Re-Inventing Your Life - Winter - The Preparing Season

What a wonderful time of the year to think about re-inventing your life.  Most of the hubbub of the holidays is over and now we can settle down into the long winter and think about what seeds we want to plant for the spring. growing season.  I like to think of life as a being like a farmer.  Winter is the preparing season, spring is the planting season, summer is the production season and fall is the plenitude season.  I call it the four P's of soulful living.  Each of these has distinct challenges and distinct aspects that need to be addressed in order for the last one, plenitude to come to fruition.  Today I will talk about winter and the preparing season as that is where we are now.  I will address the other three in other blog posts down the road.

Winter is the Perfect Time to Begin 

No farmer worth his salt sits on his duff all winter like a bear hibernating.  No, he takes the time to fix and or get all his tools and equipment into good working order,  he purchase new ones if he feels he needs to and he eliminates broken or outdated ones.  He also evaluates his last crop, what worked, what didn't.  He looks at the seeds, fertilizers, pest control systems and other products and processes he used to see what brought success and which things didn't pan out.  He or she - farmers come in both genders, of course - checks out new trends in farming by going to seminars and reading books and periodicals. He checks with other farmers to see what worked for them and he makes decisions and prepares for the up coming growing season.  His actions fall into four categories:

1. Review and Assessment - What Worked - What Didn't
2. Fixing, Repairing and or Getting New Equipment - Eliminating the Old and Outdated
3. Learning and Growing  
4. Planning the Next Crop 

1. Where Are You Now - What's Working - What's Not 

No matter who you are or how much you may want to re-invent your life, it's unlikely that everything in your life needs to change.  If you have been planting beans all your life and you hate beans or feel burned out on this crop, then planting an new crop makes sense, but that does not mean that everything you know about farming has to go out the window with that bag of bean seeds. The cold and dark days of winter provide us a perfect time to think about and evaluate what is working in our lives and what isn't.  We don't need to make any radical decisions now, but it's a great time to look at your life and start re-thinking things..  Take a piece of paper and make three columns -First column,  What I love about my life.  In the second column, What I don't love, and the third column - What I'd like to change.  Keep this list as you go through the rest of the winter.  

2. Fixing, Repairing, Eliminating and or Getting New Equipment  

Ask yourself what in your life needs fixing, repairing, eliminating or do you need to simply get rid of some of these things and get new ones?  Think of this in a metaphorical way - people, places, things, communities, work/career - all of these can be seen as "equipment" that enables you to produce the kind of crop, that is.the life you really want to live.  For example. you like, love and value your spouse or best friend, but there are things between you that need fixing or repairing, well, now is the perfect time to address these so that when you get to the planting and production seasons of your re-invented life, this relationship does not fall apart on you or create a drag on your success with it.  The same is true of your work, if it is so stressful, so time consuming and drains the life out of you so that you have no time or energy to think about anything else, then maybe this is the time to figure out a way to make it less so.  I know a man who had a very demanding job and then one day his company offered him a transfer to a less stressful one.  At first he felt diminished by this but then he thought about it and realized it was the perfect opportunity for him to re-group and begin planning and preparing for a re-invented life down the road.  

3. Learning and Growing 

Winter is also the perfect time to send off for that new book or order that new magazine or go to a seminar and hear some new ideas from people with ideas that will help bring a fresh new perspective to your life.  It's also a great time to align with others who may be thinking of re-inventing their lives or who have already done it and want to share their journey with others doing the same thing or want to share what has worked for them.  Maybe the book you pickup at the library, is a novel but is of a place and time unfamiliar to you and in the reading of it, you become inspired.  Or it could be a self help book or a book of philosophy.  It could be some kind of technical thing and you are just chomping at the bit to learn this new thing.  Maybe it's something artistic you want to try so you sign up for a course in photography or painting water colors. Maybe you have a desire to learn a new language or how to upholster furniture.  I know a woman who recently retired, but found herself at loose ends and one day she went to a garage sale and bought an old wing back chair - it was old, beat up and looked like something the cat had been sleeping in for the past twenty years.  But it was well made and she told herself she could recover it and make it beautiful.  She didn't know a thing about upholstering furniture but she knew the library had books on how to do it so checked out a book on it and low and behold, that chair turned out perfect.  Then one day she found an old table and refinished it and now she spends her time between her re-furbishing projects and her scouting garage sales, used furniture stores and flea markets.  Now she's thinking of opening a little shop and told me she was having the time of her life and didn't miss her old life one bit.  

4. Planning Your Next Crop

The last thing any good farmer does is plan for his next crop by taking in all he has learned over the long winter months by making sure all his equipment is in good working order, that he has paid attention to new developments and incorporated these into his plan for this next year's crop.  You can do this too.  The new year is the perfect time to begin this process.  Start with a review of where you are.  Then do some culling out of the things that don't work for you, get new equipment where you need it and learn as much as you can about new things related to your potential new crop.  By the way, if you don't know quite yet what that crop is, not to worry, take the winter and just dream about what your re-invented life would look and feel like. As Thomas Wolfe once said, loaf and let your soul show up - you never know what it might lead you to given the chance, and winter is the perfect time for this kind of loafing.  

By the way, for those here in Denver, I will be at the Huron Anythink Library, in Westminster, on January 8th at 6:30 pm doing a talk on my book and the idea of re-inventing your life.  Check out this link for more information.  I hope to see you there.  http://www.anythinklibraries.org/calendar-day/2014-01-08  Below is the announcement.

Blessings, Lorraine 

Meet Lorraine Banfield and Re-Invent Your Life

Wednesday, January 8, 2014 6:30pm

Age: Adult

Lorraine Banfield, author of Second Act Soul Calls - Your Guide for the Re-Invention of Your Life at Midlife and Beyond with Passion, Purpose and Possibilities, for an evening of discussion and exercises designed to get you started thinking and planning for this most important and exciting time of life.

 No online registration necessary

Some thoughts on The Soul and Traditions

The holidays are the perfect time to think about creating, celebrating and maintaining traditions, whether you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim or even if you adhere to no religion, this is the time of year to think about the idea of traditions and rituals.  Rituals and traditions are soulful - they bring people together and remind them of their shared humanity, their shared life together.  We get together with our families, our friends and our loved ones and recreate, as best we can, the traditions and rituals that have meaning for us as soulful beings.    

Once a few years ago, after my divorce, I was dating a man who had no family near by and my daughters had gone off to live in California and he talked me into going skiing and then to a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner  Although I didn't have a bad time, nothing horrible happened, but nothing meaningful or soulful happened either.  It was a totally forgetable experience.  It was like any other skiing and going out to dinner afterwards - it was of no consequence.  I told myself then that from that point on, I would find a way to be with family and to do thanksgiving and other holidays, up right.

Now I find myself living out my Gypsy for a Year and will not be doing my usual Christmas Eve dinner for my family.  Although I had asked about doing this when I moved in with my friend and she agreed, it turns out no one in my family wants to come out here.  I now live about 25 miles from my daughter and about a million miles from where I was up until this year.  My daughter who lives here in Denver volunteered to have the dinner at her house.  But I feel sad about this, not because she is having it, but because I am not.  I feel I have interrupted something important and soulful, something others counted on, including, of course, myself.   I feel I have messed with a family tradition and this doesn't feel right to me.

My book, Second Act Soul Calls is about re-inventing your life based on the call of your soul, but what I know is that your soul will always call you back to family and friends and even though when I moved out here, I felt I was answering my soul's call, I think I may have forgotten that the soul calls us in many ways and sometimes this does not become evident until the window of opportunity has already closed.  I will not be having Christmas Eve dinner for my family this year and that is an opportunity I feel bad about. But what I know is that next year, I will make sure I can do my thing on Christmas Eve because my soul is reminding me that this is important.  . .

So, as you think about the various traditions and rituals of your family or your friendship group make sure you remember that the soul is about connection and ritual and not simply doing your own thing.  Yes, we need to honor the soul's call to individuality and uniqueness but we also need to honor it's need to be with people and to come back, again and again to those traditions that make you part of a family or a community. This, then is the time to honor your traditions and rituals and to create new ones if the old ones are no longer available to you and to go back to them if at all possible the next year as I am going to do.

Blessings, and Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Feliz Navidad and Happy Hanukkah.  Lorraine

Seeking People to Feature on My Blog

Do you know someone at midlife (50 plus) or beyond who has answered the call of their soul and re-invented their lives in some way?  Now they may not talk of it that way but if you know someone who has made changes in their life or have made their dreams come true in some way that feels to you like a soul thing, I would like to interview them and feature them here on my blog.

Here are some of the types of soul calls I would like to feature:  I will include their website if they have one or any thing that will further their call.

Championed a cause**Started a new business

Went back to school**Developed an encore career

Became a teacher**Ran for office and won

Started a non profit**Started a program to help others

Became an artist**Cleaned up the environment

Invented something**Became a minister or spiritual leader

Created and led an organization

Did what they have always wanted to do

I'm looking for people who have changed their lives by their call.  I'm not looking for people who do something on occasion or who take a trip and do some volunteer work - it needs to be a true re-invention of their life based on the soul's call or their heart's call if they see it that way instead.  

Also, whatever it is, it has to have an element of contributing to the greater good and not simply a way to make money.  Making money is fine, but the overall reason needs to be a soul or heart call to do this thing and other people need to benefit from it in some way.  

Please send me their name and email or phone number to lorrainebanfield@msn.com and I will call them and possibly include them in my series.  I look forward to hearing all the wonderful stories out there.  

Blessings, Lorraine 

Are You Infected With the Money Disease?

Although we live in a world where a certain amount of money is necessary for survival and most of us, of course, want to go beyond simply surviving to a place of thriving.  There is a lot of talk in the spiritual world about abundance, but abundance is not simply about having lots of money.  It's about having all the friends, family, serenity and work that you need to make you happy.  People who focus on money as the means to that abundance are missing the point of soulful living.

Money like many things in life can become a disease if not handled with consciousness and wisdom.  It's much like food, alcohol, sex  or any other substance or activity that becomes addictive. By the way, this can happen whether you have lots of money or are barely surviving financially.  People with addictions think about their substance or activity in unrelenting ways.  It is always on their minds and is their constant companion. Addictions, of course are not good for the soul.

Any addiction will in time, make you sick and will destroy your soul and kill off your spirit and the joy in your life.  Now some of you may argue with this as a certain amount of money is necessary for life on this planet as it is now lived - few of us live on farms or out in the country where we can grow or hunt our food.  In the modern world money has to be earned, inherited or given to us in some way so that we can survive.  So yes, we need money.  But just as we need food, we don't need to become obsessed with eating to the point of obesity.  Nor is a beer on hot afternoon or a nice glass of wine with dinner a problem either, but if you can't go without alcohol or you abuse it to the point of drunkenness or use it to medicate yourself out of dealing with life's challenges, problems and difficulties, then that's not a healthy relationship to alcohol. The challenge of living a soulful and purposeful life, the point of this blog, is to balance your actions, your thoughts and your focus on what what your soul calls you to do with your life and it never calls you to an addiction, regardless of what kind it is.  Too strong a focus on the material things of life can throw you off your soul's course. Money is one of the more insidious ways to go off course, since we need it to live and yet we know in our hearts, if we just go there and listen for the call of our souls, that we can be happy and satisfied with life regardless of how materially rich or poor we happen to be.  As the ancient Greek philosopher Democritus said, "Happiness resides not in possessions, not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul."   So take this quiz and see how you are doing where money is concerned.

Take this quiz to see if you have a money addiction

1. Your daily thoughts and conversations are about money or what money can buy - 10 Points
2. You have fears around money either that you don't have enough or that somehow you will lose it or you will be ripped off by someone or some financial disaster will happen - 20 Points
3. You judge other people by how much money they have or don't have - 10 Points 
4. When you meet someone new you look for signs of wealth - cars, jewelry, fine cloths, home, career, who they know and where they are going in terms of money - 20 Points 
5. When you talk about other people you always mention them in terms of their money and status -10 Points 
6. You worry about family money - either by talking about it or trying to control how it is spent by the elders in your family - 20 Points 
7. If you have parents with money, at some point you begin to push for some kind of control or say in it - 20 Points
8. If you are not financially well off you envy those who are and see them as better than you - If you are financially well off you see those who are not as less than you -
   30 Points 
9. Your self-esteem is tied to how much money you have or don't have - 30 Points
10. If you know wealthy people or people who are celebrities you name drop and call attention to the fact that you know them in your conversations -10 Points
11. You have a fascination and even an obsession with what money can buy or how it can elevate your life 10 Points
12.  The magazines and books you read feature people with wealth or are money magazines such as Money and Forbes - 10 Points

If you score high on this test then money is your God and your addiction and this is not a soulful and balanced way to live.  Now of course, if you have a certain amount of money, what we used to call "being comfortable" or even if you are wealthy like Oprah or Bill Gates this does not mean you have the money disease - you may or may not.  The way to know is to honestly assess your relationship with money.  Use the above list as a test - answer yes to the things that you truly do in terms of money and no to those things you don't do.

People who get a high score on this test are obese with the disease of money just as someone with a food addiction is obese with rolls of fat and clogged up arteries.  The difference is that a food addiction is not pretty to the eye - many of us see these people as gluttons with weak self control.  I see them and those with other addictions as having an unconscious relationship with their souls.  A money addiction, on the other hand does not offend the eye, but it does offend the ear.  People who are focused on money and have conversations that always come back in some way to money are not enjoyable to be around.  They zap the spirit of others with a kind of poisonous gas that leaks out of them from every pore.  Make sure you are not a zapper of energy in this way.  As Martin Luther King once said, "It's the content of one's character that counts, not the color of one's skin."  Well, I say, it's the content of one's character and not the number on your bank statement that says what kind of person you really are, so take this quiz and see how you're doing.

Scoring:  This test is worth 200 points - the lower your score the better.  Total your score - 200 -170 points major addiction.  150 - Serious addiction.  120 - You need to look at and make changes in your attitude toward money.  100 or less points is in the gray area - I suggest a thoughtful consideration of your beliefs about money.    

Blessings,  Lorraine 

The Secret to Happy Days - Creating Something, Giving Something and Savoring Something

I was watching Tavis Smiley last night on PPS and he was interviewing Graham Nash of the folk rock group Crosby, Stills Nash and Young.  I've always loved their sound but what hit me watching this interview was how happy and just plain good this guy looked.  I don't mean good looking in the sense of a handsome leading man or that he had somehow maintained his good looks over the years, but how good he looked as an individual obviously still happily engaged in life and in his soul's call.  His hair was white but that actually seemed to add to his attractiveness.  He is now 71 and as he said, "I'm busy, busy, busy as ever."

He has just written and published his autobiography, Wild Tales - A Rock and Roll Life and was there to talk to Tavis about the book and of course about his life as a rock and roll star.  It was an interesting interview and if you would like to watch the video or read the transcript here is a link to it.  http://www.pbs.org/wnet/tavissmiley/

But what I want to talk about today is his attitude about life, about music, about art and about living every day feeling blessed and joyous.  You could see this in his demeanor, his smile and his words.  Here was a man living his soul's call and loving every day of it.  This is not to say he has not had some trying times and made some mistakes, I am very sure that he has and that all of his life has not been a bed of roses.  In fact, his father was arrested and put in jail for a year when Graham was thirteen.  He had inadvertently bought a stolen camera from a friend and was unwilling to give up this friend's name to the police when they came calling. This led to the elder Nash's arrest and eventually spending a year in prison.  This had a major impact on the younger Nash but did not after all, cause him to take a dim and negative view of life.

What I got from listening to Graham talk about his life is that he knew the secret to true and lasing happiness. He said that in spite of his tough childhood he had learned that if he did something creative each day and that if he also gave back to the world in some way what he had been given - his music and his photography - this helped to make him a happy man.  He also indicated that he savored his life as it came along and did not spend his time regretting or second guessing himself.   I liked what he had to say and thought I would put my own spin on it and share it with my readers.  I see these three things, creating something everyday, giving something back every day and savoring something to be the secret to living a long, happy and satisfying life, just like the Graham Nash -one of the world's happy people.    .  .

Create Something

We are all creative - every single one of us.  Now this does not mean that we can rival someone like Graham Nash in the songwriting or singing arena or that we are going to give Michael Angelo a run for the prize of grand master of renaissance painting, but we are all creative if we simply allow ourselves to be so.  Maybe what we create is not tangible such as when a manager calls a meeting and brings that meeting to a productive end and everyone leaves the meeting feeling like they accomplished something.  Or let's say you are a teacher and you create a warm and encouraging classroom for your students, or a doctor who sees a patient who is worried about a potential negative diagnosis and the doctor makes sure to create an atmosphere of caring and compassion.  Of course creativity can also be tangible.  The homeowner who plants a garden or mows his lawn and clips the hedges into perfection, this is being creative.  You can also create what most think of when they think about creativity, writing, painting, sculpting, sewing, cooking, singing, playing a musical instrument, acting or any number of other tangible creative activities.  But no matter what it is that you do or would like to do in terms of being creative, the key is to think of yourself as being capable of creating something.  Then to do this every single day, if possible.  If you find yourself, as Graham Nash said, busy, busy, then think about what you could create that would only take a minute of two.  You could smile at the grocery clerk and in so doing create a pleasant moment.  You could let someone in line in front of you on the freeway or merge into the traffic from a side road and create some goodwill.  Or you could open the door for someone, or say hello to a neighbor or any one of a million little random acts of kindness and this will be your creative activity for the day.  And on the days when you have more time, then try your hand at something creative that is more challenging and see what happens. Being creative is one of the things that brings joy and happiness to our days.  It's one of the secrets of happy living.

Give Something 

A second secret to happy living is to be a giving person,  In the above I am talking about creating something and then sharing that with the world and these two things can go together, but not always, sometimes, we just need to give simply to give back to the world what we have been given ourselves.  I am writing this blog and that's my creative thing for today, but I am also giving this to the world out there who either are on my list or who find me via the Internet.  In this way, I am giving, but my goal in writing this blog is both to give and to get; clients, people who buy my book, that sort of thing. So if what you create and then give has another motive such as making money on it -then you need to go one step further and give something else without any thought of return other than making you feel happy.  So it is not enough just to make something creative and give or sell it to someone, you need to also give of yourself.  This is where true happiness comes into play.  If I do something for someone that is unrelated to my work, my art, then this gives me more than just sharing my art.  But it needs to be something you give from the  heart and that has some time and some energy to it.  In other words, simply making monetary donations to charities or causes will not, in general, bring about a sense of personal happiness, whereas doing something specific for someone else, someone in need, someone who could use a helping hand or someone you know who could use a supportive ear or shoulder, this will add to your daily happiness.  When we write checks or do some do good thing that has no personal investment of our selves in terms of time or energy - meaning no real heart for you personally, this then isn't what I'm talking about here.  This kind of thing may make you feel like you're a good guy, but it won't have a lasting effect on your life.in terms of happiness.  For this part of the secret to work you need to go out of your way and do something specific for someone else.  Use your time, your energy and your heart for someone else that really doesn't contribute to you except in this feel good doing it way.  If you do this, along with the creating something and you do this every day in both small and big ways, then your happiness quotient will go way up.

Savor Something

We live in a world of high stress and always being busy getting things done.  It truly can be a rat race, a treadmill or a roller coaster of obligation and commitment.  This is especially true if you still have kids in the nest or a demanding and challenging job or if some other life issue has you on the ropes.  But I am here to tell you that those of you who can stop and savor just one thing each day and do this in a way that brings that thing into your consciousness in a calm and serene way, you will indeed add to your personal happiness.  But what do I mean by savor something?  Savoring means to take your time and really enjoy whatever you choose as your savoring thing.  It could be the smile of your baby, the laughter of kids playing outside, it could be the sunrise or the sunset, it could be your favorite song on the radio or sitting down to a meal and really enjoying and savoring every bite and not rushing through it because you have a report due tomorrow at work and you need to do some more work on it.  This then is the Zen of living.  I have a book that I've had for years called, Chop Wood, Carry Water - basically what it says is that when you are chopping wood, then chop wood, don't think about other things and when you carrying water, just carry the water and let everything else float out of your mind. This is savoring and if we all do this with as many things as we can each day, then this will make a major contribution to our happiness and sense of well being.  Now this does not mean that we don't have times when we have to multi-task - but even with our busy, complex lives, we can stop and savor at least one thing each day. For me it's the one good cup of gourmet coffee I allow myself every morning.  I use real cream in it and I savor that one cup and this gets my day off to a wonderful start.  For you it could be something else.  My daughter who has three children and a job goes for a walk each day alone and savors the time on her own.  When she gets back home she has a million things to do from cooking dinner to making sure the kids do their homework and everyone gets ready for the next day but while she is out on her walk she savors the experience and it lets her get back to her busy life in a more relaxed and capable place.

This then is my gift to you today - the three things, create something, give something and savor something, do these three things and you will see that these really can be the secret to a happy, well lived life.

Blessings, Lorraine 

Five Keys To Becoming Happier, Healthier and More Authentic

Back in 2003 I read a book by Martin Seligman called Authentic Happiness, in it he talks about all the various ways to live an authentically happy life.  I was so impressed with this book that I signed up to take a six month course from him on authentic happiness coaching.  It was an eye opening adventure.  I highly recommend this book, if you have not read it.  One of the most significant concepts in the book is that people who experience a lot of positive emotion and who think in positive ways, live longer, are happier and more satisfied with life than those who have a more negative or pessimistic view on life.  This seems obvious, but is it true?  This is one of those concepts that is difficult to study in a scientific way since there are so many variables, but Seligman found a study that was able to predict who would live a long, happy life and who would either die at a younger age or develop debilitating illnesses and therefore live a less than happy life.  It's called the Nun Study and it was originally was done to study Alzheimer's.  Nuns, by the very nature of their work, their environment, the food they eat and their level of income and the fact that they all begin at the same age and are all female, made this group the perfect group to study.  One of the major clues to how these nuns viewed life was taken from their application to become a non.  In other words, what they wrote about themselves, their families and why they chose to become nouns, gave the researchers clues to what would happen to them down the road.  What they found was that fifty to sixty years later the nuns who had written positive, upbeat and descriptive essays about themselves and what they expected from their lives as nuns, were the very ones who were happier and more satisfied with life and had less health problems than those whose essays were pragmatic and devoid of emotional language.

Positive Emotion - The First Key

Like the Nun Study suggests, if you want to live a long, happy life then you need to think, talk and act in positive and upbeat ways.  What this means is that instead of going around looking for what's wrong in your life, you look for what's right and focus on that.  It means that you pay attention to your self-talk and listen to what you are saying to yourself about your life and your circumstances.  Is your self talk generally positive or is it generally negative or neutral?  Neutral, by the way, is essentially the same as negative since it is not adding to your positive emotion.  One of the things I see about some people is a tendency to put forth a positive self image - on first meeting them or in encounters with them, they begin with a smile but then within a few minutes they are talking about negative subjects or will give you a yes, but, if you talk about something positive.  Ironically, however, if there is something negative going on in your life, it is actually better to begin with that and get it off your chest and then go with a positive smile and say I'm really okay, just had to vent that. First, this doesn't deny what's going on and second it allows you to vent and then to begin problem solving,  So go ahead and bitch, moan and complain about it but then say, yes, but this isn't really all that bad and put a positive spin on it. This can be done even if it's something really negative like an accident or some kind of illness.  Telling yourself and others that this sucks, you're worried about it or scared, but then to look for and think about how this can be a positive thing for you is what positive people do.  You could say to yourself or others, ma ybe there is a message here for me and I'm going to think about it.  If nothing comes to your right away then take some time and let it peculate.  The reason this is better is that it's good to vent our frustrations rather than denying them which is a form of repression and is a poor way to negotiate life.  If, instead you put a positive Polly Anna smile on your face while you are boiling inside or are very fearful, that will come back to bite you.  Or if you pretend to be in a good mood and smile all the time when in reality, you are an unhappy soul, that too will be seen and heard anyway.  Remember, body language tells the real story, not that fake smile on your face.  One of the things about being authentically happy, is that you have to be authentic and if you're angry, scared, depressed or disillusioned but you pretend instead, not to be, this is not authentic, so admit that and then go on to looking for the positive.  If this does not work and you are generally unhappy and frustrated with life, then I suggest some counseling to get at the  dep cause of your unhappiness..  Of course, if something truly tragic happens to you then allow yourself to grieve until you feel you can move on.  You will know when you are ready to do this.    

100% Responsibility  - The Second Key

Whether we like it or not, we are 100% responsible for our lives.  Now, I don't mean that if something tragic happens we caused it or that we are responsible for negative circumstances, things happen, good, bad and ugly.  But we do have 100% responsibility for how we react and deal with these events.  We are responsible for what we do in life and how we manage the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.  In fact, I would say this is the key element in one's character - do we play the blame game or do we get on with doing something that will change our circumstances.  I grew up in a dysfunctional family with no money and lots of chaos but when I was eighteen years old I looked around and told myself that if I didn't get out of there, I'd have the same kind of life. That action put me on a path that I am still on.  So today, look around at your life and if there is something you don't like about it, then get busy doing something to change it.

 Failure is an Opportunity - The Third Key

No matter who you are, you have probably had some failures in your life.  Some people take failures and shove them under the rug and never mention them again to themselves or anyone.  Others think and ruminate on the failure in a never ending cycle of regret and reproach.  Others see the failure as an opportunity.  They look at it and say, what could I do differently this time and they try again. They look back on the failure and  ask themsleves to identify what made it a failure, but also, what was right with it but maybe just needed some tweaking.  They then decide which things they can keep and which ones to eliminate.  In this way, they begin again, but this time with insight and expeirce.  As Henry Ford once said, "failure is just a resting place;  It is an opportunity to begin again more intelligently."  So today look at your failures, or those things that did not turn out the way you wanted them to and see what you learned from the experience and what you could do now to make it work or what you could do now to go in a different direction.  .  .  

Purpose - Serving a Greater Good - The Fourth Key

If you want to live a happy, healthy and authentic life then you need to be doing something that serves the greater good.  We are not animals who spend their time eating, sleeping, procreating and playing - they have no other purpose than that.  They don't think, contemplate or create things - they simply live and die doing the same things over and over again.  Now some of you animal lovers may say that they serve us humans by giving us pleasure and that is true, but they themselves don't decide to do this, humans make the decision to enjoy animals whether they are domesticated or wild.  But we humans have the big brain and this allows us to do more with our lives than animals can.  We can use our brains for the greater good or we can live like the animals do and simply further our own petty little wants and needs.  I believe, and so do most of our great thinkers, that humans need to serve a higher purpose than just taking care of ourselves.

When you have purpose in your life and that purpose serves a greater good, then like those nuns, the happy, long lived ones, you will live, in most cases, a long and satisfying life.  But what does serving the greater good really mean?  It means that what you do, particularly your work, career or a passionate cause, needs to be a positive contribution to the planet and the people on this planet.  If what you do detracts or is a negative influence or a drain on society then it's not a contribution to the greater good.  It can be anything in the world of work or the world of our society, from business to education to government and politics.  It can feed people's bodies, minds and souls or it can provide creature comforts or entertainment.  As long as it fits into the great puzzle of life in a positive way, then it will serve the greater good.  It also has to serve the individual who is doing it, that too is part of the greater good. If what you are working at is something you hate, or that brings stress and pain into your life,  then no matter if the end product contributes to the greater good, if it's not contributing to your own greater good, then you need to find something that will.

According to Erik Erikson, the human development theorist, and my own research and experience with my clients, especially those in midlife, the challenge is to become a person who gives back what you have been given and if you don't do this, then you will become a person who is stagnant.  As Erikson, said  "Adults (45 and beyond) need to create or nurture things that will outlast them, often by having children or creating positive change that benefits other people.  Success leads to feelings of usefulness and accomplishment, while failure results in shallow involvement in the world."  So begin today to see if you can come up with something you can do that will contribute to the greater good and will also leave some legacy of your life here on earth.

Gratitude - The Fifth Key

To truly live out your life feeling positive, happy, satisfied and gratified that you have lived a life of honor and value, you need to have this last key as part and parcel of that life.  To be thankful, grateful and humble about a well lived life and not thinking you did it all yourself and you deserve all the credit, is to live a life feeling entitled and arrogant.  Believe me, that is not a positive and gratifying  place to be.  But with gratitude you will live a more soulful life and as all of you know, I'm all about living the soulful life.  So why be grateful?  Here are some things that gratitude will bring into your life.  Gratitude allows you to celebrate the present and it magnifies positive emotion - which is the first key to happiness and success in life as I said.  Gratitude blocks toxic, negative emotions such as envy, resentment, regret, emotions that can destroy our happiness.  Grateful people have a higher but humble sense of self-worth because they know they did not do it all themselves.  They know and will give credit to either God or the Universe for their gifts and talents. They know that although they may have honed their gifts and talents, they did not earned them outright.  They believe that either God or some other unknowable force blessed them with these gifts and talents.  They also know that some circumstances were afforded them that they also did not earn and therefore they feel blessed in this way as well.  Barack Obama was blessed with high intelligence, charisma, and he was born at the perfect time in history for a black man to run for president.  If he had been born even ten years earlier, the opportunity would simply not have been there for him to do this.  And last but not least, grateful people are simply nicer and easier to be around and so they have more friends, better relationships and more positive work.  This makes them happier, more successful and a lot more satisfied and gratified than those who are not grateful.

Blessing, Lorraine







 

Are You Following Your Own Star?

Who are you?  Why are you here?  What is the purpose of your life?  Some deep questions for a Monday morning, but one's I too, am asking myself this very day.  But the truth is we all need to ask ourselves these questions as we go along.  Not every day of course, that would indeed be too much navel gazing and we would not get anything done if we did that.  But every so often we need to take some time and reflect on our lives and make sure we are following our own star and not simply going along to get along.  Because if we don't we can get caught up in the swift current of mainstream culture.  You know what I mean - we live in a world of technology which will tell us what to do, what to think about, where to go, who to go there with and what to think about when we get there.  You name the question and the media will give you an answer.  But only you can answer the question, are you following your own star?

Do the Love it, Loath it, Live With it Exercise

Here's an idea for you.  For the next week use a notebook to record everything you do.  From getting up in the morning to going to bed at night, what did you do?  Break it down into one hour periods - if you are an average person in terms of your schedule then that would break down into about 16 hours - I'm using a 7 am to 10 pm time slot.  You will need a spiral notebook to record your days.  Use one page for each day and put the date at the top.  Then put the sixteen timeslots, for the entire week from Monday - Sunday.  Each night before you go to sleep jot down what you did in each of these time slots.  Just write it down - don't make any judgments about what you did.  Just write it down.

Then on the next Monday night instead of continuing to write down what you did - look through your week and put a notation by each thing.  Put an L1 for everything that you did that you loved doing.  Then go through you list and put an L2 next to those things you loathed doing.  Then go through your list again and put an L3 for those things you can live with, in other words you don't love doing them but they are necessary tasks that simply have to be done and you're okay with doing them, in other words you can live with them.

Now count up all the L1's, L2's and L3's.  Make a heading for each and put the actual number of hours under each heading.  By the way, your total hours for the week should be 112 hours.  If you are following your own star then the L1's should add up to about 80% and the L2's another 10-15% and the L3's should be no more than 5%.or less.

But what if your numbers are not even close to this ideal?   The first question to ask yourself is how typical was this week? We all have weeks, no matter how much we might be following our own star, when life is just a messy, messy, mess.  If this the case for you for the week you recorded, then start over. Use a week that is typical. for you that you remember well.  Go back through your memory and pick one or you can simply do the exercise again the next week.

What If My Numbers Are Only 50 - 50? - Time to Do a Trade Off 

If your numbers are off - that is, it's more of a 50-50 deal - you love 50% and hate 50% of what you are now doing with your time and energy.  Or even worse, it's 20% you love and 80% you loath?  If it's the first - a 50-50 deal then you might begin to think about how you could change this.  Maybe someone else could do a trade off with you to do the things you loath.  Remember, we are all different and have different skills, talents and gifts and what I hate to do you may love to do.  Maybe you could do a trade off with someone in your family or work group.

If You Loath 80% - Then it's Time to Reflect and Come Up With a Plan

But maybe it's more like 80% of what you do in your waking hours you loath and only 10-20% you love or can live with.  If this is the case then you have some questions to ask yourself.  One of the questions you can ask yourself is can I, at this time, live a life following my own star?  Be honest with yourself - maybe you have obligations at this time that simply prevent you from making a big change in your life.  If you have children still in the nest and have to work at a job that provides for the family but is not ideal for you, then what could you do now to put a channel in place to change this down the road?  How can you begin to plan for a different kind of life in the future?  Is there someone in your life now who could help you with this?

We All Need to Be Able to Imagine a Rainbow

What I know about human nature is that without the promise of a rainbow, if we live in a dark and wet place all the time, or a dry and desolate place and believe me if you loath 80% of what you do each day, then that is not going to be a place of rainbows and sunshine.  What you need is the promise of a rainbow and the only way to get that, if you are in the place of not being able to change your life right now, is to begin to plan for a better deal down the road.  In the movie, An Officer and a Gentleman, the main character is telling a woman he just met that he's not sure he'll make it through the basic training to become a pilot and she tells him, "You have to see it to believe it". .The same is true here - you have to come up with a vision and then a plan hat allows you to see this vision, in order to make yourself believe you can change your life so you can follow your own star.

Do Something Everyday to Put Your Plan in Motion

Regardless of what it is that you want to do to follow your own star, begin today to do something to get that going in your life.  Here are some ideas:

1. Do some research into your star's focus
2. Join an organization that supports your star
3. Find like minded people and create a Mastermind group
4. Begin taking magazines related to your star
5. Go online and find a supportive communitiy and join the discussion
6. Find someone doing what your star wants you to do and interview them
7. Create a treasure map - this is a visual image of what your star wants you to do
8. Begin to talk about yourself as already doing your star's bidding 
9. Post affirmations around your home and office about your star
10. Act as if you are already doing your star's bidding by putting down the foundation

Meanwhile keep the faith - we must have faith that we can follow our own star and in the process of believing, it will happen.

Blessings, Lorraine 

How Will You Live Your Possibility Years?

In my book, Second Act Soul Calls - Your Guide for the Re-invention of Your Life at Midlife and Beyond with Passion, Purpose and Possibilities I make the case against conventional retirement and instead suggest that since we are all living an extra twenty or thirty years longer than our parents generation that we need to think of these years as our Possibility Years.  I call them this because of the gifts our generation has been given.  Most of us will this have extra time, a secure income - income from several sources including Social Security and investments - and we will have energy due to all the medical and other breakthroughs that have become the norm in recent times.  In addition, most of us by the time we reach our possibility years will no longer have children in the nest or continuing responsibilities for them, at least not in terms of significant time, energy or money.

Time - Money - Energy - What Will You Do with These Gifts?

To continue to use a paradigm that was put in place when people retired and lived only a few more years and in fact, in most cases, could no longer work due to poor health, is to disregard the vitality and value of those who are now reaching retirement age or who are already there and particularly those who are now in midlife and beginning to think and plan for this time of life.  The social program that spawned retirement was created as a stop-gap measure between frail old age and death.  According to The New York Times the idea of retirement as an official governmental program didn't come along until the mid 1930's.  Before that everyone worked until they dropped or moved in with family.  But in 1935 President Roosevelt initiated official retirement. But in modern times, should able bodied people live out the last twenty or thirty years of their lives on a perpetual vacation or is there a better way?  I wrote my book to get people at midlife and beyond to look at this time of life in a new way.  I see this extra time and the money and energy that usually comes along with it as a gift, one that could actually be lived with passion and  purpose. I see this as a gift since we are then given this second chance to do something soulful with our lives, something meaningful and with purpose and to do it for the greater good and that something is some kind of work.. 

The Seven Possible Paths to Follow in the Possibility Years 

When it comes to planning for the Possibility Years its best to start on this at midlife, whether this means you actually figure out your soul's call then and get to it or you begin at that point to move in that direction. What I have found working with people is that the kind of work one does in these years comes in seven basic categories:  

1. Artistic - Music, Dance, Painting, Sculpture, Writing, Singing and other Creative Endeavors
2. Hands on - Fixing, Maintaining and Building Things
3. Passionate Causes - Environmental, Social, Community, World and Health
4. Politics - Running for Office, Being on Boards and Working on Campaigns
5. Entrepreneurial - Starting Your Own Business or Aligning with Others to Create One
6. Education - Teaching and Mentoring - Children and Adults
7. Consultants - Business and Other Organizations

What I also know is that each of us has a style of interacting.  According to one personality instrament, the Myers Briggs Type Indicator these styles are:  

1. Chart the Course
2. Get Things Going
3. In Charge
4. Behind the Scenes

Depending on which one you are, you may take the bull by the horns and chart the course - these are the big picture folks, or you  find something that inspires you and get it going for yourself and others - these are the inspiring and encouraging folks, or you might be in charge once it is going - these are the get things done through others or on their own folks, or you work quietly behind the scenes - these are the worker bees and keep the planes running on time folks.  Either way, there is a place for each of us in the six areas I have mentioned.

In addition to these areas you may continue to work in your chosen profession - as I have mentioned before some people continue to work at their profession until the end, but most of these are people who either own the company themselves such as doctors, lawyers and other professionals, or are  independent agents such as actors, politicians and those in sports.

Today is the Day to Start Planning For The Possibility Years 

With this extra time, money and energy we need to listen for the call of our soul's and take some action.  But what action is that?  Look at the seven areas of work I have mentioned and the four interaction syles and see if something jumps out at your.  Remember, the soul speaks in a soft voice and leads you in a direction more than it will give you a concrete answer right away.  If you are still in your first act and I define that as being at the beginning or at the height of it but not in a place to actually start living out your possibility years, then it's time to start planning for it.  In stead of focusing on retirement planning where it's all about fun and play, how about thinking about how you could set up your life to do some kind of meaningful work - that is, your soul's call and one with a certain amount of pleasure and fun, as well. I want to be clear here too, a soul call is about some kind of work - work that contributes, work that challenges you, work that makes a difference in some way to the greater good.  Calling for me is about vocation and not simply the little calls that come our way everyday.  This work of course, does  not have to be paid work or work that is some kind of job designed by someone else - but it could be - just because you are called to it does not mean you do it for free - you might and you might not, the key is that your soul calls you to it and that it makes a difference.  If you are already retired or about to be and wondering what's next I suggest spending some time listening for your soul's call and figuring out some ways to act on it.

Work and Play in Balance Equal the Possibility Years 

There is an old saying, that says, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy/"  A new one I have come up with is, "All play and no work makes Jack a dumb boy"  The brain needs challenges or it will recede into the background - the old "use it or lose it" idea is more true here than in any other aspect of life.  Using your brain will activate your working memory so that when you are doing something that challenges you and you are not simply on autopilot, this will keep your mind sharp.  What this means is it needs to be some kind of work.  Work is what keeps you sharp and on top of things, playing and being on vacation does not do that. But we also need play as well, for me the best idea is a 50-50 split - work fifty percent of the time and do pleasurable activities the other fifty.  

Change Your Mindset to the Possibility years

In many, many ways it's all about mindset and how you think of yourself and what you say.  The minute you say out loud to yourself or someone else, that you are retired, your mind and the people who hear you say this will automatically put you in a category and that category is you no longer count. Saying you are retired means to you and everyone else that you are done and are now sitting on the sidelines of life. I'm sorry to say it this way, but it is simply the truth. BB King was on a talk show recently and the interviewer asked him about retirement and he said, "What ?  I don't know what that word means."   They both laughed and that was the message - if want to count and still be doing your thing at close to 90,like BB King, well, then you better get that word out of your conscious mind and put a new one in.  I call it the possibility years and I am in the midst of my own right now and having a ball.  What about you?  Are you planning for your possibility years or planning to be put yourself out to pasture?  Something to think about.

Blessings,  Lorraine 











  

Do What You Love Even If Some Don't Approve

Recently I experienced a review of my book which was framed in what appeared to be a positive tone and the reviewer gave me four stars out of five, but which felt none the less, a bit nasty in parts.  I thought this person was my friend, but what she said didn't feel friendly.  It felt snarky - like she wanted to dismiss me and my writing but didn't have the nerve to do it directly.  And in fact in a private email to me she said I was an amazing counselor and psychotherapist but not a writer.

Of course, being the introspective person that I am I spent a good amount of time thinking about this and wondering what it meant.  I asked myself, am I fooling myself, am I better suited to sitting one-one-one with people and I should give up the idea of being a writer?  But as I went about my business the next day, I happened to come across this poem, So You Want to Be a Writer, by Charles Bukowski.  Read it at:  http://www.writerscircle.com/page/3/   I love this poem.  The very first line says, "If it doesn't come bursting out of you in spite of everything, don't do it."  Well this book came bursting out of me once I got the idea to do it and my determination to write it never wavered.  Reading this line validated me as a writer and I realized that my so called friend probably had her own agenda for what she wrote. In writing my book, I did not rewrite it over and over again and maybe that made it less than perfect for the reviewers out there like her,  but it was a labor of love and done to inspire and encourage those who need the kind of encouragement I write about in the book.  It was not written to impress the critics or those who call themselves book reviewers and editors.  And if I did not choose all the most perfect words and rambled a bit here there - so be it - I loved writing my book and I love how it turned out.  I am a writer and no one, not some reviewer or some wanna be writer, or anyone with an opinion, gets to tell me I'm not. I have read my share of books that I didn't think were all that well written or which had banal and predictable points of view, but that is my opinion and obviously there were others who thought otherwise or I would never have even seen the book in print.  I also know that if you are called to do something, as I feel I am regarding writing. then you do the best you can and if it comes from your heart and soul, then in my opinion, that's good enough. Plus, I don't believe that writing a self help book, is about being the best writer, it's about encouraging, inspiring and helping others to see the world in a different way and if you can do that, then you're a writer in my opinion.     

There Will Always Be Critics

But this blog is for you so how can this incident have meaning for you? Since this blog is about what I am calling the Renaissance Way, a way of living that is about giving birth to your true self, it occurs to me that you too will experience critical reviews of your ideas, your way of living, your work, your interest, your neighborhood and your call, whatever it might be.  You name it and there will be someone who will tell you it's not right, it's not the thing for you to be doing and they will give you both verbal and non verbal indications of their displeasure.   They might even write it up and post it on the Internet - social media being what it's turning out to be these days.  But here is what you should know, believe and have faith in your thing, your call, your mission in life. If you love it, if you feel energized when you do it, if you can get into a sense of flow where you lose track of time, then this is your thing, or your soul call, as I call it in my book, and no critic has a right to tell you not to do it.

Find or Create Your Own Pack

Sometimes in doing our soul's call, we have to move away from those who don't support us.  In so doing we must find our own pack,  You must find the people who do like what you are doing, who do approve of it and then engage with them and let the nay sayers go find their own pack.  If you don't know anyone right away who connects with you on this love of yours, then start looking for them.  Create a group yourself, join one that is already in place,  take a class on your thing and engage with the other students - look for a meeting of the minds and avoid those who seem competitive and un-supportive, even if they are doing the same thing you are doing or who give lib service but who you know in your heart don't support you or don't care.  Find the folks that care - that's where the juice for your thing will be.  .

Go Where You Bare the Most Fruit

Market yourself and your work/love/passion/soul call to those who want it, need it and will appreciate it.  If you get a lukewarm response from people about your thing, then move away from them even if they look on the surface like the perfect customer.  In fact, I would say that a lukewarm response is the worst kind of response, it's worse than a negative response.

Let me give you an example.  Let's say you go out looking for a job - you get three calls and have three interviews.  One asks you a question about a particular thing and you say unfortunately you have no experience in that.  Up until this question all was going well in the interview but once the hiring manager hears you say you don't know anything about this thing - he ends the interview and tells you that they need someone with this particular experience.   This is an example of a no thank you response.

In the second interview, you answer all the questions right and you can tell the hiring manager likes you because she starts saying we or you would be doing this or that and smiles at you and you can feel it - the job is yours.  This is an example of a yes, response.

The third interview is the worst kind because from the moment you enter the interview room you have no idea whether the hiring manager likes you, hates you or is going to hire his cousin and is only going through the motions with you because some higher up said he had to interview a certain number of candidates.  This then is the lukewarm or neutral response.  You don't want to accept this job even if for some reason they decide to hire you.

People who give off lukewarm or neutral responses will continue to do this all along and you will eventually feel devalued and depressed.  The same is true of your calling - go with the yes, accept the no and run like hell from the lukewarm.  Only shriveled and sickly fruit will be had with these folks.  Find people who give you an upbeat, positive and excited response and who want to get to know you and your thing and love it. These people will help you produce/bare a whole lot of fruit.  Stick with them.

Have Faith and Stay on Your Path

We are all called to a certain path in life, of course we may have to stop and listen for our soul's call, but no matter who you are, you have a right and even a duty to hear that call and act on it.  You then need to have faith in it even if it's difficult.  It's very important that you don't allow anyone else to tell you your path is not the right one for you.  Now I am not saying that we don't sometimes get off on a path that isn't right..  All you have to do is watch American Idol to see this - some of the people who audition for that show  have zero singing talent, but somehow they get on the show and then make fools of themselves.  I think they just want to be rich and famous.

But I do not believe anyone reading my blog is in that category.  I believe my readers are mature and sensible people and are not going off on some fantasy "call" that is not real for them,  In fact, what I would say is that things like the review that happened to me are actually part and parcel of the process of hearing your call and going on a journey to act on that call.  It is simply one of the many tests of your faith and belief in your call.  It's the heroes journey and we will be tested, tempted and in some cases treated badly by what we encounter on the path - what we need to do is recognize these challenges and not allow ourselves to waver.

So that's what I'm doing - I am seeking out others who value my work, I am having faith in it and I am remaining true to my call.  I hope you will do the same.

Blessings, Lorraine  

What Banner Would You Carry?

One of the things I notice about life is that there are a lot of things out there to be passionate about, a lot of things to believe in or not to believe in and we are bombarded on a daily basis with information and passionate pleas to believe in this thing or that thing and to take action in support of these various ideas. The culture as a whole also leans on us to view things in a certain way.  There are more shoulds out there than one could possible believe in and do, and stay sane.

There is also great pressure to choose sides. Democrats want you to believe one thing and they have their supporters and their mouth pieces - so too the Republicans.  There are health and fitness experts telling us how to eat, what to eat and what kind of exercise is best for us.  Then there are all the medical interventions and pills and potions we are told to take to live our most healthy life.  We are told to get this test or get on that program and if we don't the message is that we will be sorry.  There are financial experts who tell us what to invest in, when to begin investing - immediately, of course - and what will befall us if we don't.  We are told which schools to enroll our kids in and what these kids need to study in order to be successful later on.  And speaking of kids, we are told how to raise them, that is, what to do and what not to do, in endless varieties of  theories and programs.  We are even told what church to go to and what beliefs to adhere to if we are to be a good person.  Everyone has an opinion and even my Facebook page is now rife with political, health and fitness and other passionate calls for action.  If you are living in the modern world, that is, if you are hooked up, plugged in and on top of technology, then you simply cannot escape being told what to think and do.  It's incessant and unrelenting.

But Don't Let the Media Should on You

Life, at this time is complex - no doubt about that - and if we don't make some considered choices along the way, we will indeed lose our way.  It's time to think about what we really believe in, what we know for sure and what banner we would be willing to carry.  I call it carrying a banner because what you believe in strongly enough to carry a banner for it, that is, march in a parade, defend your position in a debate or use some of your time and money to support it, is your banner to carry.  If you are not quite ready to carry a banner for it then in my considered opinion, it's time to let that thing go or to do some research until you are willing to let it go or carry that banner.  This is not easy.  Doing research and deciding for yourself is, well, let's face it, hard work and time consuming, but what it does do for you is build your foundation of beliefs so that you can negotiate the world in a more satisfying and gratifying way.

The Good Opinion of Others is Not Important

One of the things many of us fall victim to is wanting to please people, Oprah called this " The Disease to Please" and it is a rampant problem in our culture.  Everyone wants to be popular and have lots of friends and be a part of a group.  Belonging is part of human nature and so we join the Democratic or the Republican party, most of the time because our parents belonged.  We send our kids to a certain school because that's what people in our neighborhood do and we live in a neighborhood with people like us and buy similar cars and clothes in order to fit in.  We want people to like us but we will settle for their approval instead.  But in truth, the person who needs to approve of us and like us, is ourselves.  If I only do what I do to get approval and to be liked by my friends and neighbors at some point this begins to make me feel hollow and fake.  And low and behold, most people really don't like or respect fake, hollow people.  What most people like and respect is someone who is true to his or her own values, beliefs and standards.  They may not agree, but they will respect you, particularly if you are congruent with how you live your life.

Walking Your Talk and Carrying Your Banner

One of the hardest things to do in life is to be true to your beliefs if they do not fit with the mainstream.  This is why so many people go along to get along.  It's simply easier, at first, but is disheartening in the long run. So today, I want you think about all the things you now do and think you believe in and ask yourself, would I march for this, would I carry a banner for this down the street of my neighborhood or in the state capitol? Am I a card carrying member of this club and would I be proud to show my card to anyone?  . If you are not willing to do these things, then it is time to reflect on your true views on which ever of your current "beliefs" you're not sure of and then do some research. One great thing about the media and the Internet is is is filled with information.  We need to sort through it and find people we trust and read what they have to say.  Do they support their claims with real evidence or do they just make claims?   And if what they claim, like this blog, does not lend itself to scientific research, does what they say ring true for you?  Is the person making the claim walking their own talk, that is, do they have proof of the pudding?   If all they are doing is making claims and selling products and services, then I'd say find another expert.

So today I ask you to think about what banner you would be willing to carry and to research and sort through those that you are not sure about.  Once you have your list of those things you would be willing to carry a banner for, you will begin to live your beliefs and that in and of itself will be your banner.  In other words, you will walk your talk and your life will be your banner.  .

Blessings, Lorraine 

Archie Manning - A Second Act Hero

One of the things I know for sure is we are all gifted and talented - every single one of us.  But we live in a world where it's all about whose at the top of the gifted and talented hierarchy.    The Top Gun, the winner of American Idol, the Heisman Trophy winner, the Home Coming Queen, the CEO of a fortune 500 company, the Top Banana, the Alpha Dog , King of the Hill,  you name it we have a phrase for it - mostly we call these people winners.  But what about everyone else - if you are not on top, does that mean you are a loser and your life will be meaningless - well, of course not.  Archie Manning never won a single season - he won some games of course, we all do, but he never had a winning season, he didn't go to the Super Bowl and left the league after 13 years a kind of also ran.  But his second act would tell a different story.  Stay tuned.

His Name Rings a Bell 

I'm not a big football fan, but of course over the years, I've watched my share of football games, so last night while channel surfing I came across a show about the Manning brothers, I decided to watch.  Since Payton Manning is the new quarterback for the Denver Broncos, I was interested in finding out about his family.  It was called The Book of Manning and was about the Manning family, those Titans of football - Payton, and Eli but also about their big brother Cooper and their father Archie.  Now, as I said I am not a big football fan, and so I'm sure that some of you, maybe even most of you, already know this story of the Manning brothers but I didn't.  Anyway, as I am watching it they begin to talk about Archie Manning, the father - I think to myself - that name sounds familiar.  So I pay closer attention.  As I am watching it I see that Archie Manning was also a pro football player back in the 70's and  80's.  Of course I was married then and my husband was a big fan and being the good wife I watched along with him.  So when they began talking about Archie Manning and his football career, I remembered him.

Never a Winning Season But A Second Act Hero 

He played for the New Orleans Saints and two other NFL teams.  Although Archie won several football honors, and played outstanding ball for Old Miss, his pro career was fraught with all kinds of troubles.  He played for ten years with the Saints and a few more unexciting years with those other teams, but he never had a winning season and retired after 13 years in the NFL.  What I would have called before I saw this show, a ne'er do well forgotten football player.  Boy was I wrong! But not about football - about who he was as a person.

The Mistakes and Loses of the Father's Made Right by the Sons

Archie's father was a distant and not very available father, who, when Archie was in his freshmen year at Old Miss, committed suicide and when Archie came home to visit he found his dad dead of a gunshot to the head.  This left a mark on Archie and when he and his wife had three sons, Archie began to use his gifts of attention, love and his skill as a football player to teach his boys all about how football,  teamwork and winning at life go together..  I believe that Archie Manning's true gifts and talents and the content of his character are about being there as a father.  He always put his family first and he taught his own sons to do the same.  He mentored his own children and other young people as well and continues to do so today.  He was an exemplary football player, but not a winning one, but as a father he is an all time winner. I believe Archie Manning's second act was and is his most soulful and important one.  He uses his gifts, his talents and his character to be the man his own father never was  When I looked into his face last night watching him on television, I saw a man who was happy and satisfied with his life.  I see him as an inspiration.  I hope you will too.

The Legacy Continues 

So if you are looking for inspiration and how to live the second act of your life with passion, purpose and possibilities, then look no further than Archie Manning and his sons Cooper, Eli and Payton - Cooper played football as well and was quite talented but was diagnosed with spinal stenosis, a condition that prevented him from continuing to play football - but he made a success out of himself in other ways and is like his father Archie, he sees his family as primary.

Let's Watch Some Football 

You can tune in to see Payton and Eli play football on Sunday's and on Monday Night Football and you can catch the ESPN special again on the dates below.

Blessings, Lorraine 

Friday Sept 27, 6:30 PM ESPNU -Friday 10:00 PM ESPN Classic -Saturday Sept 28, 1:00 AM -SPN Classic -Saturday 2:30 AM ESPNU - Saturday 7:00 AM ESPNU -Saturday 7:00 PM ESPN Classic - Saturday 10:00 PM ESPN Classic - Sunday Sept 29, 1:00 AM ESPN Classic - Sunday 7:00 PM ESPNU - Sunday 8:30 PM ESPN Classic -Sunday 11:30 PM ESPN Classic

Are You Just Swimming Laps or On a Quest?

I read this wonderful and truly profound book a few years ago called, Healing the Soul in the Age of the Brain, by Elio Frattarolli, MD, a psychiatrist.. In  it the author talks about the two basic ways to live your life - the swimming pool or the quest.   He says that some people get up everyday and simply go to the pool and swim laps.  Other people see life as a journey to find the true meaning of their lives by going on a quest.  He uses the example of teaching his young son how to ride a bicycle.  He says that the only way to learn to ride a bike is to be willing to fall down a lot - therefore falling down is good, but that many people, once they hit adulthood, don't like the idea of falling down and adopt the philosophy of falling down is bad, but that in life lived as quest, falling down is good.  He calls the falling down is good philosophy the quest and the falling down is bad, the swimming pool  Here's what he says in his book about these two idea:

The Swimming Pool 

"According to the swimming-pool philosophy, the purpose of life is to stay afloat, to function smoothly, maintain the equilibrium of the status quo.  Bumping into other swimmers is to be avoided as much as possible.  In other words, falling down is bad."

This is the view that many of mainstream society takes.  Most people believe that by the time they get to midlife they are done with learning and growing.  By this time most people feel that you "should" be pretty good at what you do, that is, swimming laps.  If you are bumping into other people as you swim your laps or are hitting your head on the end of the pool as you make your turn, then something must be wrong with you, therefore falling down in this view is bad and you are not a successful person.

The Quest 

According to Frattarolli, "...the quest is symbolized by the Arthurian myth of the quest for the grail. The quest is an adventurous seeking of a higher or better state.  According to the quest philosophy, the purpose of life is to pursue this higher state - enlightenment, wisdom, self-actualization - by progressing through a series of difficult, dangerous trails.  The successful mastery of each trial brings the seeker to the next level in his or her gradual ascent toward the ultimate goal, which, though it maybe be unattainable, is inherently worth pursuing.  But the process of undergoing a trail inevitable involves some error.  You can't find your way to a higher level without learning from your missteps. Falling down therefore is good."  

My own book, Second Act Soul Calls - Your Guide for the Re-Invention of Your Life at Midlife and Beyond with Passion, Purpose and Possibilities  is of course about living life on a quest. In it I talk about wrong turns and mistakes and how these are there to teach you something about what your soul has in mind for you and that to ignore these or to deal with them as simply the random happenings of life will in the long run make you miserable.  In other words, bumping into other people in the pool of life or bumping your head on the concrete is a message from your soul and not just some random accident.

But the mainstream view holds that to have good solid self-esteem it's not good to look at these things as anything but random accidents.  The mainstream view and what I have come to see as the swimming pool view is to fix them, if it is in your power to do so, or ignore them or pay more attention while swimming your laps each day.  Learning something from these "falling down"  experiences is not part of the swimming pool view of life, except in a way that is very external to you such as not marrying someone again like your ex wife, not taking a job with the same kind of company or by going on a health kick when you have a health scare.  No one using this philosophy looks any deeper than these superficial  ways of dealing with a fall.

In the Swimming Pool - Personal Growth Ends at Adulthood

In the swimming pool most people consider themselves fully grown and done with developmental issues somewhere in their thirties and certainly by their forties. When I was in private practice if someone came to see me in midlife, he or she rarely talked to me about what they needed to learn in order to grow.  Mostly what they talked about was all the other people and circumstances that were causing them trouble.  In many cases, if not almost all of them, the person saw their troubles not as learning experiences but as circumstances beyond their control, but as I would tell them, "Everywhere you go, there you are."  In other words, in almost all cases the common denominator in someone's life problems, is them.  A person can quit their job, find a new girlfriend, divorce their spouse or go find a new pool to swim in but if they don't learn from the experience that created the problem in the first place, then it's bond to happen again - we either learn from out experiences or we are doomed to repeat them or live a life of avoidance and limits.  Time to look at life as a quest.

When You're on a Quest - Learning and Growing Last a Lifetime

If you have not lived your life as quest, then along about midlife you will get a wake-up call from your soul. This is your second chance to live your life in a more meaningful and purposeful way, that is, on a quest. By midlife, discontent begins to set in - you're pretty tired of getting into that pool and doing the same thing day after day.  You feel the need for some adventure - something new - something more meaningful than just swimming laps everyday.  But then maybe not - some people never get out of  the pool.  Or you see the discontent as needing a solution and so you get busy seeing what you can do to get into a bigger pool or maybe a smaller one. But if you truly want to live a meaningful and purposeful life then this is the time to let your soul have its say and not your ego.  If this sounds daunting to you then you might like to take my 12 week online course about this very thing, or read my book or call me for some one-on-one mentoring - I've had my moment of discontent and I have found the holy grail of my life and it is to help others do the same. So give me a call - 303-273-5589 - or check out my website at www.lorrainebanfield.com.  Maybe it's time to sit on the side of the pool and ponder all this, what do you think?

Blessings, Lorraine.