Have You Thought About Self Actualization Lately?

When I was a kid in the backwoods of Georgia - no that is not a picture of me but a good likeness - I wanted to be a singer, a dancer, an artist, a writer, a movie star - my imagination took me to all kinds of wonderful places and even though I had never heard of the idea of self actualization, I knew in my soul what it was all about.  It might not have looked like a great life to some, but as I said in my last post, it was beautiful to me.  All my basic needs were met and so I could use my imagination to dream and dream big - so I did.  

Then when I was in college back in the late seventies I learned about Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, which says that we have basic needs that must be met before we can go on to higher levels of functioning, but that if these basic needs are not met we won't be reading Maslow, much less Kant, or Jung or wondering about making some high minded contribution to the greater good.  In fact, what we will be doing is simply trying to survive.  But that once we meet our basic survival needs we will move on to love and belonging and then to esteem needs which usually means some kind of place in the world of work or career or for women, remember he was writing back in the forties - creating and raising a family.

In American culture, most of these things are usually accomplished somewhere in midlife and that’s where things tend to get bogged down.  Maslow’s last stage of development is what he calls self- actualization and he said, this was back in the mid 1940’s, that only about 17% of the population ever gets to this stage.  According to Maslow, most people get to the esteem stage and hang out there for the rest of their lives. 

Fast forward 70 years; I began to wonder if this number had increased and what I found, by and large is that the majority of Americans are still, as a society, stuck at the esteem stage of human growth and development - just as they were back in 1943 - which translates in practice to a focus on status, money, property and security – what Boldt calls the Little King way of life.  We can all live in our little kingdom being masters of our lives.  But then what?  According to Maslow, once we have reached a certain level, a kind of discontent rolls in and we feel  - well, discontented.  Now what?  Most of the time this discontent shows up once you have met all the challenges of middle adulthood and are more or less on autopilot.  You’re doing your thing and doing it pretty well, now what? - again, that question.  Add to that the increased life expectancy of another twenty to thirty years longer than our parents and grandparents lived and I find many people seeking happiness and fulfillment through the hedonic treadmill, that is, pleasuring themselves  to death.  In other words, you’ll use your money, your accomplishments, your status, your sense of having earned these rewards as tools to increase your pleasure and fun in life.  Sounds good, right?  Well, not so fast, as a way of life, pleasure turns out to be not nearly as satisfying or gratifying as using your gifts and talents in a way that serves more than your own personal pleasure and comfort.  After awhile, the little king begins to feel sickly and bored with all that fun and pleasure.  It turns out that Maslow was on to something, in order to feel really satisfied with your life you need to keep growing, learning and contributing to the greater good in an ever- increasing trajectory by challenging yourself to be the best person you can be, given your gifts and talents and then to use them in service to something greater than your own personal pleasure and comfort. 

Midlife and beyond is the time when this becomes clear – it is the time when many of your earlier challenges have been met and you are now at a place where you need to take on some new challenges, some new growth, some new ways of being in the world.  Resting on your laurels may feel good for a while, but eventually you will begin to feel that restlessness that Maslow talked about.  

Midlife and beyond is the perfect time to stop and listen to your heart, your soul and see if a message about who you are and what you are here to do is being sent.  I call this your soul’s call and everyone of us, if we listen, will hear that still small voice telling us what we need to do next and it doesn’t require an all expense paid trip around the world to eat, pray and love in order to hear that voice.  You can hear it right in the comfort of your own home, or maybe I should say, discomfort of your own home, as that is what usually happens, you begin to feel discomfort and discontent with where you are and what you are doing, but calling up a travel agency and booking a flight to Italy, is not, in most cases, what that voice is telling you to do. 

Self-actualization then is about becoming the best person you can be with the gifts and talents you have been given and midlife and beyond is the perfect time to do this.  In most cases you have the time and the money to do it.  You have the self-esteem to do it as well and you have the discontent of a repetitive life of pleasuring yourself as a message that life is more than another golf game, another night out with the girls or the latest handbag from that upscale designer you just read about In Style Magazine. 

This is the time of sitting quietly with yourself and listening for the call of your soul.  Self actualization also means using those gifts and talents for more than simply self indulgence of your every whim and desire, it is to use yourself in service to something with more purpose and mission than your own little king life.  I believe we all have something to contribute, whether this is small or grand. 

I took a course in Authentic Happiness Coaching from Martin Seligman who wrote the book Authentic Happiness and in the course he said there were three kinds of  “happy” lives.  

First the Pleasant Life, consisting in having as many pleasures as possible and having the skills to amplify the pleasures. This is, of course, the only true kind of happiness on the Hollywood view. Second, the Good Life, which consists in knowing what your signature strengths are, and then re-crafting your work, love, friendship, leisure and parenting to use those strengths to have more flow in life. Third, the Meaningful Life, which consists of using your signature strengths in the service of something that you believe is larger than you are.

If you want to be a self actualizing person and I hope all who read my blog fall into that category, then the only life to aspire to is the meaningful one. The meaningful life is a self actualizing life and by the way, I say self actualizing as no one is fully self actualized until they move out of this temporal life and into the truly spiritual one beyond this one and even then, who knows, maybe you come back and again and do some more work, as the reincarnation folks believe.   But while you are here, I suggest the idea of challenging yourself to be your best self, is the only way to go. 

Blessings, Lorraine

Living The Beauty Way

Beauty draws the eye and the spirit towards itself, whether it’s a flower, a mountain stream, the smile of a baby or the joy of watching an outfielder catch a fly ball in mid air or a gymnast sticking her dismount – we are all drawn to beauty. It even occurs to me that beauty is the ultimate draw of life – we all love the feel of seeing beauty. It’s both visual and visceral. This is why writers who use metaphor, simile and vivid details to describe things move us more than those who simply tell us something is beautiful. I could say that I had a beautiful childhood growing up in the country in Georgia back in the 1950’s but that’s pretty bland statement and doesn’t really do much to convey the real joy I felt.

When I tell people we lived in a weather beaten old house which some said used to be a sharecroppers cabin in the backwoods of Georgia, most people don’t conger up a beautiful setting, but I do. I was surrounded by beauty everywhere I looked. From Mama’s back door flower porch with it’s pots and pots of variegated cuttings of coleus, white petaled black eyed daisies and the velvet reds and purples of the petunias she planted out in the yard each year.  I also found beauty on the side of the black top road I had to walk everyday to school.  In spring it was the fragrance and beauty of honeysuckle and the charm of Queen Anne’s lace lining the side of the road.   In winter, I saw beauty when I looked out at what the ice storm had brought and marveled at the way the trees looked like they were growing long sparkly ice crystals. Then in the fall I loved to collect the red, yellow and bright Orange leaves to make my own brand of "flower" arrangements with them. I even loved the kudzu, that tenacious, snake like vine that climbed and wrapped itself around anything and everything that stood still long enough - I thought it was lovely as well.

But it wasn't just nature that brought beauty to my eyes - I longed for what we called back then, a hundred yard slip - a fantastic garment made of yards and yards of frothy net, well, one hundred yards, if you believe the advertising, and I sure did.  I wanted one of them so badly that I could taste it.  I wanted to wear it under my favorite blue dress so I would look like a ballerina.  Then one day Mama came home from work and pulled this cotton candy pink confection out of a brown shopping bag and gave it to me, just because, she said. I loved that thing and wore it to school ever day until  it wilted and we had to wash it.  Then I used a used a sugar, starch and water concoction  to pump it back up to its full wonder and wore it till I outgrew it.  It was a bit scratchy on my skinny little legs but it made my dress stick out about five inches from the waist and when I whirled around and around in it, showing it off to my girlfriends, I thought I was some kind of princess. I also found beauty in the little red silk neckerchief of my Mama's that I begged her to let me wear around my neck, turned to the side in a sassy way, for my 5th grade school pictures. Talk about beauty, I felt like some kind of movie star in that thing.

I remember catching June bugs and tying a string around their legs and flying them around the yard on a warm summer night. I also remember catching fireflies and putting them in mason jars and setting them all along the front porch as luminaries – a word I didn’t know then. But I knew it would make that drab old porch glow and bring a smile to Daddy’s face when I went in and told him to come out and see what I'd done. I remember the red clay yard and how we would build ourselves what we called rivers and lakes with the rushing water after one of the gully washers - as Uncle John called a summer thunder storm – came and made a lake out of our yard. In Georgia, like everywhere else on earth rain is very beautiful – it washes away the dirt, dust and grime that sits on everything after a long hot spell. In the back woods of Georgia, the  rain often came in buckets and torrents and could turn our yard into a swamp. We would then build bridges, create tunnels and let the water flow like a river into a big lake in the middle of the yard. We’d then build ourselves these little boats and barges out of tree bark and shavings from the woodpile and have races down to that big lake. The next day the sun would come out and by suppertime, the yard would look like an archaeological dig – another word I didn’t know then – and Mama would tell us to get out there and clean up the mess we’d made. But before we did we'd have ourselves a good old time lobbing dirt clods at each other and getting ourselves completely filthy. When Mama would look out the window and see us she would yell. “Y’all better get in here and get cleaned up for supper – you look like a bunch wild Indians about to go on the warpath.”

To Mama we looked like savages with all that red dust clinging to our faces and arms. We needed a bath, she would say, so she could figure out who was Jimmy and who was Lorraine or who was Ronnie and who was Sherry – we were the main players in the Dirt Clod Derby – the other two – there were seven of us then - later another baby would come along – were too young for the the rough and tumble of our yard play.

Eventually it would be time to take that bath. But, we didn’t have running water so Daddy would draw some water from the well and he would take it into the kitchen where Mama would heat up a bunch of it on the stove and then they would set up two wash tubs – those big silver galvanize ones people in the country used to do the laundry back then. One would be filled with warm soapy water and the other would be the rinse water and would be cool and refreshing to our hot little bodies. Of course this led to lots of splashing and giggling and whispering about seeing each other’s willies and wallies – that’s what we’d decided to name our private parts and it stuck. After that Mama would wrap us up in these big towels and we would get in our jimmies and eat a little supper – we were pretty bushed by then. Either she or Daddy would then tell us a bedtime story and it was tell us a story, not read us one – we were too poor for books - plus with all those kids, no book would have lasted long in our house without one of the younger kids coloring all the pages and then ripping all the pages out just for fun. But both Mama and Daddy were great story tellers. Their stories were often about living on a farm or going to the Grand Ole Oprey or camping out in the big woods back in South Carolina where Mama was from. Or the stories might be tales of warning about some bad girl or boy they knew from a long time ago who got into big trouble. Sometimes it was about some kid who did nothing but good things and sounded like a saint to us, but we knew better, kids being kids - we just laughed off these warnings.

Life was good, life was beautiful - back then, as now. For me the the beauty way is the only way to really enjoy life and get its full meaning and purpose. Now this is not to say that there are not some tough times, of course there are – we had some bad times back there in that sharecropper’s cabin, but I choose to let those memories go.  If I focus on the bad then that ruins my present and puts a pall over my past. So I choose to look for the good and I implore you to do the same.  If you look for and surrounds yourself with beauty then the hard times are a lot easier to take and deal with AND they end up having more meaning. Because even the tough times have a kind of beauty in them or beauty can come from them in certain ways and in certain situations. Now I don’t mean pure evil or devastation or pointless pain and sorrow – I am not saying that we should try and find beauty in something like the Holocaust or the devastation of hurricane Katrina or what happened at Columbine High School – a place not fifteen miles from where I live - but to deny beauty in the futile hope that focusing on tragedy and pain will somehow change these things or somehow eliminate them or to become a victim of life, I don’t think that is how things work.

So today, I’m asking you to think about the beauty in your life and to look at the pain you have suffered, or are suffering at this very moment, as having some beauty to it. I remember when my father-in-law Art died, and I wrote to his wife (his second wife, my husband’s mother had died earlier) all the wonderful and delightful things I remembered about him that made him special and how if I thought about those things, I did not feel sad, I felt glad for having known him. She wrote back to me and said that of all the sympathy cards she had receive mine was the only one that made her feel good and that she had framed it and put it on her mantle to remind her of the joy, the beauty, Art had brought to her life.

As you look around you at your life, at the people in it, the place you live, the times you live in and so on, what do you see that fills you with joy? What makes you smile? What do you feel privileged to have in your life? What beautiful lessons have you learned and now use to make you a better person? If you have pain in your life be it physical or emotional, what message is it sending you about your life? Is there something you need to wake up and see? How can you use your pain to make your life more beautiful? How can you make someone else’s life more beautiful? Giving and sharing what you have to give and share is in itself a beautiful thing – so go out today and give someone something or share the load or lend a hand – beauty comes in all kinds of ways and actions.

Today and everyday, I wish you beauty…Blessings, Lorraine

10 Attributes of People Who Reinvent Themselves at Midlife and Beyond

On Sunday night I tuned into my local PBS station and right there on television was a program called Reinventing Yourself and was about people who took the steps at midlife and beyond to find their purpose, expand their lives and in the process reinvent themselves. This is, of course, the subject of my book and one that I have been writing on for some time now - I was pretty excited to see this program. In case you missed it, it will be on again. Reinventing Yourself - Thursday, April 5 at 9:00 pm on PBS - Channel 12.1 Tune in, I think you'll like it. The film focuses on five individuals who have decided to start life all over again in mid-life by re-shaping their work, their sense of purpose, their relationships, even their personality. While watching the program I started thinking about what made these people different from their contemporaries - what attributes did they have that made them first of all, hear the call for a more expanded version of themselves, and second the courage to act on this call. I identified ten attributes that most of these people displayed. How many of these ten do you possess?

1. The idea of retiring and simply doing pleasurable activities didn't float their boat - they wanted to do something meaningful and with purpose for the rest of their lives.





2. They had taken care of themselves both physically, mentally and emotionally and were ready for a new challenge.





3. They knew that what they thought of themselves was much more important than what others thought of them - they were self reliant and kept their own counsel.





4. They were willing to seek help and guidance when they felt they needed it and they read books, took classes and used professional help in areas where they felt they needed to improve.





5. They took action and made commitments and didn't sit around blaming the economy or anything else for the state of their lives - they were proactive.





6. They were willing to take risks and had the courage to act on their dreams, even when it was difficult and scary.





7. They didn't make a 180 degree change but used the skills, talents and knowledge they already possessed in new and meaningful ways.





8. They saw this time of life as offering them the opportunity to make a difference and to live a life of purpose and meaning and they looked for a need in their community or in the world at large and got busy making a difference.





9. They didn't deny their age but neither did they let it define them - old to them was a state of mind and their state of mind was vital and spirited.





10. They saw this time of life as filled with possibilities and not filled with limitations - they were pioneers, not settlers put out to pasture by a cultural mindset that no longer served them or society.

These people, and the people I work with as well, also find much joy and self worth in what they are doing. If you would like to explore how you can become a pioneer at midlife and beyond then just give me a call and let's get started reinventing your life.

Blessings, Lorraine

Stop Playing the Comparing and Judging Game and Find Your Own Gifts and Talents and Begin to Value Them Today!!!

A lot of people spend their days comparing themselves to others. In a way, it's the name of the game that most of us Americans grew up playing. It's the competition game and it starts in school with grades and getting picked for the dodge ball team or being the best at a sport or winning the science fair project or the computer derby - everyone wants to be first at something and in many ways this is a good thing but eventually this whole thing turns into a compare and then judge game that can be detrimental to the development of your own unique gifts and talents. We are all gifted and talented and we need to find and develop these talents and gifts rather than continuing to compare ourselves to others. The Picture of the flower on the left is lovely, don't you think? I do - it just is - I don't need to compare it to any other flowers or say that it is the most beautiful of all flowers - it is simply a beautiful flower and that is its gift.

The same is true of all of people. We are all flowers in our way and when we compare ourselves to others this can create either a sense of superiority or a sense of inferiority because we can always find people who are better at something than we are and others who are not as good at something which we do very well. For some people this becomes their main occupation - looking for those who are worse off than they are and judging themselves better or finding those who are more successful and feeling inadequate in a kind of see sawing back and forth between these two extremes.

Eliminate the Compare and Judge Game From Your Life

This is a worthless occupation and proves nothing - absolutely nothing. If you want to be good at something then go for it by creating or finding a standard and working toward that standard. If I want to be a better writer then I need to study writing, spend time actually writing and listening and taking in feedback about my writing and then revising my writing or not depending on how I feel about it myself - if I think the feedback is legitimate, then I will make changes but if I don't I won't. But to spend my days saying so and so is a better writer than I am or that I'll never be that good or that so and so can't write her way out of a paper bag and then acting superior about that person, does not serve my talent as a writer.

Accept Your Gift at the Level it is Given

In a recent blog post I talked about being a tall poppy and I do think some of us are tall poppies but does that mean we are the tallest poppy in the whole wide world or just within the field where we are planted? I think you can guess the answer. In addition, we may be a tall poppy in one area and not tall at all in another. I'm a writer, I love writing but I don't see my writing gift as that of someone like Jane Austin - that's not even my kind of writing or a more contemporary example like Jennifer Weiner - she's funny and entertaining and is a best selling author - but I'm not trying to be like her either. I'm being me and using my gift where I'm planted and not looking to judge myself against anyone but my own self and what I want to accomplish with my writing.

You need to do this too. Figure out your gifts and talents and start honing them, practicing them and using them in some way that makes you feel good about yourself - always - whether there is someone you know who does it better than you or that you judge to be doing it better than you or not. And if you think you and your gifts make you hot stuff and you judge yourself better than everyone around you, well then that too is a huge mistake. What's that old saying, pride goeth before a fall - people who see themselves as superior to everyone else are going to be shot down by someone or something at some point down the road, you can bet on that.


What You Love to Do - That's Where Your Gifts Are


Our gifts come from what we love to do - if you love to do it, then in almost all cases you will be gifted in that area in some way. Now I'm not talking about reading a book or watching a movie or eating ice cream - these are pleasures, not gifts or talents. I'm talking about doing something that produces something and contributes to the greater good - this is where your gifts show up. So if you don't know what your gifts or talents are, start paying attention to what you love to do that produces something that is useful to other people or the planet. Also, pay attention to compliments - what do other people tell you that you are good at or that they appreciate about you - this too is a good place to look for your gifts. Another way to discover your gifts is to look at what you get lost in doing, that is, you lose track of time because you are simply so involved in the activity that the next thing you know it's been hours but it seems like only minutes. One writer calls this flow and most of us have something we like to do where we feel in the flow or in the zone.

All Gifts are Valuable and Useful

This brings us back to the comparing and judging game some people play on a daily basis - they judge their own gifts as lacking in quality or quantity, but all gifts are valuable and useful regardless of their level or how much material success. In some cases they judge their own gifts too highly and come off arrogant and egotistical, not a good thing either. When we do this we either deny our own value as a human being or we become narcissistic and value ourselves more than is reasonable. Each of us needs to find a balance between recognizing and honoring our gifts and talents but not making them the be all and end all of our existence either.

In my own case, if I write one sentence, one article, one blog post or one book that changes one person's life in a positive way, then my gift has served its purpose. Plus, I love writing these things and that serves me as well and so now I've served two people and I'm okay with that. Of course, I have faith that my work serves more than two people, but if a song bird sings a song in the forest and no one hears it, does that mean the song bird has no value? Or if you go on American Idol and are cut on the first show and then go home and sing in the choir at your church, does that mean your gift is somehow less than the eventual winner of American Idol? I don't think so - a gift is a gift and needs to be valued and appreciated by the one who has the gift where ever that may take them or however that may play itself out.

Find Your Piece of the Great Puzzle and Begin Using it

We all have a piece of the great puzzle - I call this our gifts and talents - some have big pieces and some have smaller ones but we all have something to contribute. The trick is to value what you have as sacred and stop looking at others and comparing yourself to them - it's a waste of your time and does not serve you or your gift - so make a promise to yourself today to stop comparing and judging and get on with valuing, using and honing and then giving your gifts to the greater good instead.

Blessings, Lorraine

Becoming a Tall Poppy - Reinvent Your Life Contest Winners

I have a friend who lived in Australia for awhile and she said that over there people were advised not to see themselves as a tall poppy - in other words to stand out from the crowd was seen as against the cultural norm. But here in America, where I live, I think just the opposite is true. From American Idol contestants to Academy Award nominees the desire to stand out is part of the American spirit. But standing out does not necessarily mean winning some award. What it means to me is that you become your best self in the world based on your soul's call. We are all called to do something unique with our lives. Of course this does not have to be winning an Oscar or becoming an overnight success as a recording artist but it does mean doing what you in your own individual way are called to do. That's what my work and my new book - Second Act Soul Calls - The Journey to Find and Develop Your Authentic Self at Midlife and Beyond, (coming out Spring 2012) is all about. So last month I ran a contest for my 12 week Reinvent Your Life online program. I talked to lots of folks about it and my decision is not to announce the winner, because everyone I talked to is a winner - simply by talking to me about this and beginning the journey to hear their soul's call whether they do this with my guidance or on their own. In that regard I would like to share with my readers some of the life challenges the people I spoke with are facing...you may find yourself in one of these short descriptions. So here goes...

A 58 year old lawyer who was burned out being a lawyer but didn't have the vaguest idea what he would like to do with the rest of his life.

A 47 year old government worker who felt like he was on autopilot all the time and even though he feared leaving his secure job in a Federal agency, he felt that if he didn't he would end up so dead inside that he would have no enthusiasm for creating a new life after retirement.

A 61 year old stay at home mom whose last child had been out of the nest for five years and she had gone out to lunch and traveled the world but was now ready to do something more meaningful with her days.

A 52 year old office worker who has always wanted to be an anthropologist but can't figure out how to do it and wondered if my program could help her.

A married couple, she is 56 and he is 63, with a nice retirement package on its way when he retires in two years but no idea at all of what they will do with the next twenty to thirty years.

A 49 year old single woman with what everyone says has a great job as a manager in a fortune 500 company but who longs to quit and train horses.

A 70 year old man who has been retired for five years and chomping at the bit to create a non profit that will address environmental issues facing the world but not quite sure how to get the thing off the ground.

A 64 year old woman who has a book she wants to write but is afraid no one will want to read a book by someone her age.

43 year old man who lost his job in the recent financial bust and wonders what else he can do with his time and energy.

A 48 year old woman who wants to try her hand at writing, speaking and consulting on the toxins in our food, water and over the counter medicines but has responsibilities now that she feels prevents this and therefore she feels stuck.

A 61 year old man who knows he is here to do something with his life other than going on a perpetual vacation when he retires in four years but needs help in identifying what that is and ways to make it happen when he does identify it.

These are some of the people I spoke with and I picked one of them to receive my 12 week program. If you see yourself in one of these or know someone who does please feel free to call me or forward my blog address to them. I can help anyone listen to and answer their soul's call and in the process create the life of their dreams. I offer the 12 week program but I also offer one time consulting, one-on-one coaching or a combination of these. You may call me at 303-273-5589 or email me at lorrainebanfield@msn.com I look forward to hearing from you. And remember being a tall poppy is cool.

Blessings, Lorraine

The Continental Divide of Reinventing Your Life

When it comes to living an authentic life, one that feels right to you on a soul level, we often meet up with challenges that push us off the path. Also, from my work with people, my own life experiences, and from reading and contemplating great writers and thinkers who have traveled this path before me, I have found that those who stay the course, are the pioneers and those who don’t are the one’s left behind worrying about safety and security and getting old disappointed by the minute.

I was thinking about the idea of being an explorer, a pioneer, a trailblazer this morning and a scene from a PBS program I saw not too long ago came to mind. It was a dramatized version of the Lewis and Clark Expedition. In this particular scene the men were exhausted, hungry and ready for it to be over. They had not only run out of provisions – food and water – but were on the brink of emotional and physical collapse. They had been on the expedition for well over a year and were ready for it to be over. They had encountered biting insects, poisonous snakes, thorny plants, bad weather, extreme temperatures, violent storms, hail, flooding, getting lost, stress, starvation, lack of sleep, exhaustion, aches, pains, and the depletion of trade goods. Not only that, but some of their horses were stolen by Indians and others had fallen off the trail and died. It had not been much fun. But now they had climbed to the top of a great mountain and were ready to see the Pacific Ocean. It was the Continental Divide and they reached it on August 26, sixteen months after leaving Illinois. The men climbed the last few steps to the summit - expecting with all their hearts and souls - to see the ocean in all its magnificence, but instead what they saw was another group of mountain ranges, as far as the eye could see – with no open land and no glint of sun off the ocean. Talk about disappointment, talk about utter frustration and fatigue.

This can happen on any journey, especially one where you are blazing new trails or are exploring new territory, just when you think you have reached the summit - the end of your journey - you find several new mountains to climb and new lands to explore. It can make you crazy – at least for a little while, or it can spur you on as it did the men of the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

Most of us, when we reach our middle forties and early fifties will reach this Continental Divide of our lives. Many of us, coming to this point will think we have reached the peak of our lives, but like Lewis and Clark, we have only gotten to the top of one mountain only to be faced with many more to be climbed before we reach the Pacific Ocean of our trip. This can be daunting but it also can be exhilarating.

In fact, what I find is, that exhilaration is exactly what we need at this point. But this is a new paradigm – it’s not the one our parents used, or even the ones some of our neighbors and friends are using now. Oh, sure, we have the midlife crisis paradigm of chucking everything in our life and going off on an odyssey to regain our youth but regaining our youth, that is, denial of our age and pretending to be our younger self, is not what being at the continental divide of life is all about. The paradigm I am talking about here is one where you engage with the challenges, opportunities and possibilities of this stage of life in a growth oriented, learn new things way rather than either denial or resigned acceptance.

When I say acceptance I mean accepting that after a certain age it’s all downhill from there; this is fatalistic thinking and does not serve you or society. We need vital, engaged, growth oriented citizens who remain this way until they transition into the great beyond. We do not need people who act as if they are teenagers their entire lives or who accept aging with resignation and regret.

So today, if you find yourself on the Continental Divide of your life, I say good for you, this is exciting, this is challenging, this is worth the trip. You might need to camp out for awhile like Lewis and Clark did, getting things together for the next leg of the journey, but don’t get too comfortable. Spend some time in reflection, spend some time gathering what you will need on the trip, but make sure you keep moving and keep climbing and traversing those hills and valleys so that the second act of your life is as grand and satisfying as the first.

And by the way, if you need a scout, a guide, a seasoned Continental Divide crosser, then give me a call, it's what I'm called to do. I love to help fellow pioneers in whatever stage of the journey they happen to find themselves.

Blessings, Lorraine

In Praise of Dreamers, Mavericks, Malcontents and Restless Souls

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” -Apple, Inc.

I was at a party once where a man came up to me and introduced himself. When he found out that I was a psychotherapist he asked me about my work. When I told him that I worked with normal people on life issues ranging from work to relationships he asked me what normal was. Of course, being someone who had thought about this I had an answer for him, but what I saw as I talked to him was that he, along with a lot of other people I discuss my work with, wanted to distinguish between the people who were my clients and those who were not. He wanted to call himself normal and those who would seek out a counselor as abnormal.

And maybe he was right, maybe people who seek to find meaning in their lives, who seek to learn and grow, to get better at negotiating the rapids and undercurrents of life are in many ways abnormal since the normal person wants to see himself as already knowing how to do this. Maybe in the old days when we lived among our tribe and it did indeed take a village to raise us up to adulthood, we did know this or had a lot of help at hand, for free to make this true. But now we live in urban and suburban neighborhoods with virtual strangers and the only wise elder we have access to are found on our computers, in the books we read, the movies we see and the politicians we listen to and support, but in truth we really don’t know these people. They bombard us on a daily basis with ideas designed to sell us something or teach us something, or to get us to try something. Ten ways to that, twenty ways to this and a hundred ideas we never knew we didn’t know until NOW! We have Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and Dr. Drew – all telling us what is normal and what is not and what to do about it. It’s enough to blow your mind or at least make you wonder about your own normality.

But here’s the deal, being disturbed about something, being a malcontent, a maverick, a restless soul or someone who dreams of a better world, these are the people who make things happen since discontent is the fuel that runs the engine of change. Malcontents shake up the status quo and make new things happen. Mavericks question authority and keep the wheels of justice going in the right direction. Dreamers come up with ideas to make the world a better place and then go about making this happen. Restless souls stir up our passions and get things moving.

Rosa Parks was a maverick when she decided to sit in the front of the bus. Betty Freidan was a malcontent when she wrote her book the Feminine Mystique back in the 60’s which helped to ignite a new women’s movement. Steve Jobs was a restless soul when he went to India and studied the mystics and then came back home, got fired from Apple then started Pixar and then came back to Apple and helped to change the world with the Iphone, the Ipad and who knows what else. Louis and Clark were restless souls who wanted to explore a world unknown to white men and find the perfect route to the Pacific Northwest. Eleanor Roosevelt was a malcontent when she decided that she had other ideas about being a first lady and went down into the coal mines, wrote her weekly newspaper column and became a force to be reckoned with on her own terms.

But what about those of us who don’t have a directly obvious cause or focus – are we simply abnormal folks who don’t fit in with the mainstream and therefore should be pitied as the man I met at the party seemed to be doing when he talked about my clients as being, if not abnormal, then at least not normal. But being normal for some of us is not our mission in life, it’s not our reason for being. If you find that in your life you have been accused of being a restless soul, of being a malcontent, of being a maverick or even as Apple called it, a crazy one, then take note, there is a place for you here and I can help you find it.

Now, don’t get me wrong here, there are some people who fall into this category who are indeed abnormal, odd, weird souls, even what some might call lost souls, people who are hurting, disturbed and very dysfunctional, but I doubt any of them will be reading a blog on how to live a renaissance life so this is not for them. This is for those of you who are normal but restless, normal but dream of a better world, normal but not satisfied with the status quo, normal but wanting to live a more meaningful life, one where you are at the helm of change, innovation and creativity.

Maybe you’re a writer, a musician, an artist, a teacher, an inventor, a person with a cause you want to champion, a vision you have but don’t know how to implement it, a person with a passionate feeling about something that you want to impact but are unsure how to make that happen, or you just know there is something here for you to do but you are just not sure what it is and need direction in how to find it. This is where I come in. My work is about helping people who fit these categories. I have online, one-on-one and other programs designed to help you find your true and authentic self and what you are here to do and how to make that happen. I would love to talk to you about this. Please either call (303-273-5589) or email (lorrainebanfield@msn.com) me and see if my programs can help you or someone you know. Please feel free to send the link to my blog to anyone you know who might benefit from my work. I do a few pro bono clients a year, so even if someone can’t afford this right now, you never know how connecting with me could change their life or yours.

And remember, as the Apple Ad says, “…the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” So let’s get busy changing the world, one person at a time, and I think we should start with you!

Blessings, Lorraine

If You Want Love, You Gotta Bring it With You

It's Friday afternoon and I decided that I just had to clean my studio, the room I do my writing and creating in - it was a mess - one thing I know is that to be creative, you can't worry too much about being neat, it stops the flow of creativity, at least it does for me. So as I'm working I like to listen to some R&B - it helps me stay energized. So here comes this song I'd never heard before, If You Want Love, You Gotta Bring it With You by Irma Thomas. All of a sudden, I thought, you know what, that is so true and it's true about a lot of other things as well.

As we approach Valentine's Day, think about what you're bringing with you to that day and all the days to come. It doesn't matter whether or not you are in a romantic relationship, love is your birthright, but it's also the gift you can bring with you no matter where you go or what you do. The moment you begin to think loving thoughts and bring that to your interactions, the universe gets stirred up and then positive and affirming things begin to flow around you in a way that never happens when you're being needy, ungrateful and complaining.

In a recent blog post, I mentioined that life rewards action, and it rewards loving action in the most predictable and unpredictable ways. The predictable way is that you will simply feel good in the moment and sometimes that's all we need, but the unpredictable is that one day something really special will come your way, you may not connect it to the loving thoughts and deeds you bring with you wherever you go, but I know from experience that when I bring love with me wherever I go then all kinds of positive things happen to me - not in a direct way but in a way that is magical and unexpected. Remember the plumber who stopped and changed my tire a few of weeks ago? Well, some might say that having a blow out on the freeway is not a magical thing, but having someone right there ready, willing and able to change that tire for me and doing it with a smile on his face was sure magical to me, I can tell you that right now!

So bring a little love with you this Valentine's Day and everyday after that...It'll make you feel good and bring some much needed sunshine into someone's else's day and will begin to bring beauty and joy into yours as well and what could be better than that?

Happy Valnetine's Day, Lorraine

PS - For some great housecleaning music tune in the Combast cable channel 937 - it's commercial free - in fact start with Channel 900 and see which kind of musis suits you - there is a channel for every kind of music.

Enter The Reinvent Yourself and Your Life Contest Today!!!!

If you would like to reinvent yourself and your life in 2012 then enter my contest for a $1500 online program designed to help you do just that!

Why enter this contest?

Because you’d like to have your life go from okay to fabulous. You are at midlife or beyond and feeling restless and bored. Because you have something you’ve always wanted to do but life responsibilities and other commitments have kept it hidden or unexpressed. It’s just time to make a change and yet the idea of doing it alone sounds daunting. You have a dream but don’t know how to implement it or how to start.

What You Will Learn

What a soul call is and what it is not
What your unique gifts are and how your soul is calling you to use them now
What to do about public opinion
What do about Private opinion
How to negotiate the deep waters of change
How to become a pioneer in the second half of life
How to align with others and when to do this and when not to
How to use technology to further your goals
How to stay inspired and enthusiastic
What course/path is right for you
The ways and means of time, money and energy

What the program includes

Professional Guidance and Inspiration
Ideas, Resources and Insight
Well Researched and Developed Content
One on One Coaching/Mentoring
Dedicated Email and Phone Contact
Someone Whose Been There and Knows the Way
Professional Personality Instruments for Determining Your Gifts and Talents
A Way to Re-Vision Midlife from Hanging on to a Life Renaissance
A Way to Re-Vision Retirement from Withdrawal to Re-engagement
A Weekly Lesson to Complete

Contest Rules -Deadline March 1, 2012

You must be 40 years old or older
You must write a 1000 word essay on why you want to reinvent yourself and your life

You must have the entry into me by March 1, 2012
You must show compelling reasons for me to choose you as the winner
You must be willing to commit 12 weeks to the program – starting April 1, 2012
You must demonstrate success in a previous life challenge
You must be open minded and proactive
You must have a growth-oriented attitude toward life
You must be willing to be a reference for the program and its affect on your life
You must include your telephone number

Please send your entry to me at lorrainebanfield@msn.com. I will pick three semi finalists and call each one to determine our compatibility. I will then announce the winner on my March 22, 2012 blog entry. I will not use your name, only a brief description of your story and why you are the winner. For more info on me see my website at http://www.lorrainebanfield.com/ or call me at 303-273-5589. Please feel free to forward this to anyone you know who you think would be interested in this contest and meets the requirements above. I look forward to reading your entries.

Blessings, Lorraine

Germinating the Seeds of Reinvention in 2012

Life is filled with chapters, phases, stages, acts and times and the best lives, the ones we want to live, the ones we want to read about or see in the movies, the ones that inspire us are filled to the brink with interesting and challenging chapters and acts, all along the way. But there is an insidious myth in our culture that tells us that basically we only have two chapters in our lives; the work chapter and the retirement chapter. In the first chapter you create the life you want or do the best you can to do that and the second chapter is devoted to maintaining that life, mostly in the form of money and financial security so you can coast on down to the end in comfort.

This myth tells us that by midlife you’ve more or less done what you can do to put all this in place and if you have not, well, you better get busy doing this or all hell will break loose when you get to retirement. This way of living is like telling yourself that by midlife, you have no more dreams, no more challenges to meet, no more excitement, you're just living a life on an endless repeat cycle. How awful! I say rubbish! I say, it’s time to reinvent yourself and your life. I say, create a new phase in your life; incubate a new idea, germinate the seeds of possibility and create a new identity this year. I say, make this the year you do what you’ve always wanted to do. I say, take a risk, see what happens, open yourself up and write a new chapter in your life.

Here are some ways and means for helping you do this:

Winter is Fallow Time - Do some dreaming, some journaling, some brainstorming. Read some books on reinventing your life, read some biographies of people you admire, join a group of like-minded individuals or start one yourself.

Weed the Garden of Your life – Look around you, what’s choking off your life? What is in your life as habit but no longer serves you? Pare down your life. Remember, in order for something to grow in your life there must be room for it – clear a space for your new life.

Begin Gathering the Seeds of Reinvention – Once you have done some brainstorming and have an idea of what you want to do and you have cleared out a space for it, begin to gather the seeds you will need to create your new life. Do research, gather information and begin to lay out the garden of your new chapter. Do this on paper first. Interview others who have done what you want to do – check out the obstacles and challenges.

Address the Yes, Buts – No matter what we want to do it will come with some yes, buts, regardless of how successful you have been in the past – most of us will resist new ideas and new things at some point in the process. In an important way, this is a protection provided by our egos, which we all have as the kind of chairman of the board – the ego wants us to look good and be safe so it will give you a ration of yes, buts when you begin a process of change and new development. Don’t deny the yes, but; hear it and then address the issues raised.

Develop a Plan – Once you have come up with your idea, addressed the yes, buts and interviewed or read about others who have done what you want to do, it’s time to develop a plan. Map our what you want to do and in what order. Start small – Noah didn’t build that ark in a day. You may need a bridge to get you there. This could be in the form of a job or a layered plan of action that is done in stages.

Spring Into Action – By the Spring of this year, if you have done the above you will be ready to plant some seeds of change and start the process of reinventing your life, or at least the beginning chapters of it. As I said, start small and work your way into it.

If this all sounds great to you but you’re not sure you can do it all on your own, then you might want to try my on-line program or join the Second Act Society if you live in Denver. My on-line program is listed on my website: http://www.lorrainebanfield.com/ and the Second Act Society is a Meetup group that meets once a month on Sunday afternoon 2-4 pm. Please check it out at: http://www.meetup.com/Second-Act-Society/

Meanwhile, have a wonderful new year and a happy, healthy and soulful life no matter whether this is the year you reinvent yourself or not.

Blessings, Lorraine