The ABCDE of Disputing Negative Self Talk

This exercise is designed to help you dispute the negative self talk I wrote about in last weeks blog post.  You may use this with events that have just happened or ones that happened long ago but which come up in your mind and in your self talk and your comments to others on a daily or at least weekly basis.  I am using divorce and a negative job/career event here as examples, but it could be anything else from missing an exit on the freeway and having to turn around or forgetting to do something that later got you into trouble or getting into an accident or any other adverse event in your life.  The self talk is the negative about the event, the people in the event or your own negative view of yourself in relation to it.  Do this exercise for the big negative events in your life which keep coming up and for the smaller ones that happen along the way.

Using a spiral bound notebook, do this exercise everyday for 30 days, at least once per day.  Check in with yourself and ask yourself this question.  Did I say or think negative thoughts about my ex spouse, my boss or myself in regard to what happened in the adverse event that happened to me?  If the answer is no – then ask yourself what you are thinking right now about it?   If you have not had any negative self talk today, then ask yourself if you had any negative self talk this week?  Check in with yourself about adverse events that happened recently and any conversations you have had with friends that may have included some negative talk about the event.

A stands for Adversity - Here’s where you write down the event or experience that triggered your pessimistic thoughts. Simple and matter-of-fact, with no associated thoughts or feelings, just like this: “I got a divorce or I got fired or I got downsized or I was late to work again today or I'm stuck in this job or any negative thought related to you or others or even the world.

B stands for Belief – Write down the words you use to explain the adversity exactly as you say them to yourself or when you are venting where it is safe.  In other words, write down what you believe about this event and what you feel about it, such as people my age can't change jobs, it's too late, or there are no good men out there, or I can either accept this or that but I can't have both.  In other words, your negative world view about these kinds of things.  

C stands for Consequences – Write down what you believe the negative event has brought into your life.  What impact has the event had on your work, your enjoyment of life? Examples? “I feel defeated and lousy”; “I feel very, very scared that I will never find any one who will love me.  “I feel cheated and lied to.  "All men, or all women, all bosses are just out to use you and abuse you and I’ll never get what I really want in life.” "I'm too old, and this is it - I'll never be successful or I'll die alone."  

D is for Dispute – A dispute is a rational challenge to your emotional belief, since most emotional beliefs are often less fact than attitude. Here are a few ways to experiment (that’s right, you might not be successful the first time, so keep at it until you are!):

–Marshal Factual Evidence. Challenge your pessimistic emotional beliefs with a list of facts. Are you truly so miserable now that you are divorced or working for a new employer?  Does it really matter to you and your life now that your ex or your boss is a jerk, a narcissist or someone who simply does not care about you?  How is your life better now than it was before the incident?  List all the facts that contradict your pessimistic statements. (Still believe your belief is true? See Deal With the Truth, below.)

Less Destructive Alternatives. One way to try this is to pretend a caring friend is doing the disputing  – how would she or he respond to your negative assessment of the situation?  What would they tell you? Do you know a natural optimist? What would he or she point out to you about the situation?

–Deal with the Truth without Self-Judgment. Let’s say you’ve decided that your negative comments about yourself or the situation or another person are true – you did marry a jerk and lived with him or her for many years.  You did wait too long to do somethng you should have done at an earlier time in your life.  Now you have to face the fact that maybe, some of it was your responsibility?  Maybe you did expect everything to stay the same and when it did not, you went into a snit and acted like a martyr and now you see that was you not taking responsibility for your choices- he or she may be a jerk but you chose them or chose to stay with them.  Is the negative way you tell yourself the truth useful? No. Negative thinking never results in positive change.

But true optimism isn’t sugar-coating, either. So look at the truth of your situation and plan to change it: do you need to let go of your resentment and pain related to the incident since all it is doing is keeping you in this loop?  Well, yes!  What else do you need to do to change the circumstances of your life?  Do you need specific, written goals and plans for your future? Your weakness and human imperfections are normal, and you’re more likely to move forward when you accept them as being okay or identified and now you are working to improve them.  Do you need to forgive yourself and move on?  When you’re not beating up on yourself, you’re freer to make plans for how you want to change and grow. By the way, each person comes into the world with gifts and talents - one way to move on and begin to get out of the loop of negative self talk is to value and use your gifts and talents and find places where others value them.  Staying in situations where you are not valued is a natural feed line to your negative self talk - so begin today to figure out how to find a place where you can bloom and not feed the monster of negative self talk.  

–Dispute With Action. Negativity tends to lead us to self-involvement and a form of narcissism, and it never hurts to distance ourselves from that by engaging in something outside ourselves, whether it’s helping someone else with a problem, or taking a break and simply doing something positive that makes you feel good.   Research on happiness demonstrates that people who consider themselves happy and leading meaningful lives are generally involved in some kind of giving back to the world what they have been given - what I call contributing to the greater good.  This activity needs to coincide with your core values and beliefs. Building those activities into our lives keeps our own pessimistic reactions in perspective. This also contributes to the building of our self esteem and self worth - so a win-win for everyone. 

E is for Energizing – Read your disputes out loud. How do you feel when you hear the words? The measure of an effective disputation is the energizing effect it has on your emotional state. If your feelings haven’t changed, try again. Sure, this sounds like a ‘Catch-22’, but it’s true. Remember, a dispute is a heartfelt, rational change of though, and if it’s not substantial enough, it won’t help you, so make your disputes heartfelt and logical.  Telling yourself all will be well tomorrow and then getting up and doing the same thing will not get you out of a negative self-talk loop.  Nor will ignoring or using denial to get through he day.  Make a list of the good things in your life and put them on several 3x5 cards and carry them with you or post then in your office or home so you can see them. 

That's it - use this system beginning today for 30 days and I guarantee if you do, your self talk will become positive and you will feel energized!

If you have questions about this process or have trouble with it then send me an email  or call me for an appointment to deal with this with the aid of a professional mentor.  I am here to help.

Blessings, Lorraine