Are You An Artful Dodger?

In Oliver Twist, by Charles Dickens, there is this character known as the Artful Dodger. He is a pickpocket and a charmer but he is also unwilling to take responsibility for his actions. He uses everything in the book to dodge paying the piper. Of course in the end he pays dearly. I believe everyone has a bit of the Artful Dodger in them and in fact, in the right quantity and in the proper situations this is exactly what is needed. Tact and diplomacy require the act of dodging certain issues and subjects. Good manners as well would be nothing if we did not on occasion dodge a topic or two or turn our heads the other way. This is the fine art of dodging but it does not make one a true Artful Dodger. For that you have to move over into the realm of personal irresponsibility and even here it depends on how often and to what ends you apply the skill of artful dodging. Let me give you some examples.

Artful Dodging using Charm, Humor and Convoluted Logic

I knew a woman once who had a boyfriend who wanted everyone to like him and so he would say yes to any request for his time. He had a job as an administrator for a large organization and so he had plenty of people wanting him to do things for them. He would then try to balance what appeared to be about a hundred different balls all in the air at same time. Of course he could not really balance all these and eventually one and sometimes more than one, would fall crashing to the floor. Most of the time, this ball had something to do with his girlfriend, usually a date he had with her or a promise to do something for her. He he apologize all over the place and would use humor, charm and logic to get her to see that letting her down really wasn’t his fault and couldn’t she see how sorry he was. This worked for about six months and then she began to notice that he did this in other areas of his life as well. In fact, what she noticed was that he was a pretty slippery character. What she saw was him trying to have his cake and eat it too but this simply did not work for her. She decided to end it with him before too much resentment and dashed hopes got the best of her.

Artful Dodging using Blame, Anger and Shopping for Supporters

In another situation, I had a client who came to me because she was having trouble in her life with her kids, her ex husband and her work. It seemed that she was getting a raw deal from everyone. After working with her for a few months I realized that she was a blaming, controlling person who wanted to call all the shots in her life including what others did or did not do. When the people in her life didn’t go along with her program she made them the enemy. I pointed this out to her but she resisted me first by getting angry, then bringing up the wrongs others had done to her, and finally by searching out new theories and programs and discussing these in our sessions rather than focusing on her on self as the responsible party. Eventually she found another therapist who was more accepting of to her blame and victim stance.

Artful Dodging using Venting Where Safe, Sensitivity/Tears and Innocence

This is typically a female way of being an Artful Dodger. I knew a woman once who was married to a man who drank and went into vengeful rages on a regular basis. He was a good provider according to her – of course he provided more than she bargained for - and never actually resorted to violence but he made her life miserable. What she would do is vent to her girlfriends about him, use tears with him to try and get him to stop raging and she would then act innocent when anyone asked her what she was going to do about him.

Artful Dodging using Manners, Grand Gestures and Self Righteousness

Many artful dodgers use grand gestures, manners and acting self righteous to get what they want in life and to avoid responsibility. The husband of the woman in the last story was the king of this kind of thing. In fact, the most common reason for her to act innocent with her friends was when he had made one of his grand gestures such as buying her a brand new car and putting a giant pink ribbon on it so all the neighbors would see. Or he would send two dozen roses to her office so her co-workers would know what a wonderful husband he was. He would suggest they have a party and he would be the most gracious host possible to everyone. If she complained to him about him being flirtatious with the women he would act self righteous and indignant and tell her he was only being a good host.

Being an artful dodger is about avoiding responsibility and letting others take the blame or simply not being willing to own up to your part in things. So think about yourself and if you find yourself in any of these examples, then it’s time to sit down in a quiet place take a long and hard look at yourself and begin to take action to change. If you are involved with an Artful dodger then you may have to make a decision about this person like the woman who broke up with the man who was a people pleaser who tried to please too many at once and failed to please her. If you are married to one, then you may need to seek counseling in order for this person to see what they are doing. It's also true that no one is ever totally in the wrong in a relationship and so if you do seek counseling be willing to see your part in the dance with the artful dodger. The woman who was the recipient of the grand gestures had a hard time giving up this special treatment, She had to admit to their couple's counselor that she enjoyed it when he bragged on her in public and bought her lavish gifts. Not until the counselor encouraged her to look at what she was doing and the bargain she had made with him, did she begin to change. He realized too that there were personal other reasons for the raging that had noting to do with his wife and he began to work on these and a more healthy relationship developed between them.

So, think about it - are you an artful dodger or do you live with one and what's in it for you to continue your ways? What are you willing to do to be a more authentic and psychologically healthy individual? You may get what you want in the short run, but this kind of behavior won’t see you through life with honor, integrity and maturity – the key attributes of a truly healthy and whole individual.

Blessings, Lorraine