Stop Playing the Comparing and Judging Game and Find Your Own Gifts and Talents and Begin to Value Them Today!!!

A lot of people spend their days comparing themselves to others. In a way, it's the name of the game that most of us Americans grew up playing. It's the competition game and it starts in school with grades and getting picked for the dodge ball team or being the best at a sport or winning the science fair project or the computer derby - everyone wants to be first at something and in many ways this is a good thing but eventually this whole thing turns into a compare and then judge game that can be detrimental to the development of your own unique gifts and talents. We are all gifted and talented and we need to find and develop these talents and gifts rather than continuing to compare ourselves to others. The Picture of the flower on the left is lovely, don't you think? I do - it just is - I don't need to compare it to any other flowers or say that it is the most beautiful of all flowers - it is simply a beautiful flower and that is its gift.

The same is true of all of people. We are all flowers in our way and when we compare ourselves to others this can create either a sense of superiority or a sense of inferiority because we can always find people who are better at something than we are and others who are not as good at something which we do very well. For some people this becomes their main occupation - looking for those who are worse off than they are and judging themselves better or finding those who are more successful and feeling inadequate in a kind of see sawing back and forth between these two extremes.

Eliminate the Compare and Judge Game From Your Life

This is a worthless occupation and proves nothing - absolutely nothing. If you want to be good at something then go for it by creating or finding a standard and working toward that standard. If I want to be a better writer then I need to study writing, spend time actually writing and listening and taking in feedback about my writing and then revising my writing or not depending on how I feel about it myself - if I think the feedback is legitimate, then I will make changes but if I don't I won't. But to spend my days saying so and so is a better writer than I am or that I'll never be that good or that so and so can't write her way out of a paper bag and then acting superior about that person, does not serve my talent as a writer.

Accept Your Gift at the Level it is Given

In a recent blog post I talked about being a tall poppy and I do think some of us are tall poppies but does that mean we are the tallest poppy in the whole wide world or just within the field where we are planted? I think you can guess the answer. In addition, we may be a tall poppy in one area and not tall at all in another. I'm a writer, I love writing but I don't see my writing gift as that of someone like Jane Austin - that's not even my kind of writing or a more contemporary example like Jennifer Weiner - she's funny and entertaining and is a best selling author - but I'm not trying to be like her either. I'm being me and using my gift where I'm planted and not looking to judge myself against anyone but my own self and what I want to accomplish with my writing.

You need to do this too. Figure out your gifts and talents and start honing them, practicing them and using them in some way that makes you feel good about yourself - always - whether there is someone you know who does it better than you or that you judge to be doing it better than you or not. And if you think you and your gifts make you hot stuff and you judge yourself better than everyone around you, well then that too is a huge mistake. What's that old saying, pride goeth before a fall - people who see themselves as superior to everyone else are going to be shot down by someone or something at some point down the road, you can bet on that.


What You Love to Do - That's Where Your Gifts Are


Our gifts come from what we love to do - if you love to do it, then in almost all cases you will be gifted in that area in some way. Now I'm not talking about reading a book or watching a movie or eating ice cream - these are pleasures, not gifts or talents. I'm talking about doing something that produces something and contributes to the greater good - this is where your gifts show up. So if you don't know what your gifts or talents are, start paying attention to what you love to do that produces something that is useful to other people or the planet. Also, pay attention to compliments - what do other people tell you that you are good at or that they appreciate about you - this too is a good place to look for your gifts. Another way to discover your gifts is to look at what you get lost in doing, that is, you lose track of time because you are simply so involved in the activity that the next thing you know it's been hours but it seems like only minutes. One writer calls this flow and most of us have something we like to do where we feel in the flow or in the zone.

All Gifts are Valuable and Useful

This brings us back to the comparing and judging game some people play on a daily basis - they judge their own gifts as lacking in quality or quantity, but all gifts are valuable and useful regardless of their level or how much material success. In some cases they judge their own gifts too highly and come off arrogant and egotistical, not a good thing either. When we do this we either deny our own value as a human being or we become narcissistic and value ourselves more than is reasonable. Each of us needs to find a balance between recognizing and honoring our gifts and talents but not making them the be all and end all of our existence either.

In my own case, if I write one sentence, one article, one blog post or one book that changes one person's life in a positive way, then my gift has served its purpose. Plus, I love writing these things and that serves me as well and so now I've served two people and I'm okay with that. Of course, I have faith that my work serves more than two people, but if a song bird sings a song in the forest and no one hears it, does that mean the song bird has no value? Or if you go on American Idol and are cut on the first show and then go home and sing in the choir at your church, does that mean your gift is somehow less than the eventual winner of American Idol? I don't think so - a gift is a gift and needs to be valued and appreciated by the one who has the gift where ever that may take them or however that may play itself out.

Find Your Piece of the Great Puzzle and Begin Using it

We all have a piece of the great puzzle - I call this our gifts and talents - some have big pieces and some have smaller ones but we all have something to contribute. The trick is to value what you have as sacred and stop looking at others and comparing yourself to them - it's a waste of your time and does not serve you or your gift - so make a promise to yourself today to stop comparing and judging and get on with valuing, using and honing and then giving your gifts to the greater good instead.

Blessings, Lorraine

Becoming a Tall Poppy - Reinvent Your Life Contest Winners

I have a friend who lived in Australia for awhile and she said that over there people were advised not to see themselves as a tall poppy - in other words to stand out from the crowd was seen as against the cultural norm. But here in America, where I live, I think just the opposite is true. From American Idol contestants to Academy Award nominees the desire to stand out is part of the American spirit. But standing out does not necessarily mean winning some award. What it means to me is that you become your best self in the world based on your soul's call. We are all called to do something unique with our lives. Of course this does not have to be winning an Oscar or becoming an overnight success as a recording artist but it does mean doing what you in your own individual way are called to do. That's what my work and my new book - Second Act Soul Calls - The Journey to Find and Develop Your Authentic Self at Midlife and Beyond, (coming out Spring 2012) is all about. So last month I ran a contest for my 12 week Reinvent Your Life online program. I talked to lots of folks about it and my decision is not to announce the winner, because everyone I talked to is a winner - simply by talking to me about this and beginning the journey to hear their soul's call whether they do this with my guidance or on their own. In that regard I would like to share with my readers some of the life challenges the people I spoke with are facing...you may find yourself in one of these short descriptions. So here goes...

A 58 year old lawyer who was burned out being a lawyer but didn't have the vaguest idea what he would like to do with the rest of his life.

A 47 year old government worker who felt like he was on autopilot all the time and even though he feared leaving his secure job in a Federal agency, he felt that if he didn't he would end up so dead inside that he would have no enthusiasm for creating a new life after retirement.

A 61 year old stay at home mom whose last child had been out of the nest for five years and she had gone out to lunch and traveled the world but was now ready to do something more meaningful with her days.

A 52 year old office worker who has always wanted to be an anthropologist but can't figure out how to do it and wondered if my program could help her.

A married couple, she is 56 and he is 63, with a nice retirement package on its way when he retires in two years but no idea at all of what they will do with the next twenty to thirty years.

A 49 year old single woman with what everyone says has a great job as a manager in a fortune 500 company but who longs to quit and train horses.

A 70 year old man who has been retired for five years and chomping at the bit to create a non profit that will address environmental issues facing the world but not quite sure how to get the thing off the ground.

A 64 year old woman who has a book she wants to write but is afraid no one will want to read a book by someone her age.

43 year old man who lost his job in the recent financial bust and wonders what else he can do with his time and energy.

A 48 year old woman who wants to try her hand at writing, speaking and consulting on the toxins in our food, water and over the counter medicines but has responsibilities now that she feels prevents this and therefore she feels stuck.

A 61 year old man who knows he is here to do something with his life other than going on a perpetual vacation when he retires in four years but needs help in identifying what that is and ways to make it happen when he does identify it.

These are some of the people I spoke with and I picked one of them to receive my 12 week program. If you see yourself in one of these or know someone who does please feel free to call me or forward my blog address to them. I can help anyone listen to and answer their soul's call and in the process create the life of their dreams. I offer the 12 week program but I also offer one time consulting, one-on-one coaching or a combination of these. You may call me at 303-273-5589 or email me at lorrainebanfield@msn.com I look forward to hearing from you. And remember being a tall poppy is cool.

Blessings, Lorraine

The Continental Divide of Reinventing Your Life

When it comes to living an authentic life, one that feels right to you on a soul level, we often meet up with challenges that push us off the path. Also, from my work with people, my own life experiences, and from reading and contemplating great writers and thinkers who have traveled this path before me, I have found that those who stay the course, are the pioneers and those who don’t are the one’s left behind worrying about safety and security and getting old disappointed by the minute.

I was thinking about the idea of being an explorer, a pioneer, a trailblazer this morning and a scene from a PBS program I saw not too long ago came to mind. It was a dramatized version of the Lewis and Clark Expedition. In this particular scene the men were exhausted, hungry and ready for it to be over. They had not only run out of provisions – food and water – but were on the brink of emotional and physical collapse. They had been on the expedition for well over a year and were ready for it to be over. They had encountered biting insects, poisonous snakes, thorny plants, bad weather, extreme temperatures, violent storms, hail, flooding, getting lost, stress, starvation, lack of sleep, exhaustion, aches, pains, and the depletion of trade goods. Not only that, but some of their horses were stolen by Indians and others had fallen off the trail and died. It had not been much fun. But now they had climbed to the top of a great mountain and were ready to see the Pacific Ocean. It was the Continental Divide and they reached it on August 26, sixteen months after leaving Illinois. The men climbed the last few steps to the summit - expecting with all their hearts and souls - to see the ocean in all its magnificence, but instead what they saw was another group of mountain ranges, as far as the eye could see – with no open land and no glint of sun off the ocean. Talk about disappointment, talk about utter frustration and fatigue.

This can happen on any journey, especially one where you are blazing new trails or are exploring new territory, just when you think you have reached the summit - the end of your journey - you find several new mountains to climb and new lands to explore. It can make you crazy – at least for a little while, or it can spur you on as it did the men of the Lewis and Clark Expedition.

Most of us, when we reach our middle forties and early fifties will reach this Continental Divide of our lives. Many of us, coming to this point will think we have reached the peak of our lives, but like Lewis and Clark, we have only gotten to the top of one mountain only to be faced with many more to be climbed before we reach the Pacific Ocean of our trip. This can be daunting but it also can be exhilarating.

In fact, what I find is, that exhilaration is exactly what we need at this point. But this is a new paradigm – it’s not the one our parents used, or even the ones some of our neighbors and friends are using now. Oh, sure, we have the midlife crisis paradigm of chucking everything in our life and going off on an odyssey to regain our youth but regaining our youth, that is, denial of our age and pretending to be our younger self, is not what being at the continental divide of life is all about. The paradigm I am talking about here is one where you engage with the challenges, opportunities and possibilities of this stage of life in a growth oriented, learn new things way rather than either denial or resigned acceptance.

When I say acceptance I mean accepting that after a certain age it’s all downhill from there; this is fatalistic thinking and does not serve you or society. We need vital, engaged, growth oriented citizens who remain this way until they transition into the great beyond. We do not need people who act as if they are teenagers their entire lives or who accept aging with resignation and regret.

So today, if you find yourself on the Continental Divide of your life, I say good for you, this is exciting, this is challenging, this is worth the trip. You might need to camp out for awhile like Lewis and Clark did, getting things together for the next leg of the journey, but don’t get too comfortable. Spend some time in reflection, spend some time gathering what you will need on the trip, but make sure you keep moving and keep climbing and traversing those hills and valleys so that the second act of your life is as grand and satisfying as the first.

And by the way, if you need a scout, a guide, a seasoned Continental Divide crosser, then give me a call, it's what I'm called to do. I love to help fellow pioneers in whatever stage of the journey they happen to find themselves.

Blessings, Lorraine

In Praise of Dreamers, Mavericks, Malcontents and Restless Souls

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” -Apple, Inc.

I was at a party once where a man came up to me and introduced himself. When he found out that I was a psychotherapist he asked me about my work. When I told him that I worked with normal people on life issues ranging from work to relationships he asked me what normal was. Of course, being someone who had thought about this I had an answer for him, but what I saw as I talked to him was that he, along with a lot of other people I discuss my work with, wanted to distinguish between the people who were my clients and those who were not. He wanted to call himself normal and those who would seek out a counselor as abnormal.

And maybe he was right, maybe people who seek to find meaning in their lives, who seek to learn and grow, to get better at negotiating the rapids and undercurrents of life are in many ways abnormal since the normal person wants to see himself as already knowing how to do this. Maybe in the old days when we lived among our tribe and it did indeed take a village to raise us up to adulthood, we did know this or had a lot of help at hand, for free to make this true. But now we live in urban and suburban neighborhoods with virtual strangers and the only wise elder we have access to are found on our computers, in the books we read, the movies we see and the politicians we listen to and support, but in truth we really don’t know these people. They bombard us on a daily basis with ideas designed to sell us something or teach us something, or to get us to try something. Ten ways to that, twenty ways to this and a hundred ideas we never knew we didn’t know until NOW! We have Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz and Dr. Drew – all telling us what is normal and what is not and what to do about it. It’s enough to blow your mind or at least make you wonder about your own normality.

But here’s the deal, being disturbed about something, being a malcontent, a maverick, a restless soul or someone who dreams of a better world, these are the people who make things happen since discontent is the fuel that runs the engine of change. Malcontents shake up the status quo and make new things happen. Mavericks question authority and keep the wheels of justice going in the right direction. Dreamers come up with ideas to make the world a better place and then go about making this happen. Restless souls stir up our passions and get things moving.

Rosa Parks was a maverick when she decided to sit in the front of the bus. Betty Freidan was a malcontent when she wrote her book the Feminine Mystique back in the 60’s which helped to ignite a new women’s movement. Steve Jobs was a restless soul when he went to India and studied the mystics and then came back home, got fired from Apple then started Pixar and then came back to Apple and helped to change the world with the Iphone, the Ipad and who knows what else. Louis and Clark were restless souls who wanted to explore a world unknown to white men and find the perfect route to the Pacific Northwest. Eleanor Roosevelt was a malcontent when she decided that she had other ideas about being a first lady and went down into the coal mines, wrote her weekly newspaper column and became a force to be reckoned with on her own terms.

But what about those of us who don’t have a directly obvious cause or focus – are we simply abnormal folks who don’t fit in with the mainstream and therefore should be pitied as the man I met at the party seemed to be doing when he talked about my clients as being, if not abnormal, then at least not normal. But being normal for some of us is not our mission in life, it’s not our reason for being. If you find that in your life you have been accused of being a restless soul, of being a malcontent, of being a maverick or even as Apple called it, a crazy one, then take note, there is a place for you here and I can help you find it.

Now, don’t get me wrong here, there are some people who fall into this category who are indeed abnormal, odd, weird souls, even what some might call lost souls, people who are hurting, disturbed and very dysfunctional, but I doubt any of them will be reading a blog on how to live a renaissance life so this is not for them. This is for those of you who are normal but restless, normal but dream of a better world, normal but not satisfied with the status quo, normal but wanting to live a more meaningful life, one where you are at the helm of change, innovation and creativity.

Maybe you’re a writer, a musician, an artist, a teacher, an inventor, a person with a cause you want to champion, a vision you have but don’t know how to implement it, a person with a passionate feeling about something that you want to impact but are unsure how to make that happen, or you just know there is something here for you to do but you are just not sure what it is and need direction in how to find it. This is where I come in. My work is about helping people who fit these categories. I have online, one-on-one and other programs designed to help you find your true and authentic self and what you are here to do and how to make that happen. I would love to talk to you about this. Please either call (303-273-5589) or email (lorrainebanfield@msn.com) me and see if my programs can help you or someone you know. Please feel free to send the link to my blog to anyone you know who might benefit from my work. I do a few pro bono clients a year, so even if someone can’t afford this right now, you never know how connecting with me could change their life or yours.

And remember, as the Apple Ad says, “…the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” So let’s get busy changing the world, one person at a time, and I think we should start with you!

Blessings, Lorraine

If You Want Love, You Gotta Bring it With You

It's Friday afternoon and I decided that I just had to clean my studio, the room I do my writing and creating in - it was a mess - one thing I know is that to be creative, you can't worry too much about being neat, it stops the flow of creativity, at least it does for me. So as I'm working I like to listen to some R&B - it helps me stay energized. So here comes this song I'd never heard before, If You Want Love, You Gotta Bring it With You by Irma Thomas. All of a sudden, I thought, you know what, that is so true and it's true about a lot of other things as well.

As we approach Valentine's Day, think about what you're bringing with you to that day and all the days to come. It doesn't matter whether or not you are in a romantic relationship, love is your birthright, but it's also the gift you can bring with you no matter where you go or what you do. The moment you begin to think loving thoughts and bring that to your interactions, the universe gets stirred up and then positive and affirming things begin to flow around you in a way that never happens when you're being needy, ungrateful and complaining.

In a recent blog post, I mentioined that life rewards action, and it rewards loving action in the most predictable and unpredictable ways. The predictable way is that you will simply feel good in the moment and sometimes that's all we need, but the unpredictable is that one day something really special will come your way, you may not connect it to the loving thoughts and deeds you bring with you wherever you go, but I know from experience that when I bring love with me wherever I go then all kinds of positive things happen to me - not in a direct way but in a way that is magical and unexpected. Remember the plumber who stopped and changed my tire a few of weeks ago? Well, some might say that having a blow out on the freeway is not a magical thing, but having someone right there ready, willing and able to change that tire for me and doing it with a smile on his face was sure magical to me, I can tell you that right now!

So bring a little love with you this Valentine's Day and everyday after that...It'll make you feel good and bring some much needed sunshine into someone's else's day and will begin to bring beauty and joy into yours as well and what could be better than that?

Happy Valnetine's Day, Lorraine

PS - For some great housecleaning music tune in the Combast cable channel 937 - it's commercial free - in fact start with Channel 900 and see which kind of musis suits you - there is a channel for every kind of music.

Enter The Reinvent Yourself and Your Life Contest Today!!!!

If you would like to reinvent yourself and your life in 2012 then enter my contest for a $1500 online program designed to help you do just that!

Why enter this contest?

Because you’d like to have your life go from okay to fabulous. You are at midlife or beyond and feeling restless and bored. Because you have something you’ve always wanted to do but life responsibilities and other commitments have kept it hidden or unexpressed. It’s just time to make a change and yet the idea of doing it alone sounds daunting. You have a dream but don’t know how to implement it or how to start.

What You Will Learn

What a soul call is and what it is not
What your unique gifts are and how your soul is calling you to use them now
What to do about public opinion
What do about Private opinion
How to negotiate the deep waters of change
How to become a pioneer in the second half of life
How to align with others and when to do this and when not to
How to use technology to further your goals
How to stay inspired and enthusiastic
What course/path is right for you
The ways and means of time, money and energy

What the program includes

Professional Guidance and Inspiration
Ideas, Resources and Insight
Well Researched and Developed Content
One on One Coaching/Mentoring
Dedicated Email and Phone Contact
Someone Whose Been There and Knows the Way
Professional Personality Instruments for Determining Your Gifts and Talents
A Way to Re-Vision Midlife from Hanging on to a Life Renaissance
A Way to Re-Vision Retirement from Withdrawal to Re-engagement
A Weekly Lesson to Complete

Contest Rules -Deadline March 1, 2012

You must be 40 years old or older
You must write a 1000 word essay on why you want to reinvent yourself and your life

You must have the entry into me by March 1, 2012
You must show compelling reasons for me to choose you as the winner
You must be willing to commit 12 weeks to the program – starting April 1, 2012
You must demonstrate success in a previous life challenge
You must be open minded and proactive
You must have a growth-oriented attitude toward life
You must be willing to be a reference for the program and its affect on your life
You must include your telephone number

Please send your entry to me at lorrainebanfield@msn.com. I will pick three semi finalists and call each one to determine our compatibility. I will then announce the winner on my March 22, 2012 blog entry. I will not use your name, only a brief description of your story and why you are the winner. For more info on me see my website at http://www.lorrainebanfield.com/ or call me at 303-273-5589. Please feel free to forward this to anyone you know who you think would be interested in this contest and meets the requirements above. I look forward to reading your entries.

Blessings, Lorraine

Germinating the Seeds of Reinvention in 2012

Life is filled with chapters, phases, stages, acts and times and the best lives, the ones we want to live, the ones we want to read about or see in the movies, the ones that inspire us are filled to the brink with interesting and challenging chapters and acts, all along the way. But there is an insidious myth in our culture that tells us that basically we only have two chapters in our lives; the work chapter and the retirement chapter. In the first chapter you create the life you want or do the best you can to do that and the second chapter is devoted to maintaining that life, mostly in the form of money and financial security so you can coast on down to the end in comfort.

This myth tells us that by midlife you’ve more or less done what you can do to put all this in place and if you have not, well, you better get busy doing this or all hell will break loose when you get to retirement. This way of living is like telling yourself that by midlife, you have no more dreams, no more challenges to meet, no more excitement, you're just living a life on an endless repeat cycle. How awful! I say rubbish! I say, it’s time to reinvent yourself and your life. I say, create a new phase in your life; incubate a new idea, germinate the seeds of possibility and create a new identity this year. I say, make this the year you do what you’ve always wanted to do. I say, take a risk, see what happens, open yourself up and write a new chapter in your life.

Here are some ways and means for helping you do this:

Winter is Fallow Time - Do some dreaming, some journaling, some brainstorming. Read some books on reinventing your life, read some biographies of people you admire, join a group of like-minded individuals or start one yourself.

Weed the Garden of Your life – Look around you, what’s choking off your life? What is in your life as habit but no longer serves you? Pare down your life. Remember, in order for something to grow in your life there must be room for it – clear a space for your new life.

Begin Gathering the Seeds of Reinvention – Once you have done some brainstorming and have an idea of what you want to do and you have cleared out a space for it, begin to gather the seeds you will need to create your new life. Do research, gather information and begin to lay out the garden of your new chapter. Do this on paper first. Interview others who have done what you want to do – check out the obstacles and challenges.

Address the Yes, Buts – No matter what we want to do it will come with some yes, buts, regardless of how successful you have been in the past – most of us will resist new ideas and new things at some point in the process. In an important way, this is a protection provided by our egos, which we all have as the kind of chairman of the board – the ego wants us to look good and be safe so it will give you a ration of yes, buts when you begin a process of change and new development. Don’t deny the yes, but; hear it and then address the issues raised.

Develop a Plan – Once you have come up with your idea, addressed the yes, buts and interviewed or read about others who have done what you want to do, it’s time to develop a plan. Map our what you want to do and in what order. Start small – Noah didn’t build that ark in a day. You may need a bridge to get you there. This could be in the form of a job or a layered plan of action that is done in stages.

Spring Into Action – By the Spring of this year, if you have done the above you will be ready to plant some seeds of change and start the process of reinventing your life, or at least the beginning chapters of it. As I said, start small and work your way into it.

If this all sounds great to you but you’re not sure you can do it all on your own, then you might want to try my on-line program or join the Second Act Society if you live in Denver. My on-line program is listed on my website: http://www.lorrainebanfield.com/ and the Second Act Society is a Meetup group that meets once a month on Sunday afternoon 2-4 pm. Please check it out at: http://www.meetup.com/Second-Act-Society/

Meanwhile, have a wonderful new year and a happy, healthy and soulful life no matter whether this is the year you reinvent yourself or not.

Blessings, Lorraine