Are You An Artful Dodger?

In Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens, there is this character known as the Artful Dodger. He is a pickpocket and a charmer but he is also unwilling to take responsibility for his actions. He uses everything in the book to dodge paying the piper. Of course in the end he pays dearly. I believe everyone has a bit of the Artful Dodger in them and in fact, in the right quantity and in the proper situations this is exactly what is needed. Tact and diplomacy require the act of dodging certain issues and subjects. Good manners as well would be nothing if we did not on occasion dodge a topic or two or turn our heads the other way. This is the fine art of dodging but it does not make one a true Artful Dodger. For that you have to move over into the realm of personal irresponsibility and even here it depends on how often and to what ends you apply the skill of artful dodging. Let me give you some examples.

Artful Dodging using Charm, Humor and Convoluted Logic

I knew a woman once who had a boyfriend who wanted everyone to like him and so he would say yes to any request for his time. He had a job as an administrator for a large organization and so he had plenty of people wanting him to do things for them. He would then try to balance what appeared to be about a hundred different balls all in the air at same time. Of course he could not really balance all these and eventually one and sometimes more than one, would fall crashing to the floor. Most of the time, this ball had something to do with his girlfriend, usually a date he had with her or a promise to do something for her. He he apologize all over the place and would use humor, charm and logic to get her to see that letting her down really wasn’t his fault and couldn’t she see how sorry he was. This worked for about six months and then she began to notice that he did this in other areas of his life as well. In fact, what she noticed was that he was a pretty slippery character. What she saw was him trying to have his cake and eat it too but this simply did not work for her. She decided to end it with him before too much resentment and dashed hopes got the best of her.

Artful Dodging using Blame, Anger and Shopping for Supporters

In another situation, I had a client who came to me because she was having trouble in her life with her kids, her ex husband and her work. It seemed that she was getting a raw deal from everyone. After working with her for a few months I realized that she was a blaming, controlling person who wanted to call all the shots in her life including what others did or did not do. When the people in her life didn’t go along with her program she made them the enemy. I pointed this out to her but she resisted me first by getting angry, then bringing up the wrongs others had done to her, and finally by searching out new theories and programs and discussing these in our sessions rather than focusing on her on self as the responsible party. Eventually she found another therapist who was more accepting of to her blame and victim stance.

Artful Dodging using Venting Where Safe, Sensitivity/Tears and Innocence

This is typically a female way of being an Artful Dodger. I knew a woman once who was married to a man who drank and went into vengeful rages on a regular basis. He was a good provider according to her – of course he provided more than she bargained for - and never actually resorted to violence but he made her life miserable. What she would do is vent to her girlfriends about him, use tears with him to try and get him to stop raging and she would then act innocent when anyone asked her what she was going to do about him.

Artful Dodging using Manners, Grand Gestures and Self Righteousness

Many artful dodgers use grand gestures, manners and acting self righteous to get what they want in life and to avoid responsibility. The husband of the woman in the last story was the king of this kind of thing. In fact, the most common reason for her to act innocent with her friends was when he had made one of his grand gestures such as buying her a brand new car and putting a giant pink ribbon on it so all the neighbors would see. Or he would send two dozen roses to her office so her co-workers would know what a wonderful husband he was. He would suggest they have a party and he would be the most gracious host possible to everyone. If she complained to him about him being flirtatious with the women he would act self righteous and indignant and tell her he was only being a good host.

Being an artful dodger is about avoiding responsibility and letting others take the blame or simply not being willing to own up to your part in things. So think about yourself and if you find yourself in any of these examples, then it’s time to sit down in a quiet place take a long and hard look at yourself and begin to take action to change. If you are involved with an Artful dodger then you may have to make a decision about this person like the woman who broke up with the man who was a people pleaser who tried to please too many at once and failed to please her. If you are married to one, then you may need to seek counseling in order for this person to see what they are doing. It's also true that no one is ever totally in the wrong in a relationship and so if you do seek counseling be willing to see your part in the dance with the artful dodger. The woman who was the recipient of the grand gestures had a hard time giving up this special treatment, She had to admit to their couple's counselor that she enjoyed it when he bragged on her in public and bought her lavish gifts. Not until the counselor encouraged her to look at what she was doing and the bargain she had made with him, did she begin to change. He realized too that there were personal other reasons for the raging that had noting to do with his wife and he began to work on these and a more healthy relationship developed between them.

So, think about it - are you an artful dodger or do you live with one and what's in it for you to continue your ways? What are you willing to do to be a more authentic and psychologically healthy individual? You may get what you want in the short run, but this kind of behavior won’t see you through life with honor, integrity and maturity – the key attributes of a truly healthy and whole individual.

Blessings, Lorraine

The Sacred Connection Between Creativity and Your Soul

One of the most profound ways of knowing that you are in contact with your soul is through the act of creating something beautiful whether this is tangible like a flower arrangement or intangible like a loving relationship. This is why when we see a pregnant woman most of us feel a kind of reverence for her – we know that she is in a sacred state of creation. There is an aura around her that encourages a kind of amazement. She is living a soulful, spiritual and creative experience. When we see a great work of art such as Michael Angelo’s, David, most of us feel a sense of soul within that work too. When I watched the Opening Ceremonies of the Beijing Olympics I felt the hearts and souls of the thousands it took to put on that showcase of Chinese ingenuity. The creativity was awe-inspiring and I felt the collective soul of the Chinese people that night watching it

Now we don’t have to create an Olympic Opening Ceremony or sculpt a David or even have a baby to be creative and in touch with our souls. Everyone is creative by nature and with a little nurture can be even more so. Most of us are a lot more creative than we give ourselves credit for and therefore a lot more in touch with our souls than we may think. The act of creation is all around us – new ideas, new ways of doing things and new solutions to old problems are happening at the speed of light. Look around you and take note of all the creations you see. Then take a look at your own life and take note of your own creations.

Any time you take raw materials, whether they are tangible or intangible, and make something new, you are being creative. Any time you solve a problem in a new way, you are being creative. Any time you plan an event and see it through to completion you are being creative. Anytime you change the way you think of something or someone and you have a different response, you are being creative. Any time you choose to do something you have not done before, you are being creative. Any time you take a risk, or choose to learn something new, you are being creative. And of course any time you create something of beauty such as a work of art, a piece of prose or poetry, a lovely decorated room, a delicious meal, a craft, or you design or build a new home or building, plant a garden or any number things, you are being creative.

If you would like to have more beauty in your life and be more creative – to access the creative aspect of your soul in a more conscious, more nurturing and direct way try one or all seven of the idea below:

1. Start a Creativity/Beauty Journal – Every night before you go to sleep write down at least five things you saw or felt that day that were beautiful or creative.

2. Take yourself on a Beauty Date - a specific time once a week where you go alone to see and experience something you consider beautiful and has the potential to ignite your creative soul. For example, go for a walk in a park or walking trail and notice what you see. Find at least ten things on your walk that are beautiful – then when you get home write them in your Beauty Journal. Or go to an art supply store or a craft store and look at all the potential creative project and buy the materials to start one.

3. Ask yourself before you begin a new project, even housework or some other ordinary task, "How I bring beauty or creativity to this endeavor?"

4. Use creativity and the idea of beauty to solve the everyday problems that occur in your life – ask yourself “How could I solve this problem in a creative way?”

5. Commit to doing one new creative thing or trying something new once a week for a year – Keep a page in your Creativity/Beauty Journal to list what you did – review at the end of the year.

6. Begin to use creativity when dealing with your relationships – whether children, spouses, friend or co-workers – ask yourself – "How could I use creativity to make this situation come out better and more positively?"

7. Have a time at dinner every night to ask each member of your family – "How were you creative today? "

Remember, we are all creative by nature and we all love beauty. All we need to do to increase the creativity and beauty in our lives is to be open and pay attention to our soul urges – once we do, all kinds of glorious, beautiful and creative things will begin to happen.

Blessings, Lorraine