Las Vegas type magic show, although that can be fun and exciting to watch. Nor am I referring to magical thinking that relies on fantasy to keep it going. That kind of thinking is based on denial of reality, not the changing of reality by your thoughts, deeds and beliefs. That kind of magic may work in the short run, for a while, but is rarely, if ever a lasting and successful way to engage with life. The kind of magic I speak of is made out of the ordinary by seeing magic in who you are, what you see outside your window, what you do with your time and energy and what you choose to believe about life. In that regard, I have developed five simple ways to help you to invoke some magic into your every day life.
1. The magic of self worth – Self worth is an inside job. If I believe/think I am worth something, then I am. That is the magic of it. One way to get to this magical place, if you are not there already, is to think about the idea that we are all born worthy – it is our birthright. What I know is we are all worthy of love, happiness and life success. If you are not successful, whether this is financial or relationship success, then simply begin with the idea; the magical idea; that you too are worthy and go from there.
I believe in magic! For a long time now, I have had this little hand-crafted sign over my desk that says exactly that. It keeps me on the path, it keeps me feeling positive and uplifted, it’s a ray of sunshine even on the dreariest of days and it reminds me to have heart even in the midst of life’s most difficult challenges. Without magic, life would get pretty dull and tedious. Without a bit of magic to our days, we might find ourselves wondering if the whole thing is worth it. But magic is available to all of us and I have five ideas to help put some magic in your life and your days. I just finished a walk in the gorgeous Colorado outdoors and saw much to make me smile. The fall colors, the sun and blue skies - this is indeed a day to celebrate the magic of life because magic is everywhere we look. It’s also inside us when we think positive and uplifting thoughts and then take action based on those thoughts. Magic also comes when we reach out to others and give a helping hand or simply act as a change agent by expressing and modeling optimism and faith.
By the way, I am not talking about the magic of a Las Vegas type magic show, although that can be fun and exciting to watch. Nor am I referring to magical thinking that relies on fantasy to keep it going. That kind of thinking is based on denial of reality, not the changing of reality by your thoughts, deeds and beliefs. That kind of magic may work in the short run, for a while, but is rarely, if ever a lasting and successful way to engage with life. The kind of magic I speak of is made out of the ordinary by seeing magic in who you are, what you see outside your window, what you do with your time and energy and what you choose to believe about life. In that regard, I have developed five simple ways to help you to invoke some magic into your every day life.
1. The magic of self worth – Self worth is an inside job. If I believe/think I am worth something, then I am. That is the magic of it. One way to get to this magical place, if you are not there already, is to think about the idea that we are all born worthy – it is our birthright. What I know is we are all worthy of love, happiness and life success. If you are not successful, whether this is financial or relationship success, then simply begin with the idea; the magical idea; that you too are worthy and go from there.
2. The magic of taking action – Life rewards action – that’s another little sign I have in my writing studio. If I want magic in my life, then I have to do something to make it happen. Magic can come from others of course, but if I want a change in my life then it’s going to be up to me to do something. Waiting and expecting others to do it for us has a low success rate – it happens but I would not count on it. Let’s say you have had trouble in the past with the idea of being worthy. In spite of the fact that we are all born worthy, if you truly want to feel that on a daily basis, then you need to do something of value and contribute it to the world. We are born worthy, that’s for sure, but it will be hard to maintain that thought about ourselves if we sit on our butts all day waiting for the world to pronounce us so. The less we do, the less we will feel worthy, that is a psychological fact of life. Therefore, if you want to increase your sense of self worth then take action to increase it. That’s all there is to it, except now give yourself credit for what action you took and then tomorrow take some more action. See what magic shows up in your life.
3. The magic of doing what you love – When we do what we love, life feels magical – it just does. I love to write, and when I do, I feel the magic of the right words simply flowing out of me. I know people who love to edit other people’s words, and when they find a little mistake, or misplaced comma or other grammatical problem, they fix it with glee. I know people who love to sing, to dance, to sew, to cook, to play a musical instrument, to organize things, to do analysis, to keep things in order, to do bookkeeping, to teach a child or an adult something, to help people with problems, to garden, design things, to use a computer – you name it and there is someone who loves to do that very thing. So find the thing you love to do and begin doing it today, even if you have to do it after work, or when all your other obligations are finished for the day, but just find the time to do what you love and watch the magic flow into your life.
4. The magic of setting your own price – This is an interesting one as it is related to self worth but is further along the way. You may feel like you have lots of self worth, but still be selling yourself short in lots of different ways. When I say set your own price, I mean that you need to decide how you will use your time and energy. Let’s begin with your work. I read one time that the marketplace will not set your price higher than you set it for yourself. Before I got my master's I worked for a big corporation where my job was to supervise a department. On the other side of the hall was another department. This was a bigger department than mine, but the work was simpler. The manager of the other department and I would often go to lunch together. One day he happened to mention his salary in an off hand way. My mouth fell open. He was making a good 20% more than I was. In spite of the fact that my department did more complex work, I was ten years older and had years more experience, I was making less money than him. I asked him how this happened and he said, “That’s what I asked for.” He set his price higher than I did and he got it! I accepted what they offered me. Big lesson – now I figure out in advance what my price is and I ask for it. But you can also sell yourself short in relationships as well by doing more and accommodating more – this, then, is the price you set for your participation in a relationship. If you want to bring some magic in your work life and in your relationships, then set a higher price and ask for it! If the job or the relationship won’t pay your price, then look around, and you will find those who will – Ask and ye shall receive, as the Bible says. Ask for what you want and don’t accept less – that in itself will bring some magic into your life.
5. The magic of savoring and appreciation – Savoring is when we take in the world around us in a focused and appreciative way, and just let it sink in and flow around us. The beauty of a colorful fall day, like today, reminds me to pause in appreciation and savor what is readily available to me right outside my window. When you have dinner tonight, savor the delicious morsels of food and don’t rush through it. If you decide to have a little dish of ice cream, then let each bite linger just a little on your tongue and in your mouth. Savoring has a bit of Zen in it because it’s about the simplicity of everyday things but it's also about the awe and wonder of it all. By being mindful and in tune with the small as well as big things around you, life will take on a magical quality for you and what could be more magical then that?
Send Me Your Magical Ideas
These are just a few ideas I had while contemplating the wonder of my own life and work, but of course there are many other ways of invoking magic in your life – what about you? Do you have ideas or things you have tried that felt like magic to you - one’s that have changed either the circumstances of your life or your felt experience of it? Let me know. I will publish the best ones here on my blog. Email your ideas to me at lorrainebanfield@msn.com .
Blessings, Lorraine
3. The magic of doing what you love – When we do what we love, life feels magical – it just does. I love to write, and when I do, I feel the magic of the right words simply flowing out of me. I know people who love to edit other people’s words, and when they find a little mistake, or misplaced comma or other grammatical problem, they fix it with glee. I know people who love to sing, to dance, to sew, to cook, to play a musical instrument, to organize things, to do analysis, to keep things in order, to do bookkeeping, to teach a child or an adult something, to help people with problems, to garden, design things, to use a computer – you name it and there is someone who loves to do that very thing. So find the thing you love to do and begin doing it today, even if you have to do it after work, or when all your other obligations are finished for the day, but just find the time to do what you love and watch the magic flow into your life.
4. The magic of setting your own price – This is an interesting one as it is related to self worth but is further along the way. You may feel like you have lots of self worth, but still be selling yourself short in lots of different ways. When I say set your own price, I mean that you need to decide how you will use your time and energy. Let’s begin with your work. I read one time that the marketplace will not set your price higher than you set it for yourself. Before I got my master's I worked for a big corporation where my job was to supervise a department. On the other side of the hall was another department. This was a bigger department than mine, but the work was simpler. The manager of the other department and I would often go to lunch together. One day he happened to mention his salary in an off hand way. My mouth fell open. He was making a good 20% more than I was. In spite of the fact that my department did more complex work, I was ten years older and had years more experience, I was making less money than him. I asked him how this happened and he said, “That’s what I asked for.” He set his price higher than I did and he got it! I accepted what they offered me. Big lesson – now I figure out in advance what my price is and I ask for it. But you can also sell yourself short in relationships as well by doing more and accommodating more – this, then, is the price you set for your participation in a relationship. If you want to bring some magic in your work life and in your relationships, then set a higher price and ask for it! If the job or the relationship won’t pay your price, then look around, and you will find those who will – Ask and ye shall receive, as the Bible says. Ask for what you want and don’t accept less – that in itself will bring some magic into your life.
5. The magic of savoring and appreciation – Savoring is when we take in the world around us in a focused and appreciative way, and just let it sink in and flow around us. The beauty of a colorful fall day, like today, reminds me to pause in appreciation and savor what is readily available to me right outside my window. When you have dinner tonight, savor the delicious morsels of food and don’t rush through it. If you decide to have a little dish of ice cream, then let each bite linger just a little on your tongue and in your mouth. Savoring has a bit of Zen in it because it’s about the simplicity of everyday things but it's also about the awe and wonder of it all. By being mindful and in tune with the small as well as big things around you, life will take on a magical quality for you and what could be more magical then that?
Send Me Your Magical Ideas
These are just a few ideas I had while contemplating the wonder of my own life and work, but of course there are many other ways of invoking magic in your life – what about you? Do you have ideas or things you have tried that felt like magic to you - one’s that have changed either the circumstances of your life or your felt experience of it? Let me know. I will publish the best ones here on my blog. Email your ideas to me at lorrainebanfield@msn.com .
Blessings, Lorraine
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Money and Your Soul’s Call
At midlife and beyond we get a chance for a second act, but some of us don’t recognize this possibility and instead decide, so to speak, to go into syndication and re-run our first act over and over again. We may get all kinds of monetary residuals from this, but on a psychological and soul level this is like watching the same Seinfeld episode every night for the rest of your life. Or maybe what you decide is that it’s okay to be in re-runs for the time being as your real goal in life is to take all that money you've been putting in those IRAs, 401K’s and other investments in your retirement account and retire and go on a perpetual vacation. But even Jerry Seinfeld is not satisfied with that even though he made a killing on his show and continues to rake in the cash with all the re-runs that can be seen almost every day of the year. He just won’t go off into the sunset, but instead keeps showing up on Letterman or Oprah or even, Lord help us, on some show called The Marriage Ref where he and a panel of other celebrities act as marriage counselors to some poor couple they attempt to help but in truth only do it for the laughs.
But Jerry Seinfeld is really listening to and answering his soul’s call, which is to make people laugh. It’s what he does, it’s who he is and the money is simply what he gets when he does his soul’s bidding. What Seinfeld’s life proves is that our soul’s don’t call us to make money. Our soul’s call us to do our thing, our unique and particular thing. Now, in many cases we will actually make some money at using the talents and gifts that come from our souls call, but there is no guarantee of this. Depending on the type of soul call and your individual drive and circumstances you may or may not be able to make a living with your soul's call, in some cases, like Seinfeld, a really good living, but making money, in and of itself, is not a soul call. But this is a bill of goods we have been sold by our culture and the media in particular.
Now a hundred years ago when many people in this country struggled just to make ends meet and even now in third world countries and other places across the globe, where people are so poverty stricken and so held back by repressive and corrupt governments and political systems that they really don’t have the luxury of thinking about what their soul might call them to do. In those cases their soul is calling them to survive and that’s about it, but for those of us in the western world this is not the case.
We have been given, by virtue of where we live, the opportunity to listen to our soul and act on its call. This is particularly true in our second act as this is a time when we have most likely met our family obligations or are getting close to it. In addition, we in the west have been granted through technology and science and our own actions toward living healthy lives, another twenty or thirty years longer, on average, than our parents' generation. We have the time, we have the health and we have the money to do more than just go off on a perpetual vacation. Oh, vacations are nice, but just as Seinfeld has shown by his continuing to show up doing comedy, a continuous vacation gets old after awhile.
As it turns out, if we are listening, our soul has more in mind for us than that. But, let's talk a little more about money since so much of what we see and are told by the media, this should be our goal, to be as rich as Seinfeld and then we could retire and never be heard from again, except maybe by post card from some exotic place. But money is indeed no soul call. If it were, then all the celebrities, socialites and other wealthy people in this country would be really, really happy, satisfied just spending their money and having a good old time of it and people would respect them for it. But no one wins the Nobel Prize for being rich or given the Medal of Honor for having a large bank account. These things are reserved for people who make a contribution to something beyond their own personal desires and good times. Of course, you don't have to win any prizes to be answering your soul's call, but neither will you win one if you die with the most toys, to use an idea that I have seen as model for the good life.
The idea of money as motivator and life goal is so pervasive in our culture that it's hard to go a day without being bombarded with this idea everywhere we look. The message being presented to us is that money equals the good life, the best life, the one we should aspire to live. Of course, this is the idea the media is trying to sell us. Look at all the reality shows based on looking in on the life of wealthy people. But if you look closely at these shows you will find that the real draw is the drama, not the lavish living they do. If the show Keeping Up With the Kardashians didn’t have conflict, arguments, disagreements and just plain family dysfunction, no one would watch it. Who wants to watch people play and have a good time. It’s fun for us to actually play and have a good time ourselves, but watching other people do it on the television would be boring. It would also be boring to watch people work or create something, regardless of how meaningful or how soulful that thing might be, unless the show also presents drama and cat fighting. Also to have a show where people are doing their soul's call, would in most cases not translate as good TV. But actually doing work and creating something meaningful, that is, in service to the greater good, is what our soul’s call us to do and it is what makes us feel good about ourselves.
Shows like KUWTK do not portray this at all. Oh, they show the girls and the mom talking about their various money-making enterprises but these are all based on selling their celebrity status in one form or another. There is never any talk on that show about making a contribution to anything other than their own bank accounts. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not condemning them, it’s their life, they have the right to do as they please and the networks have a right to produce whatever shows the public will watch – it is as they say, a free country and this one of the things that makes living in America great, but, when we as the audience not only accept this form fntertainment but actually make it successful by watching it, we are contributing, not to the greater good but to something insidious and detrimental to our lives, particularly if we aspire to or long for the money and lifestyle of the Kardashians as our main goal in life.
When we as a culture admire, look up to and revere the rich and famous, particularly the ones who do it for the money, we are pandering to something that is not in the best interests of our own lives. When we treat money and wealth as some kind of God to worship and use as a milestone for the good life, we are missing the profound message of our own souls. This is especially true at midlife and beyond, when we are given the opportunity to stop and regroup and think about what we will do with the second half of our lives. It's at this time that we need to move away from this idea and move toward a more soulful way of living. The first step in doing this is to turn off the television, the Internet, your iPod and all the other electronic devices that keep you plugged in but disconnected from your own soul and the second is to see what your soul might be trying to tell you. Isn’t it time you stopped and got quiet and listened? I think you’ll be surprised and gratified by what you hear.
Nest Week I will write about some of the challenges money presents to us in answering our soul's call and in life in general. Stayed tuned.
Blessings, Lorraine
But Jerry Seinfeld is really listening to and answering his soul’s call, which is to make people laugh. It’s what he does, it’s who he is and the money is simply what he gets when he does his soul’s bidding. What Seinfeld’s life proves is that our soul’s don’t call us to make money. Our soul’s call us to do our thing, our unique and particular thing. Now, in many cases we will actually make some money at using the talents and gifts that come from our souls call, but there is no guarantee of this. Depending on the type of soul call and your individual drive and circumstances you may or may not be able to make a living with your soul's call, in some cases, like Seinfeld, a really good living, but making money, in and of itself, is not a soul call. But this is a bill of goods we have been sold by our culture and the media in particular.
Now a hundred years ago when many people in this country struggled just to make ends meet and even now in third world countries and other places across the globe, where people are so poverty stricken and so held back by repressive and corrupt governments and political systems that they really don’t have the luxury of thinking about what their soul might call them to do. In those cases their soul is calling them to survive and that’s about it, but for those of us in the western world this is not the case.
We have been given, by virtue of where we live, the opportunity to listen to our soul and act on its call. This is particularly true in our second act as this is a time when we have most likely met our family obligations or are getting close to it. In addition, we in the west have been granted through technology and science and our own actions toward living healthy lives, another twenty or thirty years longer, on average, than our parents' generation. We have the time, we have the health and we have the money to do more than just go off on a perpetual vacation. Oh, vacations are nice, but just as Seinfeld has shown by his continuing to show up doing comedy, a continuous vacation gets old after awhile.
As it turns out, if we are listening, our soul has more in mind for us than that. But, let's talk a little more about money since so much of what we see and are told by the media, this should be our goal, to be as rich as Seinfeld and then we could retire and never be heard from again, except maybe by post card from some exotic place. But money is indeed no soul call. If it were, then all the celebrities, socialites and other wealthy people in this country would be really, really happy, satisfied just spending their money and having a good old time of it and people would respect them for it. But no one wins the Nobel Prize for being rich or given the Medal of Honor for having a large bank account. These things are reserved for people who make a contribution to something beyond their own personal desires and good times. Of course, you don't have to win any prizes to be answering your soul's call, but neither will you win one if you die with the most toys, to use an idea that I have seen as model for the good life.
The idea of money as motivator and life goal is so pervasive in our culture that it's hard to go a day without being bombarded with this idea everywhere we look. The message being presented to us is that money equals the good life, the best life, the one we should aspire to live. Of course, this is the idea the media is trying to sell us. Look at all the reality shows based on looking in on the life of wealthy people. But if you look closely at these shows you will find that the real draw is the drama, not the lavish living they do. If the show Keeping Up With the Kardashians didn’t have conflict, arguments, disagreements and just plain family dysfunction, no one would watch it. Who wants to watch people play and have a good time. It’s fun for us to actually play and have a good time ourselves, but watching other people do it on the television would be boring. It would also be boring to watch people work or create something, regardless of how meaningful or how soulful that thing might be, unless the show also presents drama and cat fighting. Also to have a show where people are doing their soul's call, would in most cases not translate as good TV. But actually doing work and creating something meaningful, that is, in service to the greater good, is what our soul’s call us to do and it is what makes us feel good about ourselves.
Shows like KUWTK do not portray this at all. Oh, they show the girls and the mom talking about their various money-making enterprises but these are all based on selling their celebrity status in one form or another. There is never any talk on that show about making a contribution to anything other than their own bank accounts. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not condemning them, it’s their life, they have the right to do as they please and the networks have a right to produce whatever shows the public will watch – it is as they say, a free country and this one of the things that makes living in America great, but, when we as the audience not only accept this form fntertainment but actually make it successful by watching it, we are contributing, not to the greater good but to something insidious and detrimental to our lives, particularly if we aspire to or long for the money and lifestyle of the Kardashians as our main goal in life.
When we as a culture admire, look up to and revere the rich and famous, particularly the ones who do it for the money, we are pandering to something that is not in the best interests of our own lives. When we treat money and wealth as some kind of God to worship and use as a milestone for the good life, we are missing the profound message of our own souls. This is especially true at midlife and beyond, when we are given the opportunity to stop and regroup and think about what we will do with the second half of our lives. It's at this time that we need to move away from this idea and move toward a more soulful way of living. The first step in doing this is to turn off the television, the Internet, your iPod and all the other electronic devices that keep you plugged in but disconnected from your own soul and the second is to see what your soul might be trying to tell you. Isn’t it time you stopped and got quiet and listened? I think you’ll be surprised and gratified by what you hear.
Nest Week I will write about some of the challenges money presents to us in answering our soul's call and in life in general. Stayed tuned.
Blessings, Lorraine
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Are You An Artful Dodger?
In Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens, there is this character known as the Artful Dodger. He is a pickpocket and a charmer but he is also unwilling to take responsibility for his actions. He uses everything in the book to dodge paying the piper. Of course in the end he pays dearly. I believe everyone has a bit of the Artful Dodger in them and in fact, in the right quantity and in the proper situations this is exactly what is needed. Tact and diplomacy require the act of dodging certain issues and subjects. Good manners as well would be nothing if we did not on occasion dodge a topic or two or turn our heads the other way. This is the fine art of dodging but it does not make one a true Artful Dodger. For that you have to move over into the realm of personal irresponsibility and even here it depends on how often and to what ends you apply the skill of artful dodging. Let me give you some examples.
Artful Dodging using Charm, Humor and Convoluted Logic
I knew a woman once who had a boyfriend who wanted everyone to like him and so he would say yes to any request for his time. He had a job as an administrator for a large organization and so he had plenty of people wanting him to do things for them. He would then try to balance what appeared to be about a hundred different balls all in the air at same time. Of course he could not really balance all these and eventually one and sometimes more than one, would fall crashing to the floor. Most of the time, this ball had something to do with his girlfriend, usually a date he had with her or a promise to do something for her. He he apologize all over the place and would use humor, charm and logic to get her to see that letting her down really wasn’t his fault and couldn’t she see how sorry he was. This worked for about six months and then she began to notice that he did this in other areas of his life as well. In fact, what she noticed was that he was a pretty slippery character. What she saw was him trying to have his cake and eat it too but this simply did not work for her. She decided to end it with him before too much resentment and dashed hopes got the best of her.
Artful Dodging using Blame, Anger and Shopping for Supporters
In another situation, I had a client who came to me because she was having trouble in her life with her kids, her ex husband and her work. It seemed that she was getting a raw deal from everyone. After working with her for a few months I realized that she was a blaming, controlling person who wanted to call all the shots in her life including what others did or did not do. When the people in her life didn’t go along with her program she made them the enemy. I pointed this out to her but she resisted me first by getting angry, then bringing up the wrongs others had done to her, and finally by searching out new theories and programs and discussing these in our sessions rather than focusing on her on self as the responsible party. Eventually she found another therapist who was more accepting of to her blame and victim stance.
Artful Dodging using Venting Where Safe, Sensitivity/Tears and Innocence
This is typically a female way of being an Artful Dodger. I knew a woman once who was married to a man who drank and went into vengeful rages on a regular basis. He was a good provider according to her – of course he provided more than she bargained for - and never actually resorted to violence but he made her life miserable. What she would do is vent to her girlfriends about him, use tears with him to try and get him to stop raging and she would then act innocent when anyone asked her what she was going to do about him.
Artful Dodging using Manners, Grand Gestures and Self Righteousness
Many artful dodgers use grand gestures, manners and acting self righteous to get what they want in life and to avoid responsibility. The husband of the woman in the last story was the king of this kind of thing. In fact, the most common reason for her to act innocent with her friends was when he had made one of his grand gestures such as buying her a brand new car and putting a giant pink ribbon on it so all the neighbors would see. Or he would send two dozen roses to her office so her co-workers would know what a wonderful husband he was. He would suggest they have a party and he would be the most gracious host possible to everyone. If she complained to him about him being flirtatious with the women he would act self righteous and indignant and tell her he was only being a good host.
Being an artful dodger is about avoiding responsibility and letting others take the blame or simply not being willing to own up to your part in things. So think about yourself and if you find yourself in any of these examples, then it’s time to sit down in a quiet place take a long and hard look at yourself and begin to take action to change. If you are involved with an Artful dodger then you may have to make a decision about this person like the woman who broke up with the man who was a people pleaser who tried to please too many at once and failed to please her. If you are married to one, then you may need to seek counseling in order for this person to see what they are doing. It's also true that no one is ever totally in the wrong in a relationship and so if you do seek counseling be willing to see your part in the dance with the artful dodger. The woman who was the recipient of the grand gestures had a hard time giving up this special treatment, She had to admit to their couple's counselor that she enjoyed it when he bragged on her in public and bought her lavish gifts. Not until the counselor encouraged her to look at what she was doing and the bargain she had made with him, did she begin to change. He realized too that there were personal other reasons for the raging that had noting to do with his wife and he began to work on these and a more healthy relationship developed between them.
So, think about it - are you an artful dodger or do you live with one and what's in it for you to continue your ways? What are you willing to do to be a more authentic and psychologically healthy individual? You may get what you want in the short run, but this kind of behavior won’t see you through life with honor, integrity and maturity – the key attributes of a truly healthy and whole individual.
Blessings, Lorraine
Artful Dodging using Charm, Humor and Convoluted Logic
I knew a woman once who had a boyfriend who wanted everyone to like him and so he would say yes to any request for his time. He had a job as an administrator for a large organization and so he had plenty of people wanting him to do things for them. He would then try to balance what appeared to be about a hundred different balls all in the air at same time. Of course he could not really balance all these and eventually one and sometimes more than one, would fall crashing to the floor. Most of the time, this ball had something to do with his girlfriend, usually a date he had with her or a promise to do something for her. He he apologize all over the place and would use humor, charm and logic to get her to see that letting her down really wasn’t his fault and couldn’t she see how sorry he was. This worked for about six months and then she began to notice that he did this in other areas of his life as well. In fact, what she noticed was that he was a pretty slippery character. What she saw was him trying to have his cake and eat it too but this simply did not work for her. She decided to end it with him before too much resentment and dashed hopes got the best of her.
Artful Dodging using Blame, Anger and Shopping for Supporters
In another situation, I had a client who came to me because she was having trouble in her life with her kids, her ex husband and her work. It seemed that she was getting a raw deal from everyone. After working with her for a few months I realized that she was a blaming, controlling person who wanted to call all the shots in her life including what others did or did not do. When the people in her life didn’t go along with her program she made them the enemy. I pointed this out to her but she resisted me first by getting angry, then bringing up the wrongs others had done to her, and finally by searching out new theories and programs and discussing these in our sessions rather than focusing on her on self as the responsible party. Eventually she found another therapist who was more accepting of to her blame and victim stance.
Artful Dodging using Venting Where Safe, Sensitivity/Tears and Innocence
This is typically a female way of being an Artful Dodger. I knew a woman once who was married to a man who drank and went into vengeful rages on a regular basis. He was a good provider according to her – of course he provided more than she bargained for - and never actually resorted to violence but he made her life miserable. What she would do is vent to her girlfriends about him, use tears with him to try and get him to stop raging and she would then act innocent when anyone asked her what she was going to do about him.
Artful Dodging using Manners, Grand Gestures and Self Righteousness
Many artful dodgers use grand gestures, manners and acting self righteous to get what they want in life and to avoid responsibility. The husband of the woman in the last story was the king of this kind of thing. In fact, the most common reason for her to act innocent with her friends was when he had made one of his grand gestures such as buying her a brand new car and putting a giant pink ribbon on it so all the neighbors would see. Or he would send two dozen roses to her office so her co-workers would know what a wonderful husband he was. He would suggest they have a party and he would be the most gracious host possible to everyone. If she complained to him about him being flirtatious with the women he would act self righteous and indignant and tell her he was only being a good host.
Being an artful dodger is about avoiding responsibility and letting others take the blame or simply not being willing to own up to your part in things. So think about yourself and if you find yourself in any of these examples, then it’s time to sit down in a quiet place take a long and hard look at yourself and begin to take action to change. If you are involved with an Artful dodger then you may have to make a decision about this person like the woman who broke up with the man who was a people pleaser who tried to please too many at once and failed to please her. If you are married to one, then you may need to seek counseling in order for this person to see what they are doing. It's also true that no one is ever totally in the wrong in a relationship and so if you do seek counseling be willing to see your part in the dance with the artful dodger. The woman who was the recipient of the grand gestures had a hard time giving up this special treatment, She had to admit to their couple's counselor that she enjoyed it when he bragged on her in public and bought her lavish gifts. Not until the counselor encouraged her to look at what she was doing and the bargain she had made with him, did she begin to change. He realized too that there were personal other reasons for the raging that had noting to do with his wife and he began to work on these and a more healthy relationship developed between them.
So, think about it - are you an artful dodger or do you live with one and what's in it for you to continue your ways? What are you willing to do to be a more authentic and psychologically healthy individual? You may get what you want in the short run, but this kind of behavior won’t see you through life with honor, integrity and maturity – the key attributes of a truly healthy and whole individual.
Blessings, Lorraine
Friday, September 23, 2011
The Sacred Connection Between Creativity and Your Soul
One of the most profound ways of knowing that you are in contact with your soul is through the act of creating something beautiful whether this is tangible like a flower arrangement or intangible like a loving relationship. This is why when we see a pregnant woman most of us feel a kind of reverence for her – we know that she is in a sacred state of creation. There is an aura around her that encourages a kind of amazement. She is living a soulful, spiritual and creative experience. When we see a great work of art such as Michael Angelo’s, David, most of us feel a sense of soul within that work too. When I watched the Opening Ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics I felt the hearts and souls of the thousands it took to put on that showcase of Chinese ingenuity. The creativity was awe-inspiring and I felt the collective soul of the Chinese people that night watching it
Now we don’t have to create an Olympic Opening Ceremony or sculpt a David or even have a baby to be creative and in touch with our souls. Everyone is creative by nature and with a little nurture can be even more so. Most of us are a lot more creative than we give ourselves credit for and therefore a lot more in touch with our souls than we may think. The act of creation is all around us – new ideas, new ways of doing things and new solutions to old problems are happening at the speed of light. Look around you and take note of all the creations you see. Then take a look at your own life and take note of your own creations.
Any time you take raw materials, whether they are tangible or intangible, and make something new, you are being creative. Any time you solve a problem in a new way, you are being creative. Any time you plan an event and see it through to completion you are being creative. Anytime you change the way you think of something or someone and you have a different response, you are being creative. Any time you choose to do something you have not done before, you are being creative. Any time you take a risk, or choose to learn something new, you are being creative. And of course any time you create something of beauty such as a work of art, a piece of prose or poetry, a lovely decorated room, a delicious meal, a craft, or you design or build a new home or building, plant a garden or any number things, you are being creative.
If you would like to have more beauty in your life and be more creative – to access the creative aspect of your soul in a more conscious, more nurturing and direct way try one or all seven of the idea below:
1. Start a Creativity/Beauty Journal – Every night before you go to sleep write down at least five things you saw or felt that day that were beautiful or creative.
2. Take yourself on a Beauty Date - a specific time once a week where you go alone to see and experience something you consider beautiful and has the potential to ignite your creative soul. For example, go for a walk in a park or walking trail and notice what you see. Find at least ten things on your walk that are beautiful – then when you get home write them in your Beauty Journal. Or go to an art supply store or a craft store and look at all the potential creative project and buy the materials to start one.
3. Ask yourself before you begin a new project, even housework or some other ordinary task, "How I bring beauty or creativity to this endeavor?"
4. Use creativity and the idea of beauty to solve the everyday problems that occur in your life – ask yourself “How could I solve this problem in a creative way?”
5. Commit to doing one new creative thing or trying something new once a week for a year – Keep a page in your Creativity/Beauty Journal to list what you did – review at the end of the year.
6. Begin to use creativity when dealing with your relationships – whether children, spouses, friend or co-workers – ask yourself – "How could I use creativity to make this situation come out better and more positively?"
7. Have a time at dinner every night to ask each member of your family – "How were you creative today? "
Remember, we are all creative by nature and we all love beauty. All we need to do to increase the creativity and beauty in our lives is to be open and pay attention to our soul urges – once we do, all kinds of glorious, beautiful and creative things will begin to happen.
Blessings, Lorraine
Now we don’t have to create an Olympic Opening Ceremony or sculpt a David or even have a baby to be creative and in touch with our souls. Everyone is creative by nature and with a little nurture can be even more so. Most of us are a lot more creative than we give ourselves credit for and therefore a lot more in touch with our souls than we may think. The act of creation is all around us – new ideas, new ways of doing things and new solutions to old problems are happening at the speed of light. Look around you and take note of all the creations you see. Then take a look at your own life and take note of your own creations.
Any time you take raw materials, whether they are tangible or intangible, and make something new, you are being creative. Any time you solve a problem in a new way, you are being creative. Any time you plan an event and see it through to completion you are being creative. Anytime you change the way you think of something or someone and you have a different response, you are being creative. Any time you choose to do something you have not done before, you are being creative. Any time you take a risk, or choose to learn something new, you are being creative. And of course any time you create something of beauty such as a work of art, a piece of prose or poetry, a lovely decorated room, a delicious meal, a craft, or you design or build a new home or building, plant a garden or any number things, you are being creative.
If you would like to have more beauty in your life and be more creative – to access the creative aspect of your soul in a more conscious, more nurturing and direct way try one or all seven of the idea below:
1. Start a Creativity/Beauty Journal – Every night before you go to sleep write down at least five things you saw or felt that day that were beautiful or creative.
2. Take yourself on a Beauty Date - a specific time once a week where you go alone to see and experience something you consider beautiful and has the potential to ignite your creative soul. For example, go for a walk in a park or walking trail and notice what you see. Find at least ten things on your walk that are beautiful – then when you get home write them in your Beauty Journal. Or go to an art supply store or a craft store and look at all the potential creative project and buy the materials to start one.
3. Ask yourself before you begin a new project, even housework or some other ordinary task, "How I bring beauty or creativity to this endeavor?"
4. Use creativity and the idea of beauty to solve the everyday problems that occur in your life – ask yourself “How could I solve this problem in a creative way?”
5. Commit to doing one new creative thing or trying something new once a week for a year – Keep a page in your Creativity/Beauty Journal to list what you did – review at the end of the year.
6. Begin to use creativity when dealing with your relationships – whether children, spouses, friend or co-workers – ask yourself – "How could I use creativity to make this situation come out better and more positively?"
7. Have a time at dinner every night to ask each member of your family – "How were you creative today? "
Remember, we are all creative by nature and we all love beauty. All we need to do to increase the creativity and beauty in our lives is to be open and pay attention to our soul urges – once we do, all kinds of glorious, beautiful and creative things will begin to happen.
Blessings, Lorraine
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