The Loop of Negative Self Talk - The Muzak in Your Head

Most of us, no matter how positive and upbeat we are, will have some negative self-talk.  This is like Muzak– you know that easy listening music that plays just below the surface of your consciousness, at the grocery store, the doctors office, in elevators and any place where people gather where nice background music makes shopping or waiting a more pleasant experience.  Well, our self-talk is just like that, it plays beneath the surface of our conscious minds and only when something happens to make us become conscious of it do we notice what we are telling ourselves, on a minute-by-minute basis.  This also becomes our naturally occurring comments about our lives that we share with others in a kind of non- conscious way.  This happens mostly in social situations where gossip and sharing is done in a small talk way.  In other words, someone brings up a subject and each person gives their party line on that subject.  This happens in situations where there is no major consequence to you for your opinion on the subject, at least not from the people you are sharing your opinion with, but there is a major consequence to you, yourself, if this party line is negative and keeps you stuck in a negative loop. 

Muzak Tune # I Married a Jerk and I Can Prove It!

Let me give you an example.  Let’s say you are divorced.  If this is fresh, that is, it just happened less than two years ago, then the chances of you making negative comments about your ex are pretty common.  This is understandable, as most people will need to rid themselves of these negative feelings as they go through the natural grief process of morning this major loss in their life.  Depending on how long you were married, this grief stage could last from two to three years, but once you have established a new life for yourself as a single person you need to begin to let go of the negative thoughts and comments about your marriage, divorce and ex spouse.  If you don’t and these thoughts continue to be part and parcel of your mind’s “Muzak” then you are stuck in a loop and that loop is keeping you from enjoying your new life.  This negative self-talk and the small talk it engenders with friends and family, becomes insidious and will keep you forever going around in this loop.  It also has the affect of attracting other negative thinkers and talkers and this creates pity party alliances. 

Muzak Tune #2 - My Boss and My Work Don't Appreciate Me

Another example is a work situation that turned out bad for you.  Maybe you got fired or downsized or reassigned to a position you did not choose or you went for a promotion and someone else got it and now two or more years later you are still running the Muzak from that situation in your head every single day.  Then when you are not at work and are with family and friends these negative thoughts and opinions tend to fall out of your mouth like pearls of wisdom but which are in truth, bitter pills of discontent which you keep spitting out and they seem to be always there ready to do this spilling out. 

Muzak Tune #3 Nobody Loves Me, I think I'll Go Eat Worms

Another area of self talk is simply the tendency to be pessimistic and to beat up on yourself and the world with all the possible bad things that could happen, but have not yet happened or if they have, in most cases, the result was not as bad as you may have predicted.  If you tend to see every possible thing that could happen as potentially negative and or dangerous - then you too need to look at your self talk. 

In addition, if your self esteem is not what it should be then take a look at the Muzak in your head and see what tune is being played.  If your self esteem needs shoring up then do some things to make you feel better about yourself and stop lamenting your mistakes - everyone makes mistakes and self forgiveness is the key to moving past a negative situations.  The big thing with mistakes is either you learn from them or you keep making them.  So first forgive yourself for whatever you have done that didn't serve you, and then put in motion the ways and means of making sure you don't make that mistake again.  

Muzak Tune #4 - Venting Where Safe and Negative Body Language 

Playing the negative self talk about what has happened to you in your head and then venting where it’s safe with friends and family is not going to be of service to you in maintaining your job, your career or your self esteem in the long run.  So like the divorced person, the first thing to do is take responsibility for your part in what happened.  The second thing to do is forgive yourself for what you did or didn't do or what you thought and ended up revealing through your non-verbal behavior.  Remember, most thoughts come out whether they are said or not, via our body language.  If you think your boss is a jerk and an idiot but you never voice this to anyone at your work, make no bones about it, they know – it all comes out through your non-verbal communication.

If these examples remind you of yourself then it’s time to take a stand and get yourself out of this loop.  Now some of you may say, yes, but he/she was a jerk to me or he/she did do this and that bad thing and this may very well be true.  You could have married a narcissist, a dishonest person who lied to you or who cheated on you. Okay, you divorced them because of this and now you need to rid yourself of their impact on your life – in these cases divorce was only a first step in this process.  Now you need to heal your wounds and get on with your life. 

It's Time to Play a New Tune 

In order to heal and get on with a life of passion, purpose and possibilities you will need to rid yourself of as much negative self-talk as possible.  Negative self talk is addictive and habit forming - it becomes over time like a mantra - you simply say it to yourself and any one who will listen any time the topic of your marriage, your job or your self worth is triggered.  It’s a neural pathway that has been set down in your brain and until you make a concentrated effort to change it, it will always be there.  Time for a new tune. 

New Tune # 1 I forgive Myself and Give Myself a Break 

The first wound you need to heal is your own complicity in the marriage.  In other words, you married this person, you stayed with them and you had your reasons for doing this.  Forgive yourself – you were young and naive, you were broke and desperate, scared and insecure, you were in need of a rescue or there was some other reason you let yourself choose or be chosen by this person.  Forgive yourself.  That’s the first step.  If you feel you were wronged and you don’t see your own complicity in the marriage then you need to get real with yourself.  Getting real means to stop being a victim and take responsibility for your part in things.  

Maybe you were flattered.  Maybe he or she was a prize or appeared to be and winning the hand of this person made you feel like you too were a prize.  Maybe you were just going along with the culture’s ideas about marriage, but once married you realized you were not interested in a traditional marriage but your tribe believed in this and so the only way to get out of it was to make your spouse the bad guy so the tribe would okay your decision to divorce.  Maybe the person offered you things you felt you could not get on your own – an upscale lifestyle – joining a social group you did not have access to without them and so on. 

There are a million reasons people marry who they marry and another million for why they do not work out the way the partners thought it would.  The only way to deal with and heal from a broken relationship is to take your part in it and own up to it and then forgive yourself.  Being a victim is a monster you have to feed on a daily basis – stop feeding that monster. The same is true if your negative event is work related.  If you got fired, downsized, reassigned or whatever the event was, blaming it on the company, the economy or President Obama and not taking responsibility for your part in it, is a vitality killer.  You were there, you took the job, you chose to stay and whatever happened, in most cases, was not a surprise to you and if it was, then it was because you were not paying attention.

New Tune #2 I Play By The Work Rules or I Find a New Game

Unlike a marriage, where it’s a partnership and is a legal contract, working for someone else is not.  Going into a work place and having the mindset that they will take care of you and treat you with respect and so on is naive and foolish.  It’s also naive and foolish to think that if you work really hard this will protect you from any negative events.  In many, many cases this is not what keeps people employed. Working hard is a given by the company, they expect it but being a team player is what gets noticed.  

What keeps people employed is that they recognize that the real job is joining the culture of the company and buying into the ideas and programs of those in the position to fire them.  Being a company man or woman and knowing how to play politics, this is the real key to being promoted and staying employed.  The other one is rolling with the flow – the changes that naturally occur in any business.  We live in a very volatile world where work is concerned and those who adapt to the new are the ones who stay employed and happy in their jobs.  Those who resist change and resist joining the corporate culture are destined to have negative events happen to them. 

New Tune #3 I Learn from My Mistakes 

Maybe you married the wrong person, for you, or you took a job that in the end didn't fit you, or you started out in the world with little self esteem because your primary care givers didn't recognize your genius or you simply have a temperament that tends to second guess yourself, regardless of why your self esteem is not up to par, the day has come for you to start shoring it up by playing a  new tune.  

New Tune #4 - I celebrate and Value Myself 

I once saw a poster in an agency I was thinking of going to work for which said in big bold letters, "God Don't Make No Junk"  Well, I agree - play the tune that celebrates you and stop letting the Muzak of negative thinking bring you down.  Another way to eliminate the negative loop of self talk and playing that negative Muzak in your head all day is to use the ABCDE Disputing Technique.  I will post this next week, so stay tuned.

Blessing, Lorraine