The Powerful But Difficult Task of Forgiveness

Recently I ran into an old neighbor of mine, someone that at one time I spent a lot of time with talking and reviewing our respective lives and often our divorces. This woman is quite a bit older than me and at first I had seen her as a kind of second mother to me since my own mother had passed away, but as I got to know her I realized that in many ways she was not a nurturing person as she had too much venom hiding just beneath the surface of her smiling demeanor. She was angry, bitter and often depressed by how her life had turned out. She held a major grudge against her ex husband who had cheated on her and treated her in ways that made her feel hurt and wounded.

When I saw her this time I asked her how she was doing. She told me that she was “Bad, bad, bad” – her way of telling me that she was depressed again. I talked to her a little bit about this and tried to give her some encouraging words. As we chatted she asked me what I had been up to and I told her about writing my book and how recently my ex husband and his significant other had given me a party to celebrate the publication of it. He had invited our children, their spouses and the grand children. I told her it was a wonderful party and how I felt loved and valued by them.

Her response to this at first was that she thought this was great but then she said that my situation was very unusual and then went on about how most people could not and would not have the kind of relationship we had, that this just was not possible for most divorced people. At this point she began talking about her ex husband, who by the way has been gone to the great beyond for at least 30 years – this woman is in her late 80’s – and how she simply could not forgive him for what he had done to her.

Forgiveness Is Not Condoning 

I then talked to her about forgiveness and how it was not a condoning of the person’s actions but a letting go of the anger, hurt and bitterness. I let her know that I knew this was not easy and often took some time – several years in many cases, but that eventually, if you do not forgive, that is, let go of the pain and bitterness and move on, this lack of forgiveness will both run and ruin your life and not only will you be a victim of whoever hurt you, but now you will be a victim of your own thoughts and feelings - a double whammy if there ever was one.

What I saw with this woman, and I would like for you to think about this in relation to your own life, is that her anger and resentment about her ex husband was part of her story and she regaled in telling it. She often used it to garner sympathy and used it as Carolyn Myss in her book Why People Don’t Heal, called a type of currency. She used it to get attention and to feel validated. She became a martyr. But now in the late stages of her life she was no longer getting much from telling this story, everyone had heard it and most of us, me included, had a kind of so what attitude. Since almost everyone has been hurt in one way or another by someone or some thing, who wants to hear the same old story, over and over and over again – not only was she getting older and moving into despair, her story had grown old and stale as well. She needed to forgive him and let go or she would leave this earth a miserable and angry person.

Integrity Vs. Despair

Erikson in his stages of growth and development calls this last stage of life Integrity vs. Despair. He says you have two choices in each stage of human development – the positive life affirming choice or the one that will cause you to live a dysfunctional life. But don’t wait until you are at the tail end of your life like this woman is, instead begin today to forgive and let go of what has hurt you in your past. You can take your time with it, but your goal needs to be to get to a place of forgiveness. So sit down and write out a letter to whoever has wronged you. Spell in out in as much detail as you want – use cuss words if that makes you feel better and then burn that letter. Or keep it for a little while longer – but don’t mail it, and then at some point burn or destroy it.

Put Them on Trial and Then Pardon Them

Another way to go through the process of forgiveness is to put the person on trial, metaphorically speaking. As Scott Peck has said “You can not pardon someone for a crime he has not committed. Only after a guilty verdict can there be a pardon.” This process involves making sure the person actually committed this crime against you. But do this on your own – don’t involve others, except for one witness or possibly a therapist or minister. Write out their offense, gather evidence and then do your own sort of mock trail of them. Once you feel certain they are guilty – let some time pass and then when you feel ready, burn or otherwise destroy all the evidence in a ceremony of forgiveness – if you want to, you can invite a witness to the ceremony, but then once you have done this make a point to consciously move on.

Don't Forget to Forgive Yourself

One other important thing - make sure to forgive yourself as well, particularly in cases where you had a choice to either stay or leave the person or situation.  We often need to forgive ourselves for our part in what happened since many of us have reasons for staying and not seeing what we could have seen had we wanted to or were willing to take the risk to leave.  This is sometimes more difficult than forgiving someone else, if you need help with this you might consider a therapist or a minister.  

The Four Stages of Forgiveness 

Sometimes when something bad happens to us, particularly a hurtful thing done by someone close to us, we want to get over it as quickly as we can and so we rush to forgive them since the conventional wisdom is to do this, just as I am suggesting here.  But it's important to spend some time in grieving what happened and not go too quickly into saying you forgive them - let some time pass, let yourself feel hurt and upset.  This is normal - but then get on with what I have written here.  As Estes said in her book Women Who Run With the Wolves we should, "... Forgo - leave it alone...Forebear...abstain from punishing...Forget - to aver from memory, refuse to dwell and last to Forgive - to abandon the debt."
If you do the things I've talked about above and the ideas of these other writers, then  I guarantee you that your life will begin to feel powerful and energized. 

Blessings, Lorraine

Remember to check out Lorraine’s new book, Second Act Soul Calls – Your Guide for the Re-Invention of your life at Midlife and Beyond with Passion, Purpose and Possibilities – available now on Amazon. 

Ten Signs You’re either a Perennial or Late Bloomer

I saw on my Internet home page a few months ago that Davy Jones, of the 60’s band the Monkey’s, died of a heart attack – he was 66.  That’s a good twenty to thirty years earlier than the average baby boomer.  The 66 year old's I know are in excellent health and are very interested and involved in life.  What happened to Jones?  That’s a good question and one that I probably will never know, but what I do know is that being a late bloomer, that is someone who continues to grow and develop and yes bloom late in life, or those who are perennial bloomers, the ones who have been blooming all along, are the ones who have the last laugh and enjoy life well into their 80’s, 90’s and beyond.  I have identified ten things that separate the early bloomers who die young and the perennial and late bloomers who live long soulful lives. 

1. They move into new things and new challenges as they move along in life and don’t hang on to their youthful exploits and accomplishments.
2. They value and respect their age but do not deny it or focus on it.
3. They make sure they continue to learn and grow throughout life and do not allow thinking about “getting old” to enter into their belief system or their self-talk. They do not engage in jokes about this. 
4. They take care of their bodies, their minds and their spirits by eating right, exercising, being optimistic and having faith in their abilities to negotiate the course of their lives, no matter where it takes them. 
5. They have identified their gifts and talents and are using them in service to something bigger than their own comfort and pleasure.
6. They avoid negative thinkers and those who accept aging as a slow slide into oblivion by by remaining engaged in the mainstream of life.   
7. They know that making a contribution to the greater good is what’s really important to a well-lived life and they are busy doing that.
8. If they have unfinished business from the past they make a point of attending to it and learning and growing from what has happened to them along the way. 
9. They forgive those who have hurt them and ask for forgiveness from those they have hurt and then they let go, disengaging from any on-going conflict, chaos or old resentments. 
10. They are grateful and reverent about life whether they do this via a religion spiritual path or simply by living each day feeling blessed.   

My guess about Davy Jones is he tried to hang on to his rock star status and this is simply not possible for the long haul.  He needed to move on from that into something that allowed him to grow and develop and also to give back what he had been given.  I see this, at least, at this time, with Steven Tyler, now in his early 60’s, who became a judge on American Idol last year.  He’s still holding on to his rock star image, but is also moving into a more mentoring stage of life.  Of course, the jury is still out on him. It will be interesting to see if he can truly transition into a musical sage rather than someone who still wants to perform with the twenty year old's. 

But that is what he will need to do or do what Bob Dylan has done, continue to perform but get into art or something else as well.  Dylan has authored three books of his drawings and his artwork is now on display in a prestigious gallery in NYC. 

So, whether you are a perennial or a late bloomer, rejoice in your life, it’s better to bloom late than never to have bloomed at all. 

Blessings, Lorraine

Five Steps to Becoming Authentically Powerful

Most people think of power as something they have rather than something they are.  They see power as residing in some thing, this thing resides outside themselves such as a large bank account, a prestigious job or a position within an organization or group.  But this is power of position, status, money or rank.  People who have this kind of power can lose it in a heartbeat.  They lose their job, they lose the election, the stock market crashes, they go bankrupt, the people they have power over outgrow or out distance them in some way and no longer see them as powerful as they once were, or they grow older and are no longer seen as significant or important.  There are many, many ways of losing external power. Authentic power, on the other hand, comes from within and cannot be taken from you.  People with authentic power emanate this power by who they are and not from what they own or what position in life they hold.  They feel confident and in charge of their lives and have influential power where other people are concerned, but they never try to have power over anyone but themselves.  Below are five ways of developing authentic power: 

Step One – Value yourself and the gifts you have been given.  We are all gifted – figure out what your gifts are and begin to use them today in your work and personal life.     

Step Two – Develop emotional boundaries. People with authentic power have solid emotional boundaries and understand when to say no and when to say yes.  They don’t expect other people to take care of them emotionally or do their emotional work for them, nor do they do this for others.  They set their own boundaries and they enforce them.  If they say no, they mean it and if they say yes, they follow through.    

Step Three– Reprogram your inner dialog.  People with authentic power have an internal dialog with themselves that is positive and proactive.  If you want authentic power then change your internal dialog from evaluations of yourself and others – both negative and positive  – to thoughts about how beautiful and challenging life is and what you can do to make the world a better place.      

Step Four – Be a person of integrity.  Develop your character by never lying, cheating or stealing by being very conscious of the insidious ways we can do these things by using denial.  Not telling yourself the truth of your own culpability in life's problems is one of these forms of denial.  Also connect the dots in your life and take full responsibility for the state of your life.  Learn from your mistakes and do not blame others or circumstances for the failures or messes in your life.   

Step Five – Work hard and commit yourself to accomplishing what you can with the gifts and talents you have been given.  If you are a writer, then write, if you are an artist then make beautiful pictures, if you are an engineer then build something, if you are a teacher, then teach someone, if you are a doctor then heal someone, if you are a lawyer then defend someone or some thing, if you are a mother then nurture your children, if you are a chef then make a delicious meal, if you are a business person then make or sell something, if you are a technician then fix something, if you are a grocery clerk then ring up that sale and smile at your customer.  In other words, no matter what you are gifted to do – get busy doing it.  Accomplishments build self-esteem and self-esteem builds authentic power. 

If you do these five things you will become a person with authentic power and any loss of the other kinds of power will only produce a temporary sense of unease but in the long run won’t affect your sense of well being since you have built a foundation of internal power which can’t be taken away from you via external events or situations. 

Blessings, Lorraine  

The ABCDE of Disputing Negative Self Talk

This exercise is designed to help you dispute the negative self talk I wrote about in last weeks blog post.  You may use this with events that have just happened or ones that happened long ago but which come up in your mind and in your self talk and your comments to others on a daily or at least weekly basis.  I am using divorce and a negative job/career event here as examples, but it could be anything else from missing an exit on the freeway and having to turn around or forgetting to do something that later got you into trouble or getting into an accident or any other adverse event in your life.  The self talk is the negative about the event, the people in the event or your own negative view of yourself in relation to it.  Do this exercise for the big negative events in your life which keep coming up and for the smaller ones that happen along the way.

Using a spiral bound notebook, do this exercise everyday for 30 days, at least once per day.  Check in with yourself and ask yourself this question.  Did I say or think negative thoughts about my ex spouse, my boss or myself in regard to what happened in the adverse event that happened to me?  If the answer is no – then ask yourself what you are thinking right now about it?   If you have not had any negative self talk today, then ask yourself if you had any negative self talk this week?  Check in with yourself about adverse events that happened recently and any conversations you have had with friends that may have included some negative talk about the event.

A stands for Adversity - Here’s where you write down the event or experience that triggered your pessimistic thoughts. Simple and matter-of-fact, with no associated thoughts or feelings, just like this: “I got a divorce or I got fired or I got downsized or I was late to work again today or I'm stuck in this job or any negative thought related to you or others or even the world.

B stands for Belief – Write down the words you use to explain the adversity exactly as you say them to yourself or when you are venting where it is safe.  In other words, write down what you believe about this event and what you feel about it, such as people my age can't change jobs, it's too late, or there are no good men out there, or I can either accept this or that but I can't have both.  In other words, your negative world view about these kinds of things.  

C stands for Consequences – Write down what you believe the negative event has brought into your life.  What impact has the event had on your work, your enjoyment of life? Examples? “I feel defeated and lousy”; “I feel very, very scared that I will never find any one who will love me.  “I feel cheated and lied to.  "All men, or all women, all bosses are just out to use you and abuse you and I’ll never get what I really want in life.” "I'm too old, and this is it - I'll never be successful or I'll die alone."  

D is for Dispute – A dispute is a rational challenge to your emotional belief, since most emotional beliefs are often less fact than attitude. Here are a few ways to experiment (that’s right, you might not be successful the first time, so keep at it until you are!):

–Marshal Factual Evidence. Challenge your pessimistic emotional beliefs with a list of facts. Are you truly so miserable now that you are divorced or working for a new employer?  Does it really matter to you and your life now that your ex or your boss is a jerk, a narcissist or someone who simply does not care about you?  How is your life better now than it was before the incident?  List all the facts that contradict your pessimistic statements. (Still believe your belief is true? See Deal With the Truth, below.)

Less Destructive Alternatives. One way to try this is to pretend a caring friend is doing the disputing  – how would she or he respond to your negative assessment of the situation?  What would they tell you? Do you know a natural optimist? What would he or she point out to you about the situation?

–Deal with the Truth without Self-Judgment. Let’s say you’ve decided that your negative comments about yourself or the situation or another person are true – you did marry a jerk and lived with him or her for many years.  You did wait too long to do somethng you should have done at an earlier time in your life.  Now you have to face the fact that maybe, some of it was your responsibility?  Maybe you did expect everything to stay the same and when it did not, you went into a snit and acted like a martyr and now you see that was you not taking responsibility for your choices- he or she may be a jerk but you chose them or chose to stay with them.  Is the negative way you tell yourself the truth useful? No. Negative thinking never results in positive change.

But true optimism isn’t sugar-coating, either. So look at the truth of your situation and plan to change it: do you need to let go of your resentment and pain related to the incident since all it is doing is keeping you in this loop?  Well, yes!  What else do you need to do to change the circumstances of your life?  Do you need specific, written goals and plans for your future? Your weakness and human imperfections are normal, and you’re more likely to move forward when you accept them as being okay or identified and now you are working to improve them.  Do you need to forgive yourself and move on?  When you’re not beating up on yourself, you’re freer to make plans for how you want to change and grow. By the way, each person comes into the world with gifts and talents - one way to move on and begin to get out of the loop of negative self talk is to value and use your gifts and talents and find places where others value them.  Staying in situations where you are not valued is a natural feed line to your negative self talk - so begin today to figure out how to find a place where you can bloom and not feed the monster of negative self talk.  

–Dispute With Action. Negativity tends to lead us to self-involvement and a form of narcissism, and it never hurts to distance ourselves from that by engaging in something outside ourselves, whether it’s helping someone else with a problem, or taking a break and simply doing something positive that makes you feel good.   Research on happiness demonstrates that people who consider themselves happy and leading meaningful lives are generally involved in some kind of giving back to the world what they have been given - what I call contributing to the greater good.  This activity needs to coincide with your core values and beliefs. Building those activities into our lives keeps our own pessimistic reactions in perspective. This also contributes to the building of our self esteem and self worth - so a win-win for everyone. 

E is for Energizing – Read your disputes out loud. How do you feel when you hear the words? The measure of an effective disputation is the energizing effect it has on your emotional state. If your feelings haven’t changed, try again. Sure, this sounds like a ‘Catch-22’, but it’s true. Remember, a dispute is a heartfelt, rational change of though, and if it’s not substantial enough, it won’t help you, so make your disputes heartfelt and logical.  Telling yourself all will be well tomorrow and then getting up and doing the same thing will not get you out of a negative self-talk loop.  Nor will ignoring or using denial to get through he day.  Make a list of the good things in your life and put them on several 3x5 cards and carry them with you or post then in your office or home so you can see them. 

That's it - use this system beginning today for 30 days and I guarantee if you do, your self talk will become positive and you will feel energized!

If you have questions about this process or have trouble with it then send me an email  or call me for an appointment to deal with this with the aid of a professional mentor.  I am here to help.

Blessings, Lorraine